


In Search of Utopia

by godessoftrees



Series: Perfect [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 19:24:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 71,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/542997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godessoftrees/pseuds/godessoftrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Living with Blaine in New York, Kurt continues to work on recovery. Warning: self-harm This story is the sequel to "Perfect," which should be read first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Well, I got started on the sequel much earlier than I anticipated. I won’t delay you with a long Author’s Note. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: None
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Let It Go” belongs to Tim McGraw.

Prologue

Monday June 11, 2012

Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson were excited to start their new life together. But at the same time, Blaine was scared. He hated change, and this was a huge change. Manhattan was nothing like Lima, Ohio. They would be in an unfamiliar city, with their parents ten hours away. As Blaine guided the car out of the Lincoln Tunnel, he squeezed Kurt’s hand where their fingers were laced on the center console.

“I have to admit, I’m scared,” Blaine said after a second of deliberating.

“I am too,” Kurt admitted, turning his head to look at Blaine.

“Really? I thought you said you weren’t nervous?” Blaine was surprised.

“I’m not apprehensive, but I am scared. This is a _huge_ change. Change is scary,” Kurt replied. “I mean, what if New York doesn’t live up to our expectations? I’m scared I won’t be able to be myself here anymore than I could in Lima.”

“Oh, baby, you shouldn’t worry about that. New York is much more accepting than Lima. This is the new start of our new life. We’ve been through a lot, but we’re stronger because of it. This is our chance to leave the past behind us,” Blaine said.

“You’re right,” Kurt agreed. He smiled as a new song came on the radio; he began to sing along.

_I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads,_

_Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul._

_It's hard when the devil won't get off your back._

_It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack._

Kurt was hopeful that things would be different in New York, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared that they wouldn’t be. He was still recovering from his past and his self-injury. He hoped New York would be good for his healing. But all the same, he could not forget where he had been. Kurt still struggled, but he no longer felt he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

_Today, I'm gonna keep on walking._

_I'm gonna hold my head up high._

_I'm gonna leave it all behind._

_Today, I'm gonna stand out in the rain._

_Let it wash it all away, yeah, wash it all away._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

The past nineteen months had been hard. But despite all the hardships he had faced, Kurt had never given up. He had kept his head held high and kept on going. Yes, there had been times when Kurt just wanted to give up. But no one had ever said recovery would be easy, and Kurt knew if he gave up the consequences could be disastrous. So he had kept trying, even when the pain became too much to bear.

_Skeletons and ghosts are hiding in the shadows,_

_Threatening me with all the things that they know._

_Choices and mistakes, they all know my name._

_But I'm through holding in and holding onto all that pain._

Kurt had learned a lot in all that time. He knew he could not hide his pain any longer. If he never allowed himself to fully experience his emotions, he would never recover. Kurt knew he could not promise that he would never hurt himself again. But since his slip-up at nationals he had not harmed himself, and it had been even longer since he had cut. Kurt knew he had the choice whether or not to take up arms against himself, and he would try his hardest to never give in again.

_Today, I'm gonna keep on walking._

_I'm gonna hold my head up high._

_Got no more tears to cry._

_Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain._

_Let it wash it all away, yeah, wash it all away._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

Kurt had learned from his past. Now it was time to let it go. He would forever keep with him the lessons he had learned, but it was time to move on from the past. New York was a fresh start. And that fresh start would not include pain memories.

_I know, I know, I know, I know I've been forgiven._

_I know, I know, I know I'm gonna start living._

No matter how bad things had gotten, Blaine had stayed by Kurt’s side, offering all of his love and support. Blaine had forgiven him each time Kurt had given into his urges. He was always there to catch Kurt when he fell; he would set him back on his feet again and help him find his way.

_Today, I'm gonna keep on walking._

_I'm gonna hold my head up high._

_I'm gonna leave it all behind._

_Today, I'm gonna stand out in the rain._

_Let it wash it all away, yeah, wash it all away._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

_I'm gonna let it go, oh yeah._

_I’m gonna let it go, oh yeah._

_Oh, yeah._

“We’re here,” Blaine said as he pulled the Navigator up outside the Gramercy Park Hotel.

“I thought you said your parents had a condo?” Kurt asked, confused as to why they were at a hotel.

“They do,” Blaine replied. “There are apartments above the hotel.”

Blaine opened his door, reaching into the backseat to grab a couple of boxes. Kurt followed his example.

“What’s the apartment number?” Kurt asked.

“I wanted to surprise you,” Blaine said. “We’re in the penthouse suite.”

_“The penthouse?”_ Kurt exclaimed.

“Is that a good reaction?” Blaine asked nervously.

“It’s a shocked reaction,” Kurt replied. “When you said your parents gave you their condo I thought you meant a _normal_ apartment, not the _penthouse_ suite.”

"Well, you know my parents,” Blaine replied. “Hey, look, your parents and Finn and Rachel are here. Just in time.”

Kurt shook himself from his thoughts as they began to unload the cars and the U-Haul. New York was definitely going to take some getting used to.

**K/B**

Wednesday June 13, 2012

“Well, this is it, kiddo,” Burt said, trying to fight back his tears. He wasn’t ready to leave his son yet. Burt had been so focused on helping the teenagers to move in and unpack over the past two days that he had managed to distract himself from the fact that he would soon be returning to Lima without his son.

“I’m going to miss you, Dad,” Kurt said, hugging his father tightly.

“I’m going to miss you too,” Burt said tearfully.

Kurt forced himself to release his father, turning to Carole. He smiled sadly.

“Thank you for _everything_ you’ve done for me and my father. I love you, Mom,” Kurt said.

Carole gasped. Kurt had never called her ‘Mom’ before. She pulled him in for a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Never thank me for that, Kurt. I love you too.”

Burt turned to Blaine. “You take care of my son, Blaine.”

“I always will,” Blaine assured him.

And Burt knew Blaine would. He had always kept Kurt safe. He trusted Blaine. If he had to give his son to anyone, he was glad it was Blaine.

After all the goodbyes were said, Burt and Carole left. Kurt’s shoulders were shaking and Blaine knew he was crying. He pulled Kurt into his arms, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. When he stopped crying, Kurt turned to see Finn and Rachel were fighting back their own tears.

"Well,” Kurt said. “We’re home.”


	2. Chapter 1:  Ours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You’re getting this chapter a day early as the next chapter of WMAP is not quite complete. I have never been to New York, so I have almost no knowledge about the city. I’ve tried to research everything, but if anything is wrong let me know. I did my best. Also, a link to my Evernote Notebook which contains the layout of Klaine’s penthouse can be found on my profile page.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations, homophobic language
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Ours” belongs to Taylor Swift.

Chapter One:  Ours

Thursday June 14, 2012

Kurt woke early Thursday morning. The first thing he became aware of was Blaine’s naked body wrapped around him like an octopus. He flushed as he remembered the night before, rolling over in Blaine’s arms. Blaine clung to him tighter and Kurt couldn’t stop the giggle that bubbled up from his throat. He kissed Blaine’s soft lips, pulling back to see his hazel eyes gazing back at him. Kurt brushed a tendril of curls back from his forehead.

“I can get used to waking up like this every morning,” Blaine said with a brilliant smile.

“Me too,” Kurt replied. He kissed Blaine again, moaning happily when Blaine deepened the kiss. Kurt nipped at his lips, not surprised when Blaine rolled him onto his back with a groan, blanketing his body with his own. They gave themselves over into their passion, pouring all of their love into each other.

**K/B**

“I suppose we should get up,” Blaine said a while later.

Kurt rolled over to glance at the clock on his nightstand. He protested, “It’s only eight o’clock.”

“I know, baby, but this is the first day we have to actually explore the city. Now that we’re all settled in we can have some fun,” Blaine replied. He leaned over and kissed Kurt quickly before climbing out of bed.

“I thought we _were_ having fun!” Kurt called after him. Blaine laughed but continued on his way.

Kurt allowed himself to be distracted by Blaine’s nakedness as his fiancé walked around the bed before disappearing into their dressing room. Sighing, Kurt sat up and looked around their bedroom. The penthouse was two floors. The entire upper floor was the master suite. Coming up the stairs, if you through the door straight across, you would enter the master bedroom. To the left of the stairs was the master study as well as the north outdoor room. To the right was the south outdoor room, which the master bedroom looked out upon.

The master bedroom was the largest room in the apartment, only slightly bigger than the living room downstairs. In between the two big windows that looked out on the outdoor room was a fireplace; over the fireplace hung a flat screen TV. Bookcases surrounded the room, already filled with both Kurt and Blaine’s favorite books. Their bed was a queen-size with a white canopy; it was across from the fireplace against the back wall. A bench sat at the foot of the bed.

The right side of the room opened into the dressing area, which consisted of two closets and an alcove where Kurt had put his vanity. There was a door leading outside the apartment to stairs and an elevator as well. A door also led into the master bedroom.

With a sigh, Kurt drug himself out of bed. He bypassed his closet, not concerned with his nudity in the slightest, instead shuffling into Blaine’s. Blaine had just pulled on his navy blue robe when Kurt pressed up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist. Kurt pressed his lips to Blaine’s neck, pulling back just enough to murmur, “Do we have to get dressed? Can’t we just stay in bed all day?”

“You are _far_ too tempting, Kurt Hummel,” Blaine said, spinning around in his fiancé’s arms. “We can stay in bed all day tomorrow. Today, I want to explore.”

“I don’t think there’s much more _exploring_ to be done, but hey I’m not going to stop you from trying,” Kurt said with a sly grin.

“The city, explore the city,” Blaine said, shaking his head in amusement. “And you say _I’m_ incorrigible. Go get some clothes on.”

Blaine turned Kurt around, swatting his ass as Kurt walked away. He laughed when Kurt exclaimed, “Hey!”

Five minutes later, Kurt and Blaine emerged from their bedroom, both dressed in their pajamas and robes. Climbing down the stairs, they weren’t surprised to hear Finn and Rachel already in the kitchen. They walked down the long hallway, entering the kitchen.

“Good morning!” Rachel chimed brightly.

“It would be if Blaine was still _naked_ ,” Kurt said grumpily, heading straight to his Keurig coffeemaker while Blaine moved towards the stove and set about scrambling some egg whites.

“Ew! Dude, you’re my _brother_. I do _not_ need to know about your sex life,” Finn said, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

Kurt didn’t reply, instead choosing to stare at the coffeemaker until his cup was finished brewing. Only then did he return his attention to the others.

“So, what’re we doing today?” Rachel asked, sipping at her own coffee.

“I thought we could explore Gramercy Park a bit,” Blaine replied. “It’s the only private park in Manhattan. You have to have a key to gain access.”

“And you have one?” Kurt asked, downing his entire cup of coffee before turning back to his Keurig to make another.

“Residents here get a key. Do I need to cut you off?” Blaine asked, eyeing Kurt as he placed another K-cup in the coffee machine.

“Blaine Anderson, if you _ever_ want to have sex again you will _leave my coffee alone_ ,” Kurt said, turning to glare at him.

Finn choked on his milk while Rachel couldn’t help but laugh at the stricken expression on Blaine’s face. Blaine quickly recovered, asking hurriedly, “Do you need more K-cups?”

Kurt laughed, shaking his head as he took a sip of his second cup of coffee. He joined his stepbrother and best friend at the table. Silence fell over the group as Blaine finished the eggs and toasted bread for all of them. Rachel moved to grab plates and forks from the cabinet diagonal from the microwave and the drawer under the cabinet in the far left corner of the kitchen. By the time she had set the table, Blaine had brought over the eggs and toast.

“Thanks for breakfast, Blaine. It’s delicious,” Rachel said after swallowing a bite of eggs.

“Yeah, thanks, dude,” Finn said around a mouthful of toast and eggs.

“Finn, don’t be disgusting,” Kurt scolded him, disgust evident on his face.

“Sorry,” Finn said after swallowing.

Laughing at the exchange between stepbrothers Blaine replied, “You’re welcome. Though I must point out it’s pretty hard to screw up scrambled eggs and toast.”

“Obviously, you’ve never seen Finn try to cook,” Kurt said, visibly cringing. “He doesn’t even know how to separate egg whites.”

“Why would I need to know that?” Finn asked.

Kurt opened his mouth to answer but Blaine was quick to cut him off, “Don’t you two get started. This is only our fourth day here.”

Kurt glared at Finn, but didn’t say anything else. After they finished eating, the foursome separated to get dressed and ready for the day. It took thirty minutes for Kurt to complete his moisturizing routine. Blaine was already dressed and waiting on him by the time Kurt had selected his outfit.

“You ready, baby?” Blaine asked when Kurt emerged from his closet.

“Ready,” Kurt said, pulling Blaine to his feet. He brushed their lips together before lacing their fingers together and leading him out of the room.

Rachel had just gotten out of the shower when Kurt and Blaine entered the living room from the hallway. Finn was out on the terrace. Hearing Kurt and Blaine enter the room, he reentered the apartment, sliding the glass door closed behind him.

“Man, it feels great outside,” Finn said. “Why are you wearing long sleeves, Kurt?”

Blaine could have hit Finn for his forgetfulness. He knew Finn didn’t mean it, but Kurt had an instant reaction to the words. He visibly stiffened, wrapping his arms around himself, as if Finn could see his scars through his shirt.

“You know why, Finn,” Kurt said in a broken whisper. Blaine’s mind flashed back to the night before.

_Kurt and Blaine had spent the day relaxing with Finn and Rachel. All four of them were exhausted from the move, and were glad to finally have a day where they could do absolutely nothing. They settled into the living room, watching a late night movie together. Rachel fell asleep before it was over. Finn carried her to their bedroom, not having the heart to wake her. Blaine turned to his fiancé._

_“Are you ready for bed, love?”_

_“Not necessarily for bed, but I may be up for_ other _things,” Kurt said with a seductive smile._

_“Oh_ really _now? Well, in that case, what are we waiting on?” Blaine asked._

_He lifted Kurt off the couch, carrying out of the living room to the hallway and up the stairs to the master suite. Blaine wasted no time in ridding them both of their clothes. Once they were naked, Blaine gently pushed Kurt back on the bed. He took Kurt’s left hand in his, kissing Elizabeth Hummel’s engagement ring where it rested on his third finger. He trailed kisses up his left forearm before turning to his fiancé’s right hand. He kissed each finger of Kurt’s right hand, kissing his way up Kurt’s forearm. Kurt stiffened when Blaine kissed the worst of his scars. Kurt didn’t remember when he had caused most of his scars, but he did remember the worst of them. The one that could have resulted in his death had faded to a dark purple color, but it was obvious how deep it had been. The newer ones, inflicted after Karofsky’s suicide attempt and the Chandler incident, were still an angry red, the skin raised and puckered. Kurt jerked his arm out of Blaine’s grasp, overwhelmed with shame._

_“You don’t have to pretend,” Kurt said in a hard voice, averting his eyes._

_“Pretend what?” Blaine asked, though he already knew the answer._

_“That they don’t disgust you,” Kurt said, referring to his scars. He forced himself to return Blaine’s gaze._

_“They_ don’t _, baby. You’re_ beautiful _, Kurt, so beautiful. And no amount of scars could ever change that.”_

Blaine was torn out of his memory when he heard Finn say, “I’m so sorry, Kurt. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay, Finn,” Kurt said quietly.

Blaine knew it was hard for Kurt to even let _him_ see his scars, let alone strangers that didn’t know his story. He had been very surprised when Kurt had slept shirtless when they were in Chicago for Nationals, especially with all the glee guys sharing one room. But Kurt had only taken his shirt off once he was safely under the covers, ensuring that no one but Blaine could see his scarred torso. Kurt always drew comfort from the feeling of Blaine’s bare skin against his, and with all the anxiety Nationals had brought, Kurt needed to do everything he could to calm himself.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, knowing he was trying to hold himself together. Finn stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Finally he said, “I’m going to go see if Rachel is ready.”

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked after Finn had disappeared into the hallway.

“I’m fine,” Kurt replied too quickly. Blaine shot him a look. Kurt sighed. “Okay, so I’m not. But I will be. I just want to go to the park with my fiancé, my stepbrother, and my best friend, and not worry about anything. Remember, we’re starting over here.”

“That we are,” Blaine agreed, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

“Are you ready to go?” Rachel asked, walking into the room with Finn trailing behind her.

“Just a second. I forgot to grab my guitar,” Blaine said. He sprinted back up to the master suite, returning with his guitar case in hand. He seized Kurt’s hand in his. “Let’s go!”

Gramercy Park was across the street from the Gramercy Park Hotel. Kurt looked around the park. He had been to Central Park before, and while it was absolutely gorgeous, Gramercy Park was beautiful, yet quaint. Rachel had brought a blanket along with them. Kurt led the way to a tall oak tree that reminded him of his favorite in Schoonover Park in Lima. Rachel laid out the blanket, and they all sat down on it. Blaine opened his guitar case, pulling his guitar onto his lap.

Blaine played Disney songs at first, and then began taking requests. He wasn’t surprised when Kurt requested “Teenage Dream.” Blaine poured his heart and soul into the song, gazing deeply into Kurt’s cerulean eyes while he sang. When he finished, Kurt pulled the guitar over his head, setting it aside. He kissed Blaine passionately, reveling in the fact that they could do this in public now. Still, they were aware of Finn and Rachel’s presence. They pulled back just in time to hear a snide voice ask, “You faggots already have sections of the city devoted to you. Is nothing sacred now?”

“What’s your problem?” Finn exclaimed angrily, jumping to his feet. But the woman was already walking away.

Blaine’s eyes flew to Kurt’s face. His eyes were brimming with tears that he was obviously fighting. Blaine pulled him into his arms, holding him close.

“Don’t let her bother you, baby. She’s just one little-minded woman out of the entire city,” Blaine tried to assure him.

“You don’t know that,” Kurt said tearfully. “There could be thousands more people like her.”

“You’re right, I don’t know that. But I do know that this city is one of the most accepting in the country. Come on, baby, please don’t cry. Here, give me my guitar.”

Curious, Kurt handed Blaine’s guitar back to him. Blaine slipped the shoulder strap over his head. His eyes locked with Kurt’s as he began to play.

_Elevator buttons and morning air,_

_Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs._

_If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares._

_But right now my time is theirs._

Back in Lima, New York had been full of hope for Kurt and Blaine. They both couldn’t stand to stay in Lima, and knew they had to get out, together. Kurt’s dream had been New York for as long as he could remember. And while Blaine had spent some time in the city, he knew he could never grow tired of it. Especially with Kurt by his side.

_Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves;_

_They’ll judge it like they know about me and you._

_And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do;_

_The jury’s out but my choice is you._

In Lima, they had never been free to be themselves. They could only hold hands in the hallway of McKinley when the jocks weren’t present. And they could never kiss or cuddle like other couples could. Kurt hated having to hide his affection for Blaine. But no matter what others thought about their love, he tried his hardest to keep his head held high. It wasn’t always easy, but he would not live a lie.

_So don’t you worry your pretty little mind._

_People throw rocks at things that shine,_

_And life makes love look hard._

_The stakes are high, the water’s rough,_

_But this love is ours._

Love was not always easy, and it was even harder when that love wasn’t “traditional.” But for Kurt and Blaine, the challenge wasn’t loving each other, it was proving to others that their love wasn’t wrong. In the end, all it came down to was they were the same as any man and woman in love, but they were two men.

_You never know what people have up their sleeves._

_Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me,_

_Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles._

_But I don’t care ‘cause right now you’re mine._

Being gay meant a lifetime of coming out. You couldn’t just look at someone and determine their sexuality, despite the fact that Kurt did not believe that fact applied to himself. The scary part was not knowing how someone would react to the news. In the past, Kurt had been bullied because of his sexuality. Blaine had been too. Both of their experiences haunted them, though Kurt had a particularly hard time dealing with the memories. But Blaine was determined to help Kurt move past that, no matter what it took.

_And you’ll say,_

_“Don’t you worry your pretty little mind._

_People throw rocks at things that shine,_

_And life makes love look hard._

_The stakes are high, the water’s rough,_

_But this love is ours.”_

People were afraid of what they didn’t understand. And for some reason they could not understand that loving someone of the same sex was not wrong. Their fear made them close-minded.

_And it’s not theirs to speculate_

_If it’s wrong and,_

_Your hands are tough_

_But they are where mine belong and,_

_I’ll fight their doubt and give you faith_

_With this song for you._

The fact of the matter was that people would not always accept their love. But Blaine didn’t care what others thought. He had Kurt, and that was all he needed. Blaine would never be afraid to let their love shine, not anymore.

_‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth._

_And I love the riddles that you speak._

_And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored,_

_‘Cause my heart is yours._

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on Blaine’s face. Blaine smiled widely as he continued to sing. The song had done exactly what he had hoped and cheered Kurt considerably. Kurt had been too sad over the past two years. Blaine didn’t want him to be sad for a moment longer.

_So don't you worry your pretty little mind._

_People throw rocks at things that shine,_

_And life makes love look hard._

_Don't you worry your pretty little mind._

_People throw rocks at things that shine,_

_But they can't take what's ours._

_They can't take what's ours._

_The stakes are high, the water's rough._

_But this love is ours._

“Thank you,” Kurt said when Blaine had finished playing and set his guitar aside once more.

“Don’t thank me. Just be happy. I only want you to be happy,” Blaine said. He leaned over, and right there in front of Rachel, Finn, and everyone, he kissed Kurt deeply. When they separated, he pulled Kurt to his feet. Kurt started to ask what he was doing but before he could, Blaine was yelling as loud as he could, “I love Kurt Hummel!”

Kurt flushed, but something about the look on Blaine’s face had him screaming, “I love Blaine Anderson!”

Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, laughing. He kissed him once more before asking, _“Forever?”_

_“Always.”_


	3. Chapter 2:  Berlioz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day but I wanted to make sure I’d have time to update so this one’s a day early. The English translation for “Cinema Paradiso” can be found at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Cinema Paradiso” belongs to Andrea Morricone and Alessio de Sensi. It has been performed by Josh Groban and several others. “Ev’rybody Wants to Be A Cat” is from Disney’s The Aristocats.

Chapter Two:  Berlioz

Monday July 16, 2012

“Can we go to the zoo now?” Blaine asked, bouncing into the dressing room.

A month had passed, during which Blaine, Kurt, Finn, and Rachel had taken their time exploring the city. Blaine had been most excited to go to the zoo as he had seen most of the sites before, but always loved the zoo. He had insisted on saving the best for last. And today, they were finally making the trip to the Central Park Zoo.

Kurt turned away from his vanity, raising an eyebrow at his fiancé. He asked, “Does it _look_ like I’m ready? I’m not halfway through with my moisturizing routine and I’m _still_ in my pajamas.”

“Well, are you almost done?” Blaine pouted. “I want to see the animals!”

And with that, Blaine began to ramble about all the animals he wanted to see. Sighing in exasperation, Kurt pushed back from the vanity. He seized Blaine by the shoulders and shoved him roughly against the wall, crushing his lips to Blaine’s. There was nothing soft or loving about this kiss. It was filled with lust and when Kurt pulled away, it left Blaine wanting more.

“Damn, what was that for?” Blaine asked, still trying to catch his breath.

“That was to get you to calm down so I can finish my moisturizing in peace,” Kurt said, taking a couple steps away from Blaine. _“If_ you’re good, we will finish that later.”

“What about now?” Blaine asked, closing the distance between them. He wrapped his arms around Kurt’s neck, pressing his lips to his exposed collarbone.

“I thought you wanted to go to the zoo?” Kurt asked with a groan as Blaine’s lips moved up his throat. He tilted his head to give him better access.

“I’d _rather_ have you naked in our bed,” Blaine said huskily. Before Kurt could reply, Blaine was lifting him up and carrying him into their bedroom.

They were both naked in no time. Blaine pushed Kurt back onto the bed, pressing their bodies together. He kissed Kurt roughly, ravishing his mouth. They were quickly heading to the point of no return when the door to their bedroom flew open.

“Are you – HOLY SHIT!” Finn stood in the doorway, mouth gaping, at the sight of his stepbrother and his fiancé naked in bed.

“GET _OUT_ , FINN!” Kurt screamed as Blaine hurried to pull the comforter up over them. Finn was running out of the room before Kurt could yell at him more.

“Well, _that_ ruined the mood,” Blaine said, rolling off of Kurt.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’ll go finish getting ready and then we can head to the zoo,” Kurt said sympathetically. He pressed a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips before disappearing into their dressing room once more.

**K/B**

Blaine was like a kid in a candy store at the zoo. He ran from exhibit to exhibit, dragging Kurt along behind him. Rachel and Finn laughed at his antics, earning a glare from Kurt. Despite his air of disapproval, Kurt found Blaine absolutely adorable. He loved how he was so mature for his age, but at the same time became a five-year-old in a matter of seconds.

By the time they finally returned home, Kurt was so exhausted he announced firmly that he would not be cooking dinner. Finn immediately suggested pizza, which Kurt was too tired to argue against. While Rachel looked up the number for the closest pizza place, Kurt collapsed on the couch, resting his head in Blaine’s lap.

“Tired, love?” Blaine asked, running one hand through Kurt’s hair. Kurt halfheartedly batted his hand away.

“Exhausted,” Kurt murmured sleepily. Blaine continued to massage Kurt’s scalp, and wasn’t surprised when he next looked down to find him sound asleep.

Thirty minutes later, the doorbell sounded. Kurt lifted his head from Blaine’s lap, yawning widely. Finn bounded out of the living room, already pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.

“Have a good nap, baby?” Blaine asked.

“Mhm,” Kurt answered, resting his head on Blaine’s shoulder.

“Pizza’s here!” Finn announced as he walked down the hall to the kitchen.

Kurt stood up, pulling Blaine off of the couch and towards the kitchen. They scarfed down the pizza hungrily, having worked off their lunch at the zoo. After the kitchen was cleaned, Blaine asked, “How about we relax in the Jacuzzi?”

They readily agreed, disappearing to their separate rooms to change into their bathing suits. Blaine changed quickly, waiting for Kurt in their bedroom. He frowned when Kurt walked out of his closet, dressing in his swim trunks and a black long-sleeved shirt.

“What’s wrong?” Kurt asked, looking down at himself self-consciously.

Blaine opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted by a knock on the open door. The couple spun around to see Rachel standing in the doorway.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asked uncertainly.

“Nope. Come on,” Kurt said, doing his best to push past his uneasiness.

Kurt stepped around Blaine, unsure of what had just happened. Rachel allowed Kurt to take her hand and lead her out onto the southern outdoor room. In the far right corner was a Jacuzzi. Finn was already lounging in one corner of it. Rachel, Blaine, and Kurt laid their towels on a bench a few feet away before climbing in.

“Are you getting nervous yet?” Rachel asked after a while.

“For school? I’ve been terrified since I got the acceptance letter,” Kurt said with a laugh.

“You’re going to be brilliant, both of you,” Blaine assured them. “Don’t worry.”

“Are you telling me you aren’t the _least bit_ apprehensive?” Kurt asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, I’m not saying that. I’m just trying to focus on the present. We have over a month before school starts. Why worry about it now?” Blaine asked.

The others agreed, allowing the conversation to be changed. They talked for a while, until Rachel could scarcely keep her eyes open. She and Finn retired, leaving Kurt and Blaine alone.

“Come here,” Blaine said. He pulled Kurt to him so he was straddling Blaine’s lap. “You’re hiding yourself again.” Kurt started to speak but Blaine cut him off, “No, listen to me. This is your _home_. You should feel free to walk around without shame, _regardless_ of who is here. That’s really all that it comes down to:  shame. You shouldn’t be ashamed, Kurt. You should be proud. You’re a _survivor_. You found a way to live, and you’re _so_ much stronger because of it. You don’t need to hide yourself anymore, baby.”

Kurt’s breath hitched when Blaine reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head. Kurt instantly looked down, his eyes raking over each and every scar that marred his skin, each and every scar that had been inflicted by his own hand. Blaine lifted Kurt’s head with one finger.

“Hey, don’t. You’re _beautiful_. I just wish you saw what I see when I look at you.”

“What do you see?” Kurt asked. Blaine answered in the way he knew best. He began to sing.

_Se tu fossi nei miei occhi per un giorno_

_Vedresti la bellezza che piena d'allegria_

_Io trovo dentro gli occhi tuoi_

_E ignoro se è magia o realtà._

Blaine’s hands came up to cup Kurt’s face. He gazed deeply into the eyes of the man that he loved with his entire heart, his entire soul, his entire being. Blaine had never thought it was possible to love someone this much until he met Kurt. He wished Kurt could take his place for just one day to see how truly beautiful he was.

_Se tu fossi nel mio cuore per un giorno_

_Potresti avere un'idea_

_Di ciò che sento io_

_Quando mi abbracci forte a te_

_E petto a petto, noi_

_Respiriamo insieme_

Kurt and Blaine had been through a lot together. And while some men would turn away when they learned of Kurt’s illness, Blaine had been determined to help him through it. He had opened Kurt’s heart and taught him how to trust. And Kurt had done the same for Blaine in return.

Kurt didn’t speak a word of Italian. But the emotions displayed on Blaine’s face told Kurt exactly what the words meant. No English translation was needed.

_Se tu fossi nella mia anima un giorno_

_Sapresti cosa sento in me_

_Che m'innamorai_

_Da quell'istante insieme a te_

_E ciò che provo è_

_Solamente amore._

_Da quell'istante insieme a te_

_E ciò che provo è_

_Solamente amore._

Kurt smiled as the song finished. Blaine’s hands moved over Kurt’s bare torso, caressing every inch of skin. As his hands ghosted over his ribcage, Kurt let out a guttural moan, catching Blaine’s lips in a passionate kiss. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, pulling him closer. He gasped when Kurt ground their hips together. Blaine pulled his mouth away from Kurt’s long enough to whisper, “Bedroom.”

They grabbed their towels off the bench, drying themselves off quickly. Kurt steered Blaine into the master bathroom where they stripped off their bathing suits and threw them into the clothes hamper. Now completely naked, their bodies crashed together. Kurt lifted Blaine up, carrying him to their bed.

A part of Kurt knew Blaine was right when he said he shouldn’t be ashamed, but it was hard to accept all the same. He had spent the past two years hiding his body so his secret would not be discovered. Kurt knew Finn and Rachel knew about his self-injury, but knowing about his scars and seeing them were two different things. He wasn’t sure that he was ready for that. As Blaine’s hands traveled over his body, Kurt allowed all thoughts to be pushed to the back of his mind. They could wait for another time.

**K/B**

Friday August 3, 2012

“I want a cat,” Blaine announced, plopping down on the couch next to Kurt.

_“What?”_ Kurt asked, looking up from the novel he had been engrossed in.

“I want a cat,” Blaine repeated simply.

“You want a cat? We _just_ moved in,” Kurt replied with a raised eyebrow, setting his book aside after marking his place.

“I know that, but I want a cat,” Blaine said.

“Can we even _have_ a cat? Did you ask your parents?” Kurt asked.

“Of course we can have a cat. This is _our_ apartment, Kurt. If we want a cat, we can have a cat,” Blaine answered, pulling Kurt into his arms. Kurt did his best to ignore the feeling of Blaine’s arms wrapped around him, knowing Blaine was trying to persuade him to say yes.

“And we _want_ a cat?” Kurt asked slowly.

_“I_ want a cat. I'm trying to find out if _you_ do,” Blaine replied. He pressed his nose into the crook of Kurt’s neck, inhaling deeply.

“Don't you think it's too soon? Shouldn't we get settled in first?” Kurt questioned, trying to hold his ground.

“We _are_ settled, Kurt. We're completely unpacked and have been since our third day here, might I add, not to mention the fact that it’s been _two months_ since we moved in,” Blaine added.

“I don't know . . . .”

“Just imagine it, Kurt. You have that night class and I'll be home alone, with no one to cuddle with. And we both know how much of a cuddlewhore I am,” Blaine said, tightening his grip on Kurt to prove his point.

“And _a cat_ is my substitute?” Kurt asked in a fake hurt voice.

“Oh, there is _no_ substitute for you.”

“Then you don't need a cat.”

“Kurttttt.”

“Blaiiiiiine.”

“Come on, don’t you want an adorable kitten to curl up with when I’m not home?” Blaine asked.

“I'll think about it,” Kurt said.

“I think I can persuade you.” Blaine began to kiss Kurt's neck, nipping at the sensitive skin.

“Mmm, that's not fair, Blaine,” Kurt said even as he tilted his head to give Blaine better access.

“You'll be singing a different tune later,” Blaine assured him. He pulled Kurt to his feet and up the stairs to their bedroom.

**K/B**

Saturday August 4, 2012

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” Kurt said as he followed Blaine into KittyKind, a no-kill cat rescue center that was only six blocks away from their apartment.

“Oh, _come on_ , Kurt. This is exciting! Soon we’ll be daddies to an _adorable_ little kitty!” Blaine said, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Not a kitty, a _cat_ ,” Kurt said. That had been his condition on adopting a feline friend. Their new companion was to be a short-haired (to keep the shedding to a minimum), well-mannered, quiet, demure, adult cat. He groaned as Blaine pulled him into the kitten room. “Blaine, this is _not_ what we agreed to!”

“I just want to look at the kittens,” Blaine said, ignoring Kurt’s protests. Kurt knew Blaine would get attached to a kitten the moment he saw it and insist on taking it home with them.

Sure enough, the second Blaine stepped into the room, a ball of fur ran headlong into his legs. Blaine was scooping the kitten into his arms instantly. The kitten was a black and white with long fur and emerald green eyes. The kitten began to purr loudly instantly.

“Look, Kurt! He’s happy!” Blaine said, stroking the kitten’s soft fur.

“I’m sure he is, Blaine. Let’s go look at some of the older cats,” Kurt tried to persuade Blaine but it was no use.

“He has a little bowtie!” Blaine exclaimed.

Kurt looked closer. Sure enough, the kitten’s chest was white except for a black patch of fur in the shape of a bowtie. The kitten had climbed up to perch on Blaine’s shoulder, where it proceeded to meow loudly. This kitten was everything Kurt hadn’t wanted, and he knew Blaine was already in love with it. Blaine gently lifted the kitten off his shoulder, holding him out towards Kurt.

“Just hold him, Kurt,” Blaine said.

Kurt sighed in exasperation, but took the kitten from Blaine. The kitten purred even louder, licking Kurt’s finger.

“Please, Kurt? _Please?”_ Blaine pleaded. Kurt looked from his fiancé to the kitten in his arms. He sighed again.

“You will vacuum _every_ surface of the apartment _every_ day.”

“Yes!”

“You will clean up the _inevitable_ messes he _will_ create?”

“I promise! Please, Kurt!”

" _Fine,”_ Kurt said, giving the kitten back to Blaine.

Blaine squealed, he actually _squealed_. He held the kitten to his chest, talking to him. “You’re coming home with us, little man. How would you like that?”

The kitten meowed loudly. Kurt dropped his head into his hand. They paid for the kitten, putting him in a cat carrier so they could take him back to their apartment. Once there, they carried him into their bedroom, knowing the kitten should be acclimated to one room at first. Blaine put the carrier on the ground, opening the door. The kitten poked his head out cautiously. Seeing Blaine sitting close by, he made a beeline for his lap, curling up happily.

“Would you like to name him?” Blaine asked, stroking the kitten.

“You want _me_ to name him?” Kurt asked in disbelief.

“Of course. He’s your kitten too,” Blaine said simply.

Kurt thought for a moment. “Berlioz.”

“From _The Aristocats_?” Blaine asked.

“Or the French composer,” Kurt replied.

“What do you think?” Blaine asked the kitten. “Are you a Berlioz?”

The kitten lifted his head, meowing as if he already knew his name.

“Berlioz it is,” Blaine agreed with a nod. He flipped the kitten onto his back, scratching his belly as he began to sing.

_Ev’rybody wants to be a cat,_

_Because a cat's the only cat_

_Who knows where it's at._

_Ev’rybody's pickin' up on that feline beat,_

_'Cause ev’rything else is obsolete._

_Now a square with a horn,_

_Makes you wish you weren't born,_

_Ev’rytime he plays;_

_But with a square in the act,_

_You can set music back_

_To the caveman days._

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at his fiancé. Blaine was clearly enjoying himself, and Berlioz wasn’t complaining either as he continued to purr loudly.

_I've heard some corny birds who tried to sing,_

_Still a cat's the only cat_

_Who knows how to swing._

_Who wants to dig_

_A long-haired gig_

_Or stuff like that?_

_When ev’rybody wants to be a cat._

_A square with a horn,_

_Makes you wish you weren't born,_

_Ev’rytime he plays;_

_And with a square in the act,_

_You can set music back_

_To the caveman days._

_Ev’rybody wants to be a cat,_

_Because a cat's the only cat_

_Who knows where it's at;_

_While playin' jazz you always has a Welcome mat,_

_'Cause ev’rybody digs a swingin' cat._

Blaine stood up, putting Berlioz on his shoulder. Berlioz balanced himself perfectly. Blaine seized Kurt by the hands and danced slowly with him, as not to knock Berlioz off-balanced.

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat._

_Hallelujah!_

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat!_

_I’m tellin’ you!_

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat!_

_Yeah!_

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat!_

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat!_

_Hallelujah!_

_Ev’rybody, ev’rybody, ev’rybody wants to be a cat!_

Kurt shook his head when Blaine was finished singing. He kissed Blaine before leaving the room to cook dinner. Blaine spent the rest of the evening with the kitten. And Kurt would never admit it, but as Berlioz snuggled up to him in bed that night, he was already fond of their newest addition.

**A/N:** Here is the English translation to the song Blaine sings, “Cinema Paradiso.”

If you were in my eyes for one day,

You could see the full beauty of the joy

I find in your eyes.

And it isn’t magic or loyalty.

 

If you were in my heart for a day,

You would have an idea

Of what I feel;

When you hold me strongly to you

Heart to heart,

Breathing together.

 

If you were in my soul for a day,

You would know what is inside me.

That I fell in love

At that instant, together with you.

And what I sense,

It’s only love.


	4. Chapter 3:  Pear Hips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter almost didn’t get posted. I have a heart condition known as Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) which basically means I have an abnormally high heart rate and at times it begins to race and can’t be brought back down without medication or shocking it back into rhythm. Yesterday I went to the Emergency Room with a heart rate of 164 beats per minute. I don’t know what my doctor is going to do yet as I had surgery for this six years ago but now it seems they didn’t fix the problem completely or it’s come back. I may have to have the surgery again. For now, this story will still be updated weekly. It is highly likely that that will change but that all depends on my health. But for now, enjoy the newest installment of In Search of Utopia.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Climb Every Mountain” is from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s The Sound of Music. “Better Life” belongs to Keith Urban.

Chapter Three:  Pear Hips

Tuesday September 4, 2012

Blaine stretched his arm across the bed, reaching to pull Kurt closer. But all he felt was Berlioz curled up against Kurt’s pillow. He frowned, rolling over to glance at the alarm clock. It was three o’clock in the morning.

“Kurt?” Blaine called out, stifling a yawn.

“In here,” Kurt’s voice sounded from his closet.

Blaine climbed out of bed, walking into Kurt’s closet to see his fiancé holding up a purple button-down shirt. Kurt frowned at the shirt before hanging it back up. He reached for a different shirt, holding it up to a pair of black skintight jeans.

“Kurt, it’s three in the morning. What are you doing up?” Blaine asked, taking the shirt from Kurt and returning it to its proper place.

“I woke up and realized my outfit for today was _completely_ wrong. I need to figure out what I’m going to wear now,” Kurt said.

“You can decide in the morning. Come back to bed,” Blaine tugged on Kurt’s arm.

“I can’t sleep, not until I get this figured out,” Kurt protested, pulling his arm out of Blaine’s grasp.

“Kurt, I know you’re nervous, but you _can’t_ drive yourself crazy over every little detail. Now come on. I’m not taking no for an answer,” Blaine said. He pulled Kurt out of his closet, closing the door firmly behind him. Kurt knew there was no point in fighting and followed Blaine to their bed.

Blaine moved Berlioz to the foot of the bed before climbing into it, opening his arms to Kurt. Kurt moved into his arms, laying his head on Blaine’s chest. He breathed in his comforting scent. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was Blaine’s soothing voice assuring him, “Everything will be all right.”

**K/B**

When Blaine woke next, it was again to find Kurt’s side of the bed empty. He heard the baby grand piano playing from the library downstairs. Pulling himself out of bed, Blaine dressed quickly before walking down the stairs. To his immediate right was an open door. Blaine walked through it to see Kurt sitting in front of the piano, practicing the song he would perform for Carmen Tibideaux.

The library was beautifully decorated with hardwood floors and white paneled walls. A Persian rug lay in front of a large fireplace with two chairs facing the hearth. Bookcases wrapped around the entire room, even over the chaise lounge that was pushed against the wall closest to Blaine. In the far left corner was a black baby grand Steinway piano. Blaine sat in one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, listening to Kurt sing. He didn’t speak until he was finished, not wanting to interrupt.

“You’re perfect,” Blaine told him.

Kurt jumped. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You were focused,” Blaine told him. “Do you feel any better?”

"Not really. I’m still nervous,” Kurt admitted. Blaine moved to sit beside him on the piano bench.

“You’re going to be just fine. Your professors aren’t going to know what hit them,” Blaine vowed, kissing him lovingly.

Kurt smiled, returning Blaine’s kiss. Kurt only hoped he was right. His future was depending on this.

**K/B**

The first day had been a disaster so far. Kurt spilt coffee on himself on the way to school and didn’t have time to turn around to change. He got lost twice and his professors chewed him out for being late. And his dance instructor hated him. Of course, she hated most of her students, but Kurt and Rachel particularly.

Her name was Cassandra July. She was tall, blonde, and highly intimidating. Cassie had the class learning an impossibly difficult dance number on their first day. Rachel and Kurt both struggled to keep up. Cassie walked around the room, finding something wrong with each student. Finally, she got to Kurt and Rachel.

“Pear Hips and David Schwimmer,” she said, looking at Rachel and Kurt.

“Do you mean us?” Rachel asked timidly.

“Yes, you. I bet you were big stars in some small Midwestern town,” Cassie guessed. “Well here, you are _nothing_. And you will be hard-pressed to _ever_ become something. As far as I can tell, you’re both hopeless but as the only person allowed to cut you is Carmen Tibideaux, I am _forced_ to teach you. And you _will_ try your hardest or I will make your life _a living hell_. Got it?”

Kurt and Rachel nodded. They were both glad when Cassie moved on to the next student. After the class was over, they met up with Blaine and Finn for lunch. The second Kurt walked through the door Blaine could tell he was having an urge.

“What happened?” Blaine asked, on his feet instantly. Kurt fell into Blaine’s arms, allowing himself to relax for the first time that day, in the comfort of Blaine’s loving embrace.

“Our dance teacher is _awful_ ,” Rachel answered for Kurt. She launched into a detailed explanation of Cassie July’s teaching methods.

“I can’t believe she said that,” Finn said when Rachel was finished.

“You need to tell someone,” Blaine added, rubbing soothing circles over Kurt’s shoulders.

“Like who? It doesn’t matter. We _need_ this class to graduate,” Kurt said, slumping into a chair at their table.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked. “Did you take your medicine?”

“I’m fine,” Kurt lied.

“You didn’t . . . _you_ _know_ , did you?” Finn asked awkwardly.

“Of course not, Finn,” Kurt said angrily. Just because he was triggered didn’t mean he would give in to temptation.

Kurt was quiet through the rest of lunch, which deeply concerned Blaine. As much as he wanted to persuade Kurt to talk, he knew he would not do so before he was ready. He watched Kurt leave with Rachel with a frown, hoping he would be ready to talk that night.

**K/B**

After lunch, things weren’t as bad. Kurt had one more class with Rachel. They met in the Round Room for Carmen Tibideaux’s class. Rachel was already in the room, saving him a seat, when he arrived.

“Are you nervous?” he asked as he sat down.

" _Terrified_. You?” Rachel asked in a shaky voice.

“Same,” Kurt said. Before either could say anything more, Carmen Tibideaux was striding into the room.

“Good afternoon, students. You are here because you were handpicked by me to attend this school. I can decide to revoke that invitation if I see fit. Your first opportunity to sing is today. Shall we begin? Where is Kurt Hummel?”

Kurt’s eyes widened and he stopped breathing. Rachel nudged him, whispering “Breathe,” as he shakily got to his feet. He walked to the front of the room, trying to ignore the fact that all eyes were on him.

“My name is Kurt Hummel. I will be singing ‘Climb Every Mountain’ from the 1959 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, _The Sound of Music._ ”

Kurt drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

_Climb every mountain,_

_Search high and low,_

_Follow every byway,_

_Every path you know._

Kurt had chosen the song to honor his mother. _The Sound of Music_ had been her favorite movie. She had insisted on naming him after Kurt Von Trapp. The movie would always hold a special place in his heart and it never failed to remind him of his mother.

_Climb every mountain,_

_Ford every stream,_

_Follow every rainbow,_

_'Till you find your dream._

After everything that he had been through, the song had a special meaning for Kurt. Blaine was always assuring him that they could get through anything together. To Kurt, this song symbolized that.

_A dream that will need_

_All the love you can give,_

_Every day of your life_

_For as long as you live._

Kurt knew his fellow students all had the same dream as him:  Broadway. He also knew it was highly unlikely that his dream would ever become a reality. But he would try his hardest to achieve his goals.

_Climb every mountain._

_Ford every stream._

_Follow every rainbow._

_Till you find your dream!_

Rachel was smiling widely at Kurt as he sang. Their eyes locked and she nodded encouragingly.

_Climb every mountain._

_Ford every stream._

_Follow every rainbow._

_Till you find your dream!_

“Very good, Mr. Hummel. Thank you,” Tibideaux said before calling the next performer.

Kurt breathed a sigh of relief as he took his seat next to Rachel. She reached out and squeezed his hand. Kurt offered her a smile. He had survived his first day of classes.

**K/B**

Kurt was mentally and physically exhausted by the time he and Rachel returned to the apartment late that afternoon. Rachel immediately started dinner, knowing Finn would be hungry. Kurt heard a guitar playing from the living room. He walked into the room, smiling when he saw Blaine sitting on the couch with the guitar in his lap.

“What’re you working on?” Kurt asked, sitting next to him.

Blaine jumped. When he spoke he sounded slightly disappointed, “I _was_ going to surprise you.”

“Well I think you can say you have. I wasn’t expecting you to be playing when I got home. Can I hear it?”

Blaine smiled and nodded.

_Friday night and the moon is high_

_I'm wide-awake just watchin' you sleep._

_And I promise you you're gonna have_

_More than just the things that you need._

_We ain't got much now, we're just startin' out._

_But I know somehow paradise is comin'._

Blaine knew Kurt’s first day had not lived up to his expectations. He knew that would only increase his fears that New York would let him down. Blaine only wanted Kurt to be happy. He wanted to give him everything he could ever want and need. And while Blaine could certainly offer Kurt some things, he could not change his dance teacher’s opinion.

_Someday, baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_Good luck's gonna shine._

_Someday, baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_So hold on._

_We're headed for a better life._

Despite the way things had gone today, Blaine was hopeful that it was not a sign of things to come. Things would get better. After all, they had been through a lot worse before and gotten through it. They would get through this too.

_Oh, now there's a place for you and me_

_Where we can dream as big as the sky._

_I know it's hard to see it now_

_But baby someday we're gonna fly._

_This road we're on, you know it might be long;_

_But my faith is strong,_

_It's all that really matters._

New York was a fresh start for them. In Lima, all they could have were dreams. In New York, they had the opportunity to make those dreams come true. They just had to have faith that things would work out in the end.

_Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_Good luck's gonna shine._

_Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones_

_So hold on._

_We're headed for a better life._

Kurt’s life hadn’t turned out the way he had wanted. But now things were finally looking up. He had escaped small-minded Lima, Ohio for the bright lights of New York City. He was engaged to the love of his life, living with him in a place they called their own. And maybe one day his dreams would finally come true.

_So hold on, hold on._

_C'mon baby, hold on._

_Yeah, we're gonna have it all._

_And ooh._

_Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_Good luck's gonna shine._

_Yes, it is._

_Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_So hold on._

_Just hold on._

Yes, things were finally looking up. It had taken a long time, but things were getting better. Kurt could not remember a time when he had felt so free. It was exhilarating.

_Someday baby, you and I are gonna be the ones_

_Good luck's gonna shine._

_Shine on now._

_Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones_

_So hold on._

_We're headed for a better life._

_Oh, a better life now._

_A better life!_

_Hey we're gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see._

_We're headed for a better life, you and me._

_We're gonna break the chains that bind and, finally we'll be free._

_We're gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me._

_Just hold on tight now, baby._

When Blaine had played the last notes, Kurt took the guitar from him, setting it aside. He straddled Blaine’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. Blaine smiled against his lips, putting his hands on Kurt’s hips and pulling him closer. When they finally pulled apart, Blaine whispered, “I take it you liked it.”

“I loved it. I love you,” Kurt said, kissing him once more.

“I love you too.”

“Forever and always?”

“Forever and always.”


	5. Chapter 4:  Fine Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So as of right now, I do not have to have heart surgery again. I’m still on a heart monitor and I’m on medication indefinitely but if the medication continues to control the problem then I won’t have to have surgery, which is obviously what I’m hoping for. So for now, I will continue with the weekly updates. I might have to slack off a bit around the time for finals but until then we’ll see what happens. Thank you for all of your well wishes! You certainly know how to make a girl feel loved! I hope you enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-injury
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Change” belongs to Taylor Swift. “Fine Again” belongs to Seether.

Chapter Four:  Fine Again

Wednesday September 12, 2012

 Kurt’s perspective had changed greatly over the past week. He had never missed his father this badly in his life. In fact, he had never been away from his father for this long. It didn’t help matters that Cooper Anderson was arriving for a short visit with Blaine later that evening. Kurt wouldn’t dare admit it aloud but he was jealous. Blaine got to see his brother but Kurt’s father was still in faraway Lima, Ohio. Of course he had Finn living with him but he still missed his dad.

Kurt tried to distract himself. He had found a local off-Broadway theater that was holding auditions for _The Sound of Music_. Kurt had immediately signed up, auditioning for the role of Rolf Grubel, Liesl von Trapp’s love interest. He had poured all of his effort into preparing for his audition in addition to his school work. Today Kurt had gone to the theater to see if he had gotten the part. He hadn’t.

Fighting back his tears, Kurt had walked home. Finn and Rachel greeted him from the living room as Kurt passed the doorway on his way to the staircase. He waved dismally before climbing the stairs to the master suite. Glancing into the bedroom, Kurt saw Berlioz curled up asleep on the bed but no Blaine. He turned left and peered into their study. The room wasn’t too big nor was it too small. The walls were painted a deep red and the floor was hardwood. There were two large windows set into the north wall, looking out over the outdoor room. A window seat was in the left corner, continuing about halfway down the west wall. An L-shaped desk was pushed into the corner of the west wall, opposite the window seat. Five bookcases along the south and east walls were overflowing with books. In the right corner of the north wall was another L-shaped desk. At this desk sat Blaine.

“Hey, babe,” Blaine said brightly as he heard Kurt enter the room. Kurt didn’t reply but instead settled into the corner of the window seat. At the lack of response, Blaine turned around. One look at his fiancé’s face and Blaine asked, “What’s wrong?”

No longer able to fight them, Kurt dissolved into tears. Blaine was instantly by his side, pulling him into his arms. He held Kurt tightly, rocking him gently as he cried. It seemed like forever before Kurt’s tears finally subsided and he pulled himself away from Blaine.

“What happened?” Blaine asked.

“I didn’t get the part,” Kurt said sadly. “Why can’t something just go _right_ for a change?”

“Oh, baby. Things won’t always be this way. Here, I’ve been working on something.” Blaine reached for his guitar where it sat beside the window seat. He set it in his lap, looking up at Kurt as he began to play.

_And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you._

_Somebody else gets what you wanted again and_

_You know it’s all the same, another time and place._

_Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it._

_But I believe in whatever you do._

_And I’ll do anything to see it through._

Every time things finally began to look up, they all went to hell again. Kurt was tired of it all. He just wanted to be happy but it seemed like that would never happen. But Blaine had faith that things would get better and he had faith that Kurt would be happy.

_Because these things will change._

_Can you feel it now?_

_These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down._

_This revolution, the time will come_

_For us to finally win._

_And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah._

They couldn’t always lose, Blaine knew that. It was only a matter of time before they came out the victors. Life had been hard on both of them, but things were different now. They had so many opportunities now that never would have been possible in Ohio. That alone gave Blaine hope.

_So we’ve been outnumbered,_

_Raided and now cornered._

_It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair._

_We’re getting stronger now._

_Find things they never found._

_They might be bigger,_

_But we’re faster and never scared._

_You can walk away, say we don’t need this._

_But there’s something in your eyes_

_Says we can beat this._

Kurt was ready to give up. It seemed like he had been fighting his entire life and he was ready to surrender. Life just wasn’t fair and it never would be fair and nothing Kurt did could ever change that. So what was the point?

_Because these things will change._

_Can you feel it now?_

_These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down._

_This revolution, the time will come_

_For us to finally win._

_And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah._

But Blaine would not allow Kurt to give up. After everything they had been through, Kurt couldn’t give up now. He had come so far. And if he threw it all away now, Blaine knew the fight would only be harder than ever before.

_Tonight we’ll stand, get off our knees._

_Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years._

_And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives;_

_But we’ll stand up champions tonight._

So Blaine had to have faith. He would not allow Kurt to fall. He would hold him up when his knees gave out and remind him of all the reasons he had to continue the fight. Yes, the crusade was far from over but it would be even longer if Kurt lost hope completely.

_It was the night things changed._

_Can you see it now?_

_These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down._

_It’s a revolution, throw your hands up_

_Cause we never gave in._

_And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah._

_Hallelujah!_

Blaine set his guitar aside, smiling when Kurt climbed into his lap. The song had lifted Kurt’s spirits a little. He knew Blaine would never give up on him, even when he gave up on himself. Kurt buried his face in the crook of Blaine’s neck. They sat that way for a while until Blaine finally looked at the grandfather clock beside his guitar.

“I have to go get Cooper from the airport,” Blaine said softly. He didn’t want to leave Kurt, not when he was like this, but he had promised Cooper he would be there to greet him. “Will you be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Kurt assured him.

“Are you sure? I can just tell him to catch a cab if you don’t want me to go,” Blaine said doubtfully.

“No, you told him you’d pick him up. I’ll take a hot bath and relax until you get back,” Kurt told him. He repeated, “I’ll be _fine.”_

"If you’re sure. . . . Call me if you need me and I’ll come straight back. Finn and Rachel are downstairs if you need them,” Blaine said, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s forehead.

“Stop worrying and go,” Kurt said with a smile. He kissed Blaine’s lips before lightly pushing him towards the door.

The trip to the airport and back took an hour. Cooper had been happy to see his little brother. Blaine was glad they were repairing their fractured relationship after all this time. He had listened to Cooper talk animatedly about his latest audition in Los Angeles, doing his best to hide the fact that his thoughts were still with Kurt. The second they arrived at the penthouse Blaine helped Cooper drop his things off in the guest room before hurrying up the stairs to the master suite. He was fully expecting to find Kurt still in the bathtub and was surprised when he saw him curled up on top of the covers on their queen size bed with Berlioz laying in the crook of his knees. Blaine smiled, gently maneuvering Kurt and the kitten so he could pull the covers up over him. He brushed his hair back from his forehead, pressing a gentle kiss to the smooth skin. Kurt stirred but didn’t wake. Blaine left him to sleep, returning downstairs to his brother.

“Where’s Kurt?” Cooper asked when Blaine entered the living room. Finn and Rachel were there as well, sitting diagonal from Cooper on the U-shaped couch.

“He’s asleep,” Blaine answered as he slumped onto the couch opposite his brother. “He had a bad day so I left him to sleep.”

“What happened?” Finn asked.

“Remember he tried out for _The Sound of Music_ at that off-Broadway theater? He found out today he didn’t get the part,” Blaine said with a heavy sigh.

“Oh no, is he all right? I was worried when he didn’t say anything when he came home. I checked on him after you left but he was in the bathroom,” Rachel asked worriedly.

“He’s understandably upset,” Blaine answered.

“He didn’t-” Finn began to ask.

 _"No,”_ Blaine answered sharply, cutting him off as his eyes flew to his brother, hoping he had missed Finn’s question and Blaine’s panicked reaction. Unfortunately, Cooper had always been the most observant at the least opportune moments.

“He didn’t what?” Cooper asked. Mercifully, a timer sounded from the kitchen and Rachel immediately jumped to her feet.

“Dinner’s ready!” Rachel exclaimed. She bustled out of the room and, thankful for the interruption, Blaine hurried after her.

“Are you going to be okay on your own while I’m in class tomorrow?” Blaine asked his brother as he cut the homemade pepperoni pizza into eighths.

“I’ll be fine, Squirt. It’s not like this is my first time in the Big Apple,” Cooper reminded him as he took two slices of pizza for himself.

“Do you want to meet me for lunch tomorrow? Kurt’s going to the library so it’ll just be us,” Blaine asked.

“Sounds good,” Cooper agreed.

When everyone had finished eating, Blaine cleaned up the kitchen as Rachel had cooked. Rachel and Finn retired to their bedroom. Blaine exited the kitchen to find Cooper in the living room, flicking through the latest addition of Vogue. As Blaine joined him on the couch, Cooper set the magazine aside.

“So,” Cooper began, “you asked Kurt to marry you.”

“I did,” Blaine said with a smile. It seemed like just yesterday he had been down on one knee on the staircase where he and Kurt met at Dalton, but in reality three months had passed.

“I envy you,” Cooper said.

Blaine was shocked. Cooper had never shown any signs of jealousy in his life, except for when someone got a part he wanted. He looked at his brother with wide, surprised eyes.

“You envy _me_?”

“Is that so surprising?” Cooper asked with a laugh. “Bee, you and Kurt have something that many people spend their _entire_ _life_ searching for and some _never_ find it. You’re so incredibly _lucky_ to have found that at such a young age.”

Blaine blushed. “I never knew you could love so _strongly_ , _deeply_ , _passionately_ until I met Kurt. You’ll have that too someday, Coop. There’s a perfect girl out there waiting for you somewhere. You just have to find her.”

Cooper smiled brightly. “I’m sure I will. Night, Bee.”

“Night, Coop,” Blaine replied as Cooper clasped him on the shoulder before disappearing down the hall.

**K/B**

Thursday September 13, 2012

“Kurt,” Blaine said softly. Kurt snuggled his head deeper into his pillow. Blaine smiled, pressing his lips to Kurt’s exposed throat. He trailed kisses up to his lips, smiling when Kurt responded to his touch. When he pulled back, sleepy blue-green eyes were gazing back at him. “Good morning.”

Kurt groaned, rolling over and resting his head on Blaine’s thigh. Blaine carded his hand through Kurt’s hair.

“What time is it?” Kurt murmured after a while.

“Six o’clock in the morning,” Blaine answered. “You’ve been asleep since you came home yesterday.”

“Oh, crap! Why didn’t you wake me up?” Kurt asked, sitting up. “I told Rachel I’d help her with our dance number.”

“You needed rest. I know you haven’t been sleeping well, love. And don’t worry about Rachel. She understood,” Blaine assured him, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“You told her?” Kurt asked. There was no anger in his voice, only resignation.

“She was worried about you. She could tell you were upset when you came home,” Blaine told him.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said immediately, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

“Except you’re not,” Blaine disagreed. “You’re _not_ fine, Kurt. Remember what Dr. Madsen said about pretending you’re okay when you’re not.”

Kurt sighed unhappily, tears filling his eyes as he slid off the bed. “Please don’t, Blaine. Just don’t.”

“I can’t make you talk about it, Kurt, but we both know it’s unhealthy to put up this façade so you can run away from your problems,” Blaine said, moving towards Kurt. Kurt allowed Blaine to pull him into his arms for a moment before he took a few steps back, putting distance between them.

“I’m going to get dressed. I’ll see you tonight,” Kurt said. He pressed a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips and disappeared into his closet before Blaine could protest. Blaine longed to go after him but he knew if he pushed Kurt any further to talk he would only lash out. So Blaine grabbed his messenger bag from the study and left for his first class.

Kurt took his time getting ready for the day. After he couldn’t stall any longer he descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen. As expected, Rachel and Finn were at the table eating breakfast. Rachel looked up as he came into the room.

“Morning,” Rachel said brightly as she poured cereal into a bowl.

“Morning,” Kurt replied, walking to the Keurig.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’ll be okay,” Kurt said. He hoped that would satisfy her. He wasn’t lying outright.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rachel questioned.

 _"No,_ I don’t,” Kurt replied stiffly as he set about making coffee.

“Dude, I get you’re upset and everything but there’ll be other auditions,” Finn said as he continued to shovel Frosted Flakes into his mouth.

Kurt froze. He had managed to hold his temper in place when talking to Rachel but something inside him snapped.

“Do you _know_ why they rejected me, Finn?” Kurt asked sharply. “They said I was too _effeminate_. I wasn’t _masculine_ enough. I couldn’t pass as a _heterosexual_ _male.”_

“Oh, Kurt,” Rachel gasped.

“No. _Don’t,”_ Kurt said, pushing back from the counter.

“Come on, Kurt, don’t be like this. Things are so much _better_ now!” Finn continued, obviously not knowing when to stop.

“Thanks, Finn. I’ll try to remember that,” Kurt said sarcastically before exiting the room, coffee forgotten. He climbed the stairs to the master suite, pacing the room as he tried to calm himself down. He was so angry at his stepbrother; he just wanted to yell and scream until he was too hoarse to make a sound. Instead he turned on his iHome and scrolled through the playlist until he found the song he wanted.

_It seems like every day’s the same_

_And I’m left to discover on my own._

_It seems like everything is gray_

_And there’s no color to behold._

_They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah._

_Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here._

Kurt was so tired of feeling this way. Every time things began to look up, they went to hell again. Things were beginning to fall apart all over again and no matter how hard he tried, Kurt was powerless to stop it. And here Finn was telling him everything was better and that he shouldn’t be upset.

_And I am aware now of how_

_Everything’s gonna be fine one day._

_Too late, I’m in hell._

_I am prepared now._

_Seems everyone’s gonna be fine._

_One day too late, just as well._

Before when Kurt was still self-injuring, everyone had told him things would get better. One day, everything would be okay again. But Kurt didn’t feel that things had ever gotten better or would ever get better. He was in his own personal hell.

_I feel the dream in me expire_

_And there’s no one left to blame it on._

_I hear you label me a liar_

_‘Cause I can’t seem to get this through._

_You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah._

_Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here?_

With each passing day, Kurt’s hope was fading. He was coming to accept his dreams as just that, dreams that would never become reality. With each passing day, it was harder for Kurt to remember why he shouldn’t hurt himself. Most days he just didn’t want to try anymore.

_And I am aware now of how_

_Everything’s gonna be fine one day._

_Too late, I’m in hell._

_I am prepared now._

_Seems everyone’s gonna be fine._

_One day too late; just as well._

Every day, Kurt forced himself to remember the pain he had inadvertently caused Blaine and his family each time he hurt himself. That alone kept him from giving in, but there were some days where Kurt wanted to rid himself of the emotional pain, no matter the costs.

_And I’m not scared now._

_I must assure you._

_You’re never gonna get away_

_And I’m not scared now._

_And I’m not scared now, no. . . ._

At the beginning, Kurt had been so hopeful that New York would be all he had ever dreamed it was. But that was far from the truth. He felt alone, even with Blaine, Finn, and Rachel’s constant presence. Cassie July’s comments with each class period were wearing him down. Kurt just couldn’t do it anymore. But he had no choice. He couldn’t drop the class as he needed it to graduate. He would just have to find some way to endure the pain.

_I am aware now of how_

_Everything’s gonna be fine one day._

_Too late, I’m in hell._

_I am prepared now._

_Seems everyone’s gonna be fine._

_One day too late, just as well._

_I am prepared now._

_Seems everything’s gonna be fine for me,_

_For me; for myself._

_For me, for me, for myself._

_For me, for me, for myself._

_I am prepared now for myself._

_I am prepared now and I am fine . . . again._

Kurt took a few minutes to pull himself together before grabbing his messenger bag. He exited the penthouse through the dressing room, hoping to leave without seeing Finn. He waited for the elevator and when the doors finally opened he stepped in and pushed the button for the ground floor. The elevator began its descent but to Kurt’s frustration it only went down one floor before stopping once more. The doors opened and Rachel entered the elevator from the bottom floor of the penthouse.

“Trying to leave without me?” Rachel asked knowingly.

“I didn’t want to see Finn,” Kurt answered, pressing the button so the elevator doors would close.

"Finn’s never been good at emotions, Kurt. You know that. But he’s trying. He’s trying for _you_ ,” Rachel said.

“I never _asked_ him to!” Kurt snapped. Rachel’s eyes grew wide in shock. Kurt sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you. Finn just needs to understand. I damn well have a reason to be depressed. I have _depression_.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him,” Rachel offered.

“No, don’t. Just let it go,” Kurt pleaded.

“If you’re sure,” Rachel said slowly.

“I am,” Kurt assured her. He knew talking to Finn would only make things worse. Finn just didn’t understand and Kurt wasn’t sure that he ever would. As Rachel had said, Finn had never been good with emotions.

**K/B**

Kurt did his best to pay attention through his first class but his mind would not stop racing. He was actually glad when it was time for his dance class with Cassie July as he knew he would have to concentrate or risk Cassie’s wrath. The class was flying by much too quickly for Kurt’s liking. He knew the second it ended he would not be able to control his thoughts once more.

“Pear Hips!” Cassie’s voice cut through the room. Kurt looked up, suppressing a sigh. This could not be good. “Where did you learn to dance? You look constipated. You’ll _never_ make it on Broadway looking like you’re about to poo yourself.”

Kurt bit on his lip hard but didn’t reply. The second class was dismissed, Kurt threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and sprinted from the room. Rachel grabbed her things and hurried after him but it was too late. Kurt was nowhere to be seen.

**K/B**

Blaine was at the café he frequented with Kurt, Rachel and Finn. He had suggested it to Cooper for lunch, who readily agreed. They had just entered the building when his phone rang. Blaine frowned when he saw Rachel’s name flash across the screen.

“Hey, Rach. What’s up?” Blaine asked as he followed Cooper over to a booth.

“Have you heard from Kurt?” Rachel asked. She was out of breath, gasping into the phone.

“No. Why?” Blaine asked. His heart sunk instantly at Rachel’s question.

“Cassie insulted him during dance class. He ran out and I haven’t been able to find him. He won’t answer his phone,” Rachel said, on the verge of hysterics.

“Okay, calm down. I’m sure he just needs a moment to himself,” Blaine said more to assure himself than her.

“I can’t find him, Blaine!” Rachel said, her tears bubbling over and streaming down her cheeks.

“Rachel, I will find him, okay? Just go to your next class. I’ll call you when I find him,” Blaine promised.

“But-”

“You know Kurt doesn’t like a lot of people around him when he’s like this, Rachel. Just go to class.”

“Okay,” Rachel said, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“I’ll call you,” Blaine promised before hanging up. He was dialing Kurt’s number in the next second, grabbing his coat and sliding out of the booth. He said to a confused Cooper, “We have to go.”

Kurt’s phone rang and rang but he never answered. Blaine cursed as the voicemail picked up, redialing the number. He sprinted out of the café, not even looking to see if Cooper was following him.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Cooper demanded as he ran after his brother.

"Kurt ran out of his dance class and Rachel can’t find him,” Blaine said. Cooper continued to probe him for more information but Blaine ignored him as he frantically dialed Kurt’s number once more. Cooper gave up, following after his brother in silence.

**K/B**

Kurt took the elevator straight to the master suite of the penthouse. He dropped his messenger bag on the floor of the dressing room, stripping off his clothes the second he entered the bathroom. Kurt opened Blaine’s drawer, pulling out one of his razor cartridges. He tore the cartridge apart until the blades were free of their confines and resting in the palm of his hand. Kurt placed one blade on the counter, hiding the others so Blaine would not be able to find them. Then he turned on the shower and stepped inside.

His thoughts were not of his fiancé, his father, his stepmother and stepbrother, or his best friend. All of his thoughts were on the release he so desperately needed. For the first time in five months, Kurt sliced into his flesh. He felt the pain of the new wound, but it wasn’t like it was supposed to be. It wasn’t enough. It was like he was feeling the pain through a veil. So he cut into his flesh again and again, each one deeper than the last, until he finally felt nothing but physical pain. The emotional pain had left him.

**K/B**

It seemed like hours before they reached Gramercy Park Hotel. Blaine flew through the lobby and straight to the elevator, pushing a startled couple out of the way as they were stepping into the open doors of the lift. Cooper apologized even as he followed after his brother. Blaine inserted his key and pushed the button for the upper level of the penthouse, knowing if Kurt was home he would seek solace in their bedroom.

The elevator doors opened and Blaine ran straight through the dressing room, turning left into the bathroom. The shower was running. Blaine spun to the right, gasping at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was standing towards the back of the shower, out of the way of the water’s spray. He held a razorblade in his right hand. There were at least twenty cuts bleeding freely. His stomach, his thighs, and both forearms were covered in blood. Blaine knew instantly Kurt needed medical attention.

“What the _hell?”_ Cooper exclaimed behind Blaine.

Kurt’s head snapped in their direction. He caught sight of Blaine and his knees gave out as he gasped, “It’s not right. It feels different. It’s not right.”

Blaine rushed forwards, turning off the water as he stepped into the shower. Blaine lifted Kurt into his arms, carrying him out of the shower. Cooper had found a towel and draped it over Kurt’s trembling body. Blaine set him on the closed toilet seat, wrapping the towel around Kurt’s waist. He saw Kurt’s boxer briefs on the ground and slipped them up his legs. Removing the towel from Kurt’s waist, Blaine moved it to his right forearm which had the deepest cuts. Five long months had passed since Kurt’s last relapse, and as with most relapses, these cuts were deep. Blaine did his best to staunch the bleeding, holding the towel tightly around Kurt’s forearm. He looked up into Kurt’s sad blue-green eyes. And Kurt said in the most heartbroken voice Blaine had ever heard,

“It didn’t work, Blainey, it didn’t work. I tried harder and harder and it didn’t. . . . _It didn’t work.”_


	6. Chapter 5:  Dark Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know Glee just did “Dark Side” in this week’s episode, but I’ve been planning to use this song for a while now and decided to go ahead and keep it in. It really helps describe Kurt’s fear and anxiety and I hope I was able to convey that. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-injury, sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Porcelain” belongs to Marianas Trench. “Dark Side” belongs to Kelly Clarkson.

Chapter Five:  Dark Side

Thursday September 13, 2012

“We’ve got to get you to a hospital,” Blaine said, pulling Kurt to his feet.

Kurt leaned into Blaine’s chest, sobbing, “It didn’t work, Blainey, it didn’t work.”

“I know, baby, I know. Let’s find you a pair of pajamas so you don’t have to walk into the hospital in your briefs,” Blaine said, hugging Kurt with one arm while keeping pressure on his right forearm.

“I’ll find his keys,” Cooper said.

Blaine looked up in surprise, having forgotten his brother’s presence entirely. “Coop,” he began.

“Later,” Cooper interrupted. “Right now Kurt needs to get to a hospital.”

Blaine helped Kurt into a pair of pajamas before they got into the elevator and descended to the ground floor. Kurt continued to cry as Cooper maneuvered the Navigator through the city. Ten minutes later they were pulling up outside Bellevue Hospital. Cooper dropped them off at the front door of the Emergency Room before looking for a parking spot.

A nurse was already taking Kurt back as Cooper ran into the ER. Blaine was insisting he not be separated from Kurt.

“He’s my fiancé!” he pleaded with the nurse.

“You can come with him, but you’ll have to stay out here,” the nurse said, eyeing Cooper.

Blaine spun around to see his brother behind him.

“Go, Bee. I’ll be out here waiting,” Cooper told him, clasping his shoulder tightly. Blaine nodded before following the nurse as she wheeled Kurt down the hall.

The nurse took Kurt’s vital signs and then informed them the doctor would be in shortly. Blaine sat next to Kurt on the table, holding him close as he continued to cry. He held him until the doctor came in.

“Kurt Hummel?” the doctor asked.

“Yes,” Kurt answered in a small, broken voice.

“I’m Dr. Ames. What brings you in today?” the doctor inquired as he took a seat opposite Kurt.

“I cut myself,” Kurt said in a whisper.

“Let’s see,” Dr. Ames stepped over to stand beside Kurt. Kurt extended his right arm and slowly pulled the towel away. “These are self-inflicted?”

Kurt nodded.

“Have you had suicidal thoughts?”

_“No,”_ Kurt answered quickly. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

“Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?” Dr. Ames asked.

Again, Kurt nodded. He grasped the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He pulled off his pants, letting the doctor examine the cuts on his stomach and thighs.

“Okay, Kurt, I’m going to stitch these up and then we’ll have our hospital psychiatrist come in and speak with you,” Dr. Ames said.

_“Wait, what?”_ Kurt asked in a panic.

“It’s standard procedure. We can’t let you leave until we know for sure you are not in danger of a suicide attempt,” Dr. Ames explained.

“But I’m not! I _told_ you, I _wasn’t_ trying to kill myself!” Kurt exclaimed.

“Baby, calm down,” Blaine said, wrapping an arm around his fiancé.

Blaine was able to calm Kurt down enough so Dr. Ames could stitch up nine of his twenty-three wounds. Then the resident psychiatrist came in. Kurt talked to her reluctantly, knowing if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to return home. Finally, he was allowed to leave. Kurt didn’t speak on the way home, and he avoided Cooper’s gaze altogether. Blaine knew Kurt was less than happy with the fact that his secret had been exposed once more, but there was nothing either of them could do about it.

Once they were home, Blaine followed Kurt up the stairs. He helped him take another shower and into a pair of pajama pants. Kurt slid under the covers, laying his head on Blaine’s chest when he had joined him.

“Will you sing to me?” Kurt asked.

“Of course, love,” Blaine said. He kissed the top of Kurt’s head as he began to sing.

_You thought by now_

_You'd have it figured out._

_You can't erase the way it pulls,_

_When seasons change._

_It hurts sometimes_

_To find where you begin._

_But you are perfect porcelain._

Blaine knew Kurt had expected things to get better in New York, not worse. Kurt thought New York would be everything he had ever dreamt it was, but it wasn’t. Yes, the city was amazing but NYADA was not the school he thought it was. Cassandra July was beginning to make him regret his choice to ever attend the school. And now, here he was, back where he began with fresh wounds on his body. But somehow, to Blaine, he was still perfect.

_The slow and simple melody_

_Of tears you cannot keep from me._

_It's alright if you don't know what you need._

_I'm right here when_

_You need someone to see._

_It's not speak_

_Or forever hold your peace._

_It's alright to take time_

_And find where you've been._

_You are perfect porcelain._

Blaine wished Kurt had come to him instead of turning to the blade. But he knew that, as always, Kurt would not talk before he was ready. No matter how long it took, Blaine would be there waiting. There was no time limit; Kurt could take as long as he needed. Blaine was never giving up on him.

_The slow and simple melody_

_Of tears you cannot keep from me._

_It's alright if you don't know what you need._

Right now, Kurt couldn’t talk about his emotions. He didn’t fully understand them himself. So he had kept them within, hiding them so deep inside that even Blaine had not seen them until it was too late. A part of Kurt wanted to break down and tell Blaine everything, but a bigger part of him didn’t want to admit just how bad things really were in his head. Until he had sorted things out on his own, he would keep them to himself.

_Oh, when your heart releases,_

_You won't fall to pieces._

_You'll let those old diseases lie_

_Oh, and your heart releases,_

_You won't fall to pieces._

_And your breath comes crashing in,_

_Like perfect porcelain._

Kurt felt himself break into a thousand pieces. Blaine caught them all, but he couldn’t put the puzzle back together again. That was something Kurt had to do on his own. But maybe he didn’t want to. After all, if he was already broken he couldn’t get hurt again. Kurt closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift to sleep as Blaine’s tenor washed over him.

_The slow and simple melody_

_Of tears you cannot keep from me._

_It's alright if you don't know what you need._

Blaine slipped out from under Kurt, pressing a kiss to his forehead before he crept out of the room. He descended the stairs and entered the empty living room. There, Blaine collapsed on the couch and allowed his emotions to overtake him.

“Bee, are you okay?”

Blaine jumped, looking up to see his brother standing before him. He hastily wiped away his tears but knew Cooper had seen them. Cooper sat beside him, laying a comforting hand on his knee.

“I thought he was getting b-better,” Blaine said in a broken voice. “It had been _so_ _long_ . . . five m-months. I _knew_ he was st-struggling with all the changes b-but _I didn’t think he’d_. . . .”

“How long has this been going on, Bee?” Cooper asked softly.

“About two years,” Blaine answered. “I’ve tried so hard to help him. He was _getting_ _better_. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.”

“The only thing you can do, Squirt. Be there for him. I obviously don’t know what Kurt’s going through, or how he got started in the first place, but I do know he can’t deal with this on his own. Kurt needs all the support he can get,” Cooper said wisely.

“I just want him to get better. I want him to be _happy,”_ Blaine whispered.

“I know you do. But this isn’t something that’s going to get better overnight, Bee, or even in two years. Relapses happen. You just have to be there to catch him when he falls.”

Blaine began to cry harder. Cooper wrapped his arms around his little brother and let him cry into his shoulder. Cooper wished he could tell him things would get better, but he didn’t have a crystal ball or a Time-Turner for that matter. All Cooper could do was be there for Blaine and for Kurt.

**K/B**

Friday September 14, 2012

The next morning, Kurt and Blaine were pressed together as they slept:  Kurt’s back against Blaine’s chest. Kurt’s head was pillowed on one of Blaine’s arm while Blaine’s other arm was draped across Kurt’s waist. One of Blaine’s legs was slung over Kurt’s own and his gentle breath tickled the back of Kurt’s neck. Kurt woke slowly, blinking his eyes as they adjusted to the subtle sunlight shining into the room through the curtains. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand, surprised to see it was already ten o’clock. Blaine must have turned the alarm off so they could sleep in, not surprising considering how late they had returned from the emergency room the night before.

Kurt slipped out from under Blaine, groggily walking down the stairs and to the kitchen. He made a cup of coffee one-handed. Kurt peered down the hall towards Finn and Rachel’s room. The door was open meaning they had both left for school. As Kurt walked down the gallery to the staircase, he glanced down the hall towards the guest room. The door was closed. Kurt interpreted this as Cooper was still asleep. Relief washed over him. He didn’t know how much Blaine had told his brother but he was not ready for whatever conversation was sure to come.

He stumbled back up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Blaine was still asleep. He had pulled Kurt’s pillow over to take his place and his face was buried in the pillow. Berlioz was curled up in a ball, asleep in the crook of Blaine’s knee. Kurt chuckled at the sight before turning back out of the room and walking out onto the south outdoor room.

Kurt walked over to the edge, looking out over Manhattan. The city was always busy and this morning was no different. Kurt wondered if they were happy, content with their lease in life. He wished he was like that. He was so distracted he didn’t hear the door open behind him and jumped when two strong arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Kurt relaxed into his fiancé’s hold, turning his head to kiss him softly.

“Good morning,” Kurt said softly.

“It would be if you were still in bed. I missed you,” Blaine said with a frown, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s shoulder before moving to look out over the city beside him.

“I noticed,” Kurt said with a laugh. “You had your face buried in my pillow. Berlioz seemed happy though.”

“He’s not hard to please,” Blaine agreed. He paused before asking, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Kurt answered quickly. Blaine gave him a look. Kurt sighed. “I’ll be okay.”

“But you’re not okay,” Blaine insisted. “Not now.”

“Do we _have_ to have this conversation?” Kurt asked, turning away to walk back into the master suite in exasperation.

“Yes, we do,” Blaine said, following him as he walked into their bedroom. “You _can’t_ do this to yourself, Kurt, not again.”

“Then what am I _supposed_ to do, Blaine?” Kurt exclaimed. “Please, tell me if you are so knowledgeable about my feelings!”

“Kurt-”

“No, don’t! Don’t you _dare_ , Blaine Anderson! You don’t get to tell me how to deal with my emotions. You don’t get to tell me how I’m _supposed_ to feel!” Kurt fought back his tears as his emotions bubbled over.

 “I just want you to be happy,” Blaine said with hurt-filled eyes as his voice broke.

“But I’m not. I’m not happy! Can’t you just _accept_ that? I can’t help it. It’s not something I _chose_. You know that as well as I do! I _can’t_ do this, Blaine. I can’t deal with this. I’m coping the only way I know how,” the fight was slowly leaving Kurt. He suddenly felt very tired, but he wasn’t done yet. He had to make Blaine understand, here and now, or he knew he would never let it go. “I just hope I don’t lose you because of it.”

“Kurt, please-”

“No, don’t, just . . . just listen,” Kurt interrupted. He couldn’t express how he was feeling, not through words alone, but he could tell him in the best way he knew how:  through music. Kurt drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

_There's a place that I know,_

_It's not pretty there and few have ever gone._

_If I show it to you now,_

_Will it make you run away?_

Blaine had seen Kurt at his darkest, a place that virtually no one had seen before. Kurt had shown Blaine of his own volition, something he had never done before. Kurt’s deepest fear was someone else would discover this part of himself. He was afraid it would scare people away.

_Or will you stay?_

_Even if it hurts,_

_Even if I try to push you out,_

_Will you return?_

_And remind me who I really am._

_Please remind me who I really am._

Even more than he feared the discovery of his secret, Kurt was afraid of losing Blaine. What if he decided that this was too much? What if he couldn’t deal with this anymore? Where would that leave Kurt? He couldn’t live without Blaine. Kurt had been pushing Blaine away, he knew that. He had hid his feelings deep inside himself, afraid he would lose Blaine if he made them known. Kurt felt he had lost himself as a consequence. He just wanted Blaine to find him in this mess and bring him back.

_Everybody's got a dark side._

_Do you love me?_

_Can you love mine?_

_Nobody's a picture perfect._

_But we're worth it._

_You know that we're worth it._

_Will you love me?_

_Even with my dark side?_

Kurt loved Blaine more than he had ever loved anything. He had seen the darkest side of Kurt, and he had stayed despite everything Kurt had put him through. But how much was too much? Kurt knew he was falling again. Would Blaine love him still? Would he embrace Kurt:  hardships and all?

_Like a diamond,_

_From black dust._

_It's hard to know,_

_What can become,_

_If you give up._

_So don't give up on me._

_Please remind me who I really am._

If Blaine left him, Kurt didn’t know how he would survive. If Blaine gave up on him, how would Kurt find the strength to continue on? He needed Blaine to believe in him, because Kurt didn’t believe in himself. Blaine was his strength, his rock, his protector, his everything.

_Everybody's got a dark side._

_Do you love me?_

_Can you love mine?_

_Nobody's a picture perfect._

_But we're worth it._

_You know that we're worth it._

_Will you love me?_

_Even with my dark side?_

No one was perfect; Kurt had proved that to Blaine time and time again. Blaine had accepted his flaws, knowing they made Kurt who he was. Yes, Kurt’s depression and self-injury made things harder than most relationships, but Blaine knew their love was worth the fight. Kurt was worth the fight.

_Don't run away._

_Don't run away._

_Just tell me that you will stay._

_Promise me you will stay._

_Don't run away._

_Don't run away._

_Just promise me you will stay._

_Promise me you will stay._

Kurt prayed Blaine wouldn’t run away as a result of his latest relapse. He wanted to know that he would stay by his side despite it all. But even if Blaine promised he would never stray, Kurt’s fear would stay. He didn’t feel worth the fight and he worried Blaine would one day come to see that.

_Will you love me? Oh!_

_Everybody's got a dark side._

_Do you love me?_

_Can you love mine?_

_Nobody's a picture perfect._

_But we're worth it._

_You know that we're worth it._

_Will you love me?_

_Even with my dark side?_

Blaine didn’t know what he could do to make Kurt believe that he was in this for the long run, he was in this forever. Kurt had lived with this fear for so long and it wouldn’t be easy to let that go. But Blaine was willing to do whatever it took for Kurt to see that Blaine would never leave him. Nothing could ever make Blaine leave him.

_Don't run away._

_Don't run away._

_Don't run away._

_Promise you'll stay._

The second he finished singing, Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. Kurt cried into the crook of his neck, again amazed with how cathartic singing could be. Blaine held him until his sobs quieted and his body ceased to tremble. He gently pushed Kurt back to look him in the eyes, taking his face between his hands.

“I am _never_ leaving you, Kurt. _Never_. I love you more than I ever knew was possible to love someone. You _are_ the love of my life, _my soul mate_ , and I’m never going anywhere, _never_ ,” Blaine promised.

“I love you too,” Kurt said softly, his eyes glistening from the tears he had shed.

Blaine wiped away his tear tracks with his thumbs, asking, “Forever?”

“Always,” Kurt vowed.

Blaine captured his lips in a loving kiss. Kurt deepened it immediately. Their tongues tangled together and Kurt’s left hand came up to tangle in Blaine’s curls.

“Make love to me,” Kurt requested.

Blaine smiled, guiding Kurt to the bed. He would always love Kurt, physically and emotionally. He meant it when he said he was never going anywhere. Kurt was his _forever_.


	7. Chapter 6:  Sit and Watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Someone suggested I use the song “Forgive Me” by Evanescence a while ago. I’m sorry I don’t remember who you were but thank you for your suggestion and I give credit where credit is due. Another note, this will be the last update for a while. I have finals in 2 weeks and I need to focus solely on school. I will update again once the semester is over.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: extreme sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Forgive Me” belongs to Evanescence.

Chapter Six:  Sit and Watch

Friday September 14, 2012

“We can’t stay here forever,” Blaine said, running a hand up and down Kurt’s back.

Kurt sighed, tightening the grip of the arm that was slung over Blaine’s waist. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s collarbone. Their skin was slick with sweat from their lovemaking and Kurt found he was actually relaxing, despite everything that had happened in the past few days.

“Can’t we just lock the door and hide away from the rest of world?” Kurt asked. He was too content to even consider moving. Unfortunately, his stomach rumbled loudly. Kurt grimaced as Blaine laughed.

“I do believe your stomach does not agree with that idea,” Blaine said, kissing the top of Kurt’s head before slipping out from under him.

Kurt let his head fall onto the mattress with a dull thump. He watched Blaine pad across the room, naked, and around the corner towards their bathroom. He heard the sound of running water. Kurt sighed unhappily as his stomach grumbled again. Kurt climbed out of bed and followed Blaine, wondering if he could distract him for a while longer.

Kurt successfully managed to distract Blaine, but in the end Blaine again reminded him they couldn’t stay in the master suite forever. After their shower, the two went into their respective closets to dress for the day. Blaine was already waiting for him, sitting on the bed when Kurt walked out of his closet. Kurt took three long strides forward before launching himself at the bed. He tackled Blaine, knocking him onto his back. Blaine laughed even as Kurt groaned in pain.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked immediately as Kurt rolled off of him.

“Fine,” Kurt said through gritted teeth. “I forgot about the stitches.”

“Let me see,” Blaine insisted. Ignoring Kurt’s protests, he rolled up the right sleeve of his shirt to expose his forearm. Satisfied that he had not pulled out the stitches there he proceeded to check his stomach and thighs.

“I told you I was fine,” Kurt said when Blaine pulled his shirt back down.

“Well now I know that too,” Blaine replied, kissing Kurt swiftly before pulling him off the bed. “Come on, it’s time for breakfast.”

Blaine led Kurt down the stairs and through the hallway. Kurt froze as he stepped into the kitchen. He pulled his hand out of Blaine’s, staring at Cooper with wide eyes. He had been so distracted by Blaine that he had forgotten all about Cooper. Blaine looked back when Kurt tugged his hand away. He followed his fiancé’s gaze and sighed when his eyes rested on his brother. Blaine moved to Kurt’s side, wrapping a supportive arm around him.

“Take a deep breath. He won’t judge you,” Blaine whispered, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s cheek. Kurt nodded, drawing in a deep, shaky breath. Blaine ushered Kurt forward, walking around the table to sit across from Cooper, who had yet to notice the couple’s arrival as he was sitting with his back to the doorway. “Morning, Coop.”

Cooper looked up from the newspaper he was browsing. He smiled when he saw his brother. “Morning, Bee. How are you feeling, Kurt?”

Kurt opened his mouth to give his standard answer of ‘I’m fine,’ but Blaine caught his eye. He hesitated, closing his eyes and taking another deep breath before he replied, “I’m feeling better. . . . Cooper, I’m _really_ sorry you had to see that.”

“Kurt, don’t apologize. I don’t know what you’re going through but whatever it is, you found a way to cope. An _unhealthy_ way to cope, but you’re coping nonetheless. Who am I to judge you for that? But I do want you to know that if you _ever_ need to talk, I’m here for you. I may not be the best listener, but I’m trying, and not just for Blaine but for you too. So if you ever need someone to talk to . . . just know that I’m here for you,” Cooper finished.

Kurt blinked back his tears. He had been afraid to confront Cooper this morning, but he knew now all those fears had been unfounded. Cooper had accepted him for who he was. Without a further thought, Kurt pulled Cooper into a tight hug.

“Thank you,” Kurt said when he pulled back. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Cooper clapped Kurt on the back, smiling brightly. “Anytime, Kurt, and I mean that.”

Blaine smiled as he watched the exchange between his brother and his fiancé. He had to admit he had not known how to expect Cooper to react to Kurt’s self-injury. That had been the furthest thought from his mind as he had left the café with Cooper following him the day before. All he knew then was Kurt might be hurting himself and Blaine needed to get to him as fast as possible. Cooper had certainly proven himself:  driving them to the hospital and not pressing for details. Yes, Cooper was finally becoming the brother Blaine had always wished for.

“So, who wants breakfast?” Cooper asked, pushing away from the table and heading to the refrigerator.

“You don’t have to cook, Coop,” Blaine told him.

“I know, but I want to,” Cooper answered simply as he pulled out a carton of eggs and placed them on the counter next to the stove.

Knowing there was no point in arguing with his headstrong brother Blaine turned his attention to Kurt. He was surprised to see his eyes were filled with tears. Blaine framed his face with his hands.

“How are you feeling? Overwhelmed, anxious, hurting?” Blaine guessed.

“All of the above,” Kurt said. The dam broke and tears streamed down his face.

Blaine pulled him into his arms, whispering comforting words in his ear. Kurt’s knees buckled and Blaine lifted him easily into his arms. He sat in a chair at the table, settling Kurt on his lap. Kurt pulled his legs up to his chest, curling into Blaine’s torso as he buried his face in the crook of Blaine’s neck. Blaine felt hot tears fall on his skin along with the warmth of Kurt’s breath. He looked up to see Cooper watching them with a strange look on his face. Blaine turned his attention back to Kurt, cupping the back of his head in one hand as he pressed a kiss to his chestnut hair.

Observing his brother and his fiancé, Cooper was again struck by how Blaine knew exactly how to comfort Kurt. He knew exactly what he needed and gave it to Kurt without him having to ask. Cooper was proud of his brother and the man he had become. His only regret was he had not been there to see it. Cooper walked over to the couple, sitting next to them he began to rub Kurt’s back in a soothing manner. Kurt stiffened at first but then relaxed. It took a while, but his tears finally subsided and he slightly pulled away from Blaine.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t apologize,” Cooper said in unison with his brother. They shared a grin but Cooper quickly sobered as Kurt’s sleeve slipped up as he wiped at his tear-streaking face. He couldn’t help but stare at the multitude of scars marring Kurt’s wrist. Kurt noticed his gaze and quickly pulled his sleeve down, blushing furiously as he averted his eyes. Cooper recovered quickly, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’ve been through-”

“I was bullied,” Kurt said suddenly, surprising both Andersons.

“Kurt, you don’t have to-” Blaine began.

“I know, but if I don’t start telling my story I can’t help other kids who are _still_ suffering,” Kurt interrupted. He continued, “I’ve been bullied my entire life, but it got even worse when I began high school. And after I came out. . . . Every day I was tortured, and one day I finally broke. . . . After I started self-injuring, I couldn’t stop. I’ve been trying for two years and I still can’t stop.”

“But you will,” Blaine said in his most reassuring voice, and Cooper could tell he truly believed it. “You _will_ get better. You’ve come so far already, baby. You can’t just give up.”

Kurt nodded, but didn’t reply. He didn’t have the heart to tell Blaine he had already given up.

**K/B**

Sunday September 16, 2012

Kurt was no longer himself. He had found the mask he used in high school and slipped it firmly back into place. Finn and Rachel didn’t notice anything, though both were sincerely worried after Kurt’s latest relapse. Kurt always assured them he was fine with a false smile before subtly changing the subject. And if Blaine noticed anything, he said nothing to Kurt.

But Blaine did notice. He had kept a close eye on Kurt over the past two days. Thankfully, he was good at hiding it and no one noticed anything, not even Cooper who had spent almost the entirety of the past forty-eight hours with his brother before he returned to Los Angeles. But now Cooper was gone and Blaine could focus his attention on Kurt one hundred percent. Blaine was determined he would discuss his change in demeanor with Kurt soon, but for now he was sitting on their bed pouring over his music theory textbook.

Kurt was tired of hurting. He just wanted to forget for a little while. But he couldn’t hurt himself, not when he hadn’t even gotten his stitches removed yet. Kurt just wanted to focus on something else, anything else, just for a little while. He smiled when he exited the bathroom and walked into the bedroom to find Blaine on the bed. Kurt climbed up behind him, sliding his arms around Blaine’s waist as he pressed kisses to his fiancé’s neck.

“Kurt, I’m trying to study,” Blaine protested.

“You’ve been studying for four hours,” Kurt pulled back to reply. He reattached his mouth to Blaine’s throat, sucking hard on his pulse point.

“Kurt, I’m serious,” Blaine said, trying hard to ignore the feeling of Kurt’s mouth on his neck.

“Come on, Blaine, take a break,” Kurt said persuasively. He slipped his hands under Blaine’s shirt, sliding his hands up Blaine’s chest.

“Kurt, stop. What’s going on?” Blaine demanded, turning to face his lover. “You’ve been distant the past few days and now you want to have sex? I’ve been patient with you but you keep pulling away. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong and I’m not going to let you distract me with sex when we _need_ to talk about this.”

“I’m not trying to distract you,” Kurt said.

“Please, just talk to me!” Blaine pleaded.

“There’s nothing to talk about! I’m _fine!”_ Kurt exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

“Bullshit! Something is wrong here, Kurt, you just don’t want to admit it. Dammit, I can’t sit here and watch you go through this again! You were supposed to get better, not worse!”

Kurt gaped at him. Blaine immediately realized his mistake. He had pushed Kurt too far. Kurt had heard similar sentiments from his stepbrother about his recovery progress, but never from Blaine. His eyes brimmed with tears. Kurt shook his head before fleeing the room.

“Kurt, wait!” Blaine called after him but it was too late. Kurt was gone.

Blaine sighed. He had really stepped in it this time. He knew he had to apologize but as usual, he wasn’t good with words. Blaine wracked his brain. An idea came to him quickly and Blaine descended the stairs. He peered into the living room, not surprised to find Kurt standing by the window looking out. Kurt loved the view of the city from their apartment.

Satisfied that Kurt couldn’t see him, Blaine backtracked and entered the library from the galley. He strode across the room to the piano. Blaine sat on the bench, hoping Kurt would know he meant every word he was about to sing. Blaine lifted his hands over the keys and began to play.

_Can you forgive me again?_

_I don't know what I said;_

_But I didn't mean to hurt you._

_I heard the words come out._

_I felt that I would die._

_It hurt so much to hurt you._

Blaine couldn’t believe how stupid he had been. He knew Kurt wasn’t ready for this conversation but he pushed him anyway. It was entirely Blaine’s fault; he was the one to blame. And now, because of his stupidity, Kurt was hurting. Because of him, Kurt was in pain.

_Then you look at me._

_You're not shouting anymore._

_You're silently broken._

_I'd give anything now_

_To kill those words for you._

The hurt that had flashed across Kurt’s face haunted Blaine. He was the cause of that pain. Blaine had regretted the words the second they left his mouth. And Kurt hadn’t said anything; no, he didn’t speak a word. He ran.

_Each time I say something I regret,_

_I cry, "I don't want to lose you."_

_But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah._

_'Cause you were made for me._

_Somehow, I'll make you see_

_How happy you make me, oh._

Movement from the living room doorway caught Blaine’s eye. Looking up, he saw Kurt standing there, his arms hanging limp at his sides. His eyes were red and tear tracks stained his cheeks. Blaine was the cause of those tears. He had hurt the love of his life, the man that he was going to build a future with, the man that made him whole.

_I can't live this life_

_Without you by my side._

_I need you to survive._

_So stay with me._

_You look in my eyes_

_And I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry._

Kurt stepped into the room. He knew Blaine was truly sorry. He could see it in his face. Kurt’s own pain was reflected in Blaine’s eyes, hurting because he had brought Kurt pain. Kurt took the few steps remaining between them and lowered himself on the piano bench.

_And you forgive me again._

_You're my one true friend._

_And I never meant to hurt you._

“That was beautiful,” Kurt said softly as Blaine let his hands fall from the piano keys. Blaine took both of Kurt’s hands in his, rubbing his thumb over the smooth skin.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt. I didn’t mean what I said,” Blaine began to apologize.

“No, stop,” Kurt interrupted. “You were right. I’m _not_ getting better. I relapsed . . . _badly_. There’s no pretending that it didn’t happen. . . . I know this is hard for you. I ask so much of you. And, Blaine, if this is too much for you-”

"I’m never leaving you,” Blaine said quickly. “Never.”

Kurt smiled a watery smile, tilting his head down to brush his lips against Blaine’s. When they broke apart, Blaine pulled on Kurt’s hand. They made their way back up the stairs to their bedroom. Kurt fell back onto the mattress, pulling Blaine down on top of him.

“Please,” Kurt said softly. “I just want to forget for a while.”

Blaine nodded. He divested them of their clothes before lowering his body so he was pressed flush against Kurt. Kurt moaned at the feel of skin on skin. He pushed all of his worries out of his mind, focusing on the here and now, focusing on Blaine. Blaine slowly worked him open, and then he was sliding inside Kurt. They were as close as two persons could be. Kurt’s mouth sought Blaine’s and as their tongues snaked together Blaine began to move. Kurt lost himself in their lovemaking. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them. And then they were coming together, wave after wave of pleasure crashing over them. Blaine collapsed beside Kurt, breathing heavily. Kurt immediately curled into his side, resting his head over Blaine’s heart.

“We’ll get through this,” Blaine said after a while.

“I know,” Kurt replied, though he _didn’t_ know. But he couldn’t tell Blaine that. Not now, not ever.

“I love you,” Blaine told him, carding his hand through Kurt’s chestnut hair.

“I know that too,” Kurt said with a sleepy smile.

“Forever,” Blaine promised.

“Always,” Kurt answered as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of a future that seemed so far out of reach.


	8. Chapter 7:  Staying Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finals are over, thank the Lord. Weekly updates will continue with the exception of next week as I’m going on vacation with my family after Christmas. But after that I will update regularly. I am going to move updates to Saturday night as I will not be updating WMAP weekly anymore (if you read that fic I will post more on that later). I hope this chapter tides you over until the New Year. I’m foreseeing a horrible Friday and Saturday and reviews would be much appreciated! They would certainly brighten my weekend! And with that Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Duck and Run” belongs to 3 Doors Down. “Talk” belongs to Coldplay.

Chapter Seven:  Staying Strong

Tuesday September 18, 2012

Kurt was having a horrible day. First off, Cassandra July had spent half the class period insulting him and Rachel, though as usual he received most of the criticism. Then, he had bombed his second ever off-Broadway audition. This time, he hadn’t even been allowed to finish. The director had cut him off halfway through the song and informed him they were ‘going in another direction.’

He took his time walking home, slipping into the entrance to Gramercy Park. Kurt longed to hurt himself, but he knew Blaine would be home and it would be impossible. Hoping that it would help him to cope, Kurt began to sing.

_To this world I am unimportant,_

_Just because I have nothing to give._

_So you call this your free country._

_Tell me why it costs so much to live?_

_Tell me why._

Kurt began to jog, ignoring the looks he got from passersby as he continued to sing. Why did they even care? He wasn’t anyone important. He was just plain old Kurt Hummel, a man with big dreams that were destined to fall through. All his life Kurt had been told to follow his dreams, but no one had ever told him what that path would cost him.

_This world can turn me down,_

_But I won't turn away, oh no._

_I won't turn around._

Blaine drifted to the forefront of Kurt’s mind. He knew exactly what Blaine would say, ‘You can’t give up, Kurt. You’ve got to keep trying.’ But Kurt didn’t know if trying was worth the pain. Kurt pushed himself harder, breaking into a run.

_All my work and endless measures,_

_Never seem to get me very far._

_Walk a mile just to move an inch now,_

_Even though I'm trying so damn hard._

_I'm trying so hard._

Even though he had spent hours preparing for both auditions, Kurt had been turned away without a single role in either musical. All of his efforts had been wasted. If he tried harder next time, if he spent weeks practicing, would he then be successful? Or would the end result be the same? What if it wasn’t the effort he put in but himself in general that brought about his failure?

_This world can turn me down,_

_But I won't turn away._

_And I won't duck and run._

_Cause I'm not built that way._

_When everything is gone,_

_There is nothing left to fear._

_The world cannot bring me down._

_No, cause I am already here, oh no!_

Running through the park, Kurt caught sight of a mother having a tea party with her son. A lump formed in Kurt’s throat and he pushed himself even further, running away from the scene as fast as his legs would carry him. Kurt’s mother used to have tea parties with him. What would she say if she saw her son now? Would she be ashamed of the person he had become? Kurt couldn’t blame her. He deserved it. Hell, he was ashamed of himself, regardless of Blaine’s attempts to rid him of his shame.

_I am already here,_

_Down on my knees._

_I am already here._

_Oh, no, I am already here._

_I must have told you a thousand times I am not running away._

_I won't duck and run._

_I won't duck and run._

_I won't duck and run._

_No, I pass away._

As he reached the exit of the park, Kurt slowed to a jog. He wasn’t yet ready to return home but he knew Blaine would be worried if he didn’t. Kurt had already stalled long enough, having stopped on the way home for a quick salad. He knew he wouldn’t be able to endure the dinner table with Finn and Rachel’s sympathetic looks while Blaine watched him worriedly. He got that enough without adding the events of the day.

_This world can turn me down._

_But I won't turn away._

_And I won't duck and run._

_‘Cause I'm not built that way._

_When everything is gone,_

_There is nothing left to fear._

_The world cannot bring me down._

_No, ‘cause I am already here._

Kurt’s lungs burned as he walked through the lobby and stepped into the elevator. The elevator ascended too quickly for Kurt’s liking. He paused outside the door to the ground floor of the penthouse, steeling himself for the probing questions he was soon to endure.

_This world can turn me down._

_But I won't turn away._

_And I won't duck and run._

_‘Cause I'm not built that way._

_When everything is gone,_

_There is nothing left to fear._

_The world cannot bring me down._

_No, ‘cause I am already here!_

Drawing in a deep breath, Kurt unlocked the door. He heard voices from the kitchen and headed that way. Finn and Rachel were cleaning up from dinner; Blaine was nowhere in sight.

“Hey, Kurt!” Rachel said brightly when she saw him. “How was your audition?”

“I didn’t get the part. But I’m okay,” he added quickly before she could ask. “Where’s Blaine?”

“I think he said he was getting a bath,” Finn answered. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Positive, Finn. I’m going to bed early. Goodnight.” Kurt slipped out of the room before they could utter another word. He hurried up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Kurt dropped his messenger bag on the floor on his way to the bathroom. Blaine was in the bathtub, leaning against the back wall. He looked up when Kurt entered the room.

“You’re home late,” Blaine remarked as Kurt pulled his shirt over his head.

“I went for a run,” Kurt told him as he stripped off his skinny jeans and briefs. He stepped into the tub, sinking into the water. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt’s torso, tugging him backward so he was leaning against him. Kurt sighed happily. Blaine ducked his head, trailing kisses across Kurt’s shoulder and up his neck. Kurt groaned. Even as he tilted his head to give Blaine better access he said, “You better not leave another mark. I’ve gotten enough trouble already for the one you left yesterday.”

“What do you mean?” Blaine asked, pulling away with a frown. He brushed his thumb over the hickey he had left on the left side of Kurt’s neck during their lovemaking the night before.

“Cassie noticed it during class today and asked how much I paid you to agree to marry me,” Kurt said dismally.

“You need to complain to someone, Kurt. She can’t just get away with saying things like that,” Blaine said angrily. He wouldn’t stand for anyone to talk to Kurt that way.

“It wouldn’t do any good,” Kurt said as he began to wash up, signaling the end of the conversation.

Blaine sighed unhappily but didn’t push the issue. Instead he asked, “How did your audition go?”

“Don’t ask,” Kurt replied. He twisted around in the tub so he was facing Blaine and tenderly washed the stress of the day away from his fiancé.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said sympathetically. “It’s their loss.”

Kurt didn’t reply. He rinsed the suds off of their bodies before climbing out of the tub. Blaine dried them both off. After they both slipped into a pair of briefs and pajama pants, Blaine guided Kurt to their bed and gently pushed him down so he was lying on his stomach. Before he could ask any questions, Blaine was straddling Kurt’s body, a bottle of lotion in one hand. He warmed the lotion in his hands before moving them over Kurt’s back, kneading the tight muscles. Kurt moaned in pleasure, allowing his body to sink further into the mattress as Blaine worked. Before long Kurt was fast asleep but Blaine continued to work the knots out of his muscles until he heard a soft knock from the open door.

“How is he?” Rachel asked as she stepped into the room.

“Somehow he manages to still be tense even when he’s asleep,” Blaine said. He gently rolled Kurt over onto his back before lifting him into his arms.

“Here, let me,” Rachel said, pulling back the covers so Blaine could lay Kurt down.

“Thanks,” Blaine said, pulling the comforter back up over his sleeping fiancé. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips before following Rachel out of the room. They joined Finn in the living room.

“I’m worried about him,” Rachel admitted.

“I am too,” Blaine said with a sigh. “But I can’t make him talk if he’s not willing.”

“We’re all worried about him,” Finn said. “Burt’s still calling me every day to check up on him because he can’t get any straight answers out of Kurt.”

“He needs to talk to _someone_ ,” Rachel said in exasperation. “Have you talked to him about seeing a therapist again?”

“Burt tried but Kurt refuses,” Blaine answered. “He’s still taking his antidepressant but it’s obviously not helping.”

“So what do we do?” Finn asked.

“I don’t know, Finn. I don’t know.”

They dissolved into silence. Finn was clearly contemplating asking a question but wasn’t sure how it would be received. Finally, Blaine had had enough.

“What is it, Finn?” he asked.

“Has he,” Finn paused before trying again, “Has Kurt . . . he hasn’t hurt himself again, has he?”

“No, he hasn’t,” Blaine answered with complete surety.

“Are you sure? I mean, he could be hiding it from you,” Finn said awkwardly. He didn’t want to sound like he was second guessing Blaine, but he knew Kurt had hidden his self-injurious behavior from everyone before, including Blaine.

“I’m positive,” Blaine replied, trying to keep his temper in line. If anyone would know if Kurt was hurting himself, it would be him.

“But how do you know?” Finn pressed on.

“I’m sleeping with him, Finn!” Blaine finally exclaimed, knowing if he didn’t spell it out Finn would never understand.

“Oh, right,” Finn said, pointedly avoiding Blaine’s gaze. He already knew far too much about his stepbrother’s sex life and didn’t wish to learn any more.

“Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re worried about him. We all are. But as we’ve already established, if Kurt doesn’t want us to help him there’s nothing we can do about it except be there for him when he’s ready to accept assistance. This _kills_ me, but I’m helpless to do anything else,” Blaine said, fighting back his own tears. Rachel laid a comforting hand on his knee. Blaine smiled weakly at her before laying his own hand over hers and placing it on the couch. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

Blaine climbed the stairs to the master suite, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart breaking. He hated how powerless he felt. Walking into the bedroom, Blaine smiled to see Kurt still sleeping. He always looked so peaceful as he slept. Blaine slipped into bed beside him, chuckling as Kurt immediately curled into his side, sensing his presence even in his sleep. Berlioz jumped up onto the bed, cuddling up to Blaine’s other side. He stroked the kitten’s soft fur several times before fully relaxing back into the mattress. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple before allowing himself to fall into a deep sleep.

**K/B**

Thursday September 20, 2012

Kurt knew Blaine would be disappointed if he saw him now. He was standing in a stall in the boy’s bathroom outside his dance class, staring down at the scars that already marred his flesh. A razorblade was clasped in his right hand, poised over his skin, ready to make more marks. The worst part was Kurt didn’t feel the least bit guilty as he pressed the edge of the blade into his stomach. His emotions bled out as Kurt lowered the blade to his skin again and again. He was careful to keep the cuts shallow, but as the feelings had changed he resorted to making more cuts than he usually would.

Drawing in a deep breath in relief, Kurt quickly bandaged his wounds before changing into his workout clothes. He focused on the sting of his fresh wounds as he entered the dance room. As long as he kept the pain in the forefront of his mind, Cassandra July couldn’t touch him.

“You’ll have to lose at least twenty pounds if you want to achieve anything,” Cassie criticized as she observed Kurt’s dancing.

Kurt looked down at himself. He could stand to lose a few pounds. Surprised that he actually agreed with Cassie, Kurt realized her comment hadn’t hurt. His experiment had proved true. By hurting himself before class, Kurt made himself strong enough to withstand any comments sent his way. Now he just had to keep the truth from Blaine.

**K/B**

Friday October 5, 2012

Blaine was increasingly worried about his fiancé. Kurt was growing more and more distant from everyone in his life. Not only was he having trouble sleeping, with Blaine waking him from nightmares almost every night, but he was losing weight. Despite Blaine’s insistence that Kurt was far from overweight, he had begun a strict diet. He cut his portions in half and most mornings he skipped breakfast all together. He had also taken up running in Gramercy Park every evening and using the equipment in the exercise room in his free time.

Kurt continued to hurt himself before each dance class. Cassie July’s comments rolled right off of him which only encouraged his self-injurious behavior. Fall was settling into New England which made it easier to hide his body away from Blaine. He knew Blaine would be disgusted if he saw his body, fat and mutilated by his own hand. Kurt took to wearing long-sleeves to bed, claiming to do so to combat the cold weather. Kurt also refused sex, which Blaine blamed on his depression. He knew depression could lead to a decrease in sex drive and didn’t push the issue. He missed the closeness they shared when they made love, but he would never force Kurt to do anything. Things were only getting worse, and Blaine knew he had to do something.

“We need to talk,” Blaine said one night when Kurt entered their bedroom, fresh out of the shower. That was the other thing; Kurt constantly hid his body away from Blaine. They no longer bathed together and Kurt wouldn’t even change in front of him. Blaine was worried that he had been hurting himself but he trusted Kurt to come to him if he did. No, surely this was a result of Kurt’s low self-esteem.

“About what?” Kurt asked, trying to hide his worry. Had Blaine seen his new scars or fresh wounds?

“I’m worried about you. You’re pulling away from me. You won’t talk to me. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Blaine asked.

“Nothing’s going on,” Kurt said.

“Don’t lie to me, Kurt. I just want to talk to you.” Blaine got up on his knees.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Kurt insisted.

Blaine reached out for Kurt’s hand, pulling him towards him. Kurt sat on the edge of the bed. Blaine drew in a deep breath as he began to sing.

_Oh, brother I can't, I can't get through._

_I've been trying hard to reach you ‘cause I don't know what to do._

_Oh, brother I can't believe it's true._

_I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you._

_Oh, I wanna talk to you._

_You can take a picture of something you see._

_In the future where will I be?_

_You can climb a ladder up to the sun._

_Or write a song nobody has sung._

_Or do something that's never been done._

Blaine was terrified. He had never been so scared in his life, except for when he had found Kurt unconscious on the floor surrounded by his own blood. He felt completely hopeless and didn’t know what to do. Kurt was so far out of his reach. All Blaine wanted was for him to talk, but he refused. How could things ever get better if he refused to talk?

_Are you lost or incomplete?_

_Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?_

_Tell me how you feel._

_Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak._

_And they're talking it to me._

Kurt was lost inside his own head. He felt the only thing keeping him sane was hurting himself. His entire being had shattered and try as he might, he couldn’t put the puzzle back together again. So Kurt stopped trying. He was tired of being disappointed and he knew if he kept on it would only get worse. So he disappeared further into himself, protecting himself from the inevitable pain.

_So you take a picture of something you see._

_In the future where will I be?_

_You can climb a ladder up to the sun._

_Or a write a song nobody has sung._

_Or do something that's never been done._

_Do something that's never been done._

Blaine didn’t know what was going to happen. He wanted Kurt to get better but he didn’t know how to help him. If only Kurt would _talk_ to him. But he wouldn’t. And Blaine didn’t know what to do.

_So you don't know where you're going, and you wanna talk._

_And you feel like you're going where you've been before._

_You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored._

_Nothing's really making any sense at all._

_Let's talk, let's talk._

_Let's talk, let's talk._

They were right back at the beginning. Kurt was getting worse, but he didn’t see it. He thought he was better. Cassie’s comments no longer hurt him and he finally felt like he had some control over his life through dieting and exercise. Kurt didn’t feel like anything made sense in his life, except for his self-destructive behavior.

“I don’t know what to do,” Blaine admitted.

“There’s nothing to do,” Kurt replied. “I’m fine.” He brushed his lips against Blaine’s cheek before disappearing down the stairs. He walked into the kitchen and began pulling milk, flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla and chocolate chips out of the refrigerator and cabinets. Baking had always provided him a little comfort, even if he wouldn’t eat the cookies as they were fattening. He knew Finn would probably eat the entire batch before tomorrow.

Kurt focused on baking, able to forget his problems as he mixed together the ingredients. Unfortunately, the cookies didn’t take long to cook. Kurt pulled the cookies out of the oven, setting them on a hot pad. He used a spatula to transfer the cookies from the cookie sheet to the cooling rack.

“Ouch!” Kurt cried out when his forearm brushed against the cookie sheet. The pain saturated his brain, offering relief he hadn’t known he needed.

Kurt pressed his arm against the pan once more, keeping it there longer this time. When he pulled it away, he inspected the burn. The skin was bright red. Kurt didn’t bother to run cold water over it, instead choosing one of the cookies and taking a bite. He froze as he chewed the last bite of his second cookie, realizing what he had done. Kurt ran down the hall to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet, he stuck his fingers all the way to the back of his throat. He emptied the contents of his stomach, surprised at how much better he felt now that his stomach was empty. Kurt knew instantly he had found two more ways to control his anxiety. Oddly enough, the thought didn’t scare him. It relieved him. He could get through this as long as he could stay strong. As long as he could hurt himself, he could stay strong.


	9. Chapter 8:  The Devil Draws Near

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am back from vacation! The semester starts next week and as I was insane enough to take three English classes and a foreign language I don’t know how much time I will have to write. I have one and a half chapters written as of now so hopefully I will be able to stay ahead of when I post. If that changes I will let you know. Good luck to everyone in the spring semester!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Run Daddy Run” belongs to the Pistol Annies.

Chapter Eight:  The Devil Draws Near

Saturday October 20, 2012

Kurt had just sat down at the kitchen table with his morning cup of coffee when he received the phone call. Blaine watched him curiously; his worry growing as Kurt’s breathing grew labored. Whoever was on the line, the news they were delivering was anything but good. Blaine took the phone from Kurt, glancing at it he saw Carole’s name on the screen. He immediately handed the phone off to Finn, who disappeared into his bedroom. Blaine focused his attention on Kurt.

“Kurt, just breathe, okay? Just breathe,” Blaine said soothingly.

Tears streamed down his face as Kurt continued to fight for each breath. Blaine lifted Kurt onto his lap, tucking his head under his chin with Kurt’s ear resting against his chest so he could listen to his heartbeat. Kurt’s entire body was wracked with tremors and Blaine held him tighter, at a loss as to how to comfort him when he didn’t know what was wrong.

“Where’s his medication?” Rachel asked, startling Blaine. He had forgotten she was in the room.

“In the medicine cabinet in our bathroom,” Blaine said. He had barely gotten his answer out before Rachel was racing down the hallway to the staircase.

“Calm down, baby. Everything’s going to be okay,” Blaine tried to comfort his fiancé.

Kurt’s fingers clawed at the thin cotton of Blaine’s shirt. He whimpered, “Daddy.”

Blaine knew instantly whatever was wrong had something to do with Burt, but Kurt was in no fit state to tell him what exactly was going on. He would have to wait for Finn to return. Thankfully, Rachel reappeared with Kurt’s anxiety medication. She opened the bottle, giving Blaine one small white pill. Blaine pressed the pill to Kurt’s lips, waiting until they parted to place it on his tongue. He lifted a glass of water to his mouth, holding it while Kurt gulped it down. Kurt was just calming down when Finn entered the room, Kurt’s phone clutched in one hand. He placed the phone on the table before collapsing into one of the chairs.

“What’s wrong?” Rachel asked, taking Finn’s hand in hers.

“That was Mom. Burt’s in the hospital,” Finn said.

“What happened?” Blaine demanded. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around his fiancé.

“He was complaining of chest pains,” Finn answered. “Mom’s still waiting to hear from the doctor. She hasn’t seen Burt since they got to the hospital.”

“We have to go,” Kurt said, getting to his feet. “We need to pack and get plane tickets.”

“Baby, calm down,” Blaine said, reaching for Kurt’s hand. “Just relax or you’ll have another anxiety attack. I’ll buy the tickets while you and Rachel pack.”

“Okay,” Kurt said softly.

Rachel disappeared into her bedroom with Finn while Kurt hurried up the stairs to the master suite, wrenching up his sleeve as he went. Going into the bathroom, Kurt pulled one of his razorblades out from its hiding spot. Without a second of hesitation, Kurt pushed the sharp edge of the blade into his wrist. He sliced into his flesh again and again until he finally felt relief wash over him. Then he cleaned and dressed the wounds. Kurt slipped the blade into his pocket, along with spare bandages, just in case he needed them on the trip. There was no way Blaine wouldn’t notice if he took his messenger bag with him everywhere.

When Blaine entered their bedroom, he was surprised to see Kurt sitting on a large suitcase. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he fought to zip the suitcase closed. Blaine hurried to his side, sitting beside the suitcase and pulling Kurt into his lap.

“What’s wrong?” Blaine asked.

“It won’t zip! I can’t get it to zip and I can’t fit everything in only four suitcases and-”

“Okay, calm down, baby. First off:  four suitcases? We don’t know how long we’re going to be gone,” Blaine pointed out.

“Exactly! We could be gone for months!” Kurt exclaimed, sliding off of Blaine’s lap to continue his battle with the suitcase.

“Kurt, everything is going to be fine. But we can’t possibly take four suitcases on the plane. Come on, I’ll help you narrow it down to two,” Blaine said, opening the suitcase Kurt had been struggling with. With Blaine’s help and persuasions, Kurt managed to weed through his clothes and accessories so they would fit in two suitcases, with barely enough room for Blaine’s things.

Two hours later, the foursome was sitting on the plane, waiting for takeoff. Kurt was extremely anxious, despite the fact he had already cut himself once that day. His empty stomach churned as the plane raced down the runway. Kurt clasped a hand over his mouth, fighting back the need to vomit. Blaine noticed and immediately thrust an airsick back into Kurt’s free hand. Kurt barely had time to move the bag to his mouth before he vomited. Blaine rubbed his back until he was finished.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked.

“Fine,” Kurt answered in a raspy voice. The seatbelt light turned off and Kurt stood up. He opened the overhead compartment and dug through his messenger bag until he found the toothbrush and toothpaste he had packed away. “I’ll be right back.”

Kurt disappeared into one of the bathroom stalls. He locked the door behind him before turning to the sink. He brushed his teeth carefully. When he was done, Kurt laid his toothbrush and toothpaste on the sink. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his razorblade. A single tear fell down his cheek. Kurt drew in a deep breath as he began to sing.

_Daddy, can you hear the devil drawing near?_

_Like a bullet from a gun, run, Daddy, run._

_All the songs you used to sing to me_

_Would rock birds to sleep._

_I need you now so please somehow_

_Put rockets on your feet._

_Oh, oh, oh, oh._

Kurt pulled up the sleeve of his right arm. Grasping the blade in his left hand, he brought it down to his wrist. A thin red line was left from the path of the blade. Kurt cut again and again until there were eight fresh cuts on his right wrist.

_Daddy, can you hear the devil drawing near?_

_Like a bullet from a gun, run, Daddy, run._

_Saw that dark cloud coming from a million miles away._

_Oh, how I’ve dreaded this god forsaken day._

Kurt couldn’t bring himself to think about Blaine. What would he say if he saw him now? Kurt knew he would drag him to his therapist the second the plane touched down. But Kurt didn’t want to talk, not to anyone. Talking didn’t help him. Not anymore.

_Daddy, can you hear the devil drawing near?_

_Like a bullet from a gun, run, Daddy, run._

_Mama’s been crying in the kitchen._

_Sister’s been afraid of the dark._

_I’ve been gathering the pieces of all these shattered hearts._

_And I don’t care where you go to._

_And I don’t care where you land._

_But just get out of there, Daddy, as fast as you can._

_Oh, oh, oh, oh._

Knowing someone would come looking for him if he didn’t hurry, Kurt bandaged his wounds. Now he had bandages on both of his wrists. Kurt made sure the white from the gauze was hidden before turning on the faucet and washing the blood down the sink.

_Daddy, can you hear the devil drawing near?_

_Like a bullet from a gun, run, Daddy, run._

_Run, Daddy, run._

_Run, Daddy, run._

_Run, Daddy, run._

_Run, Daddy, run._

After splashing his face with water, Kurt left the bathroom. Blaine watched him with a worried expression on his face as Kurt took his seat beside him.

“Feeling better?” Blaine asked.

“Yeah, just tired,” Kurt replied.

“Take a nap,” Blaine suggested, wrapping an arm around Kurt.

“I will,” Kurt said, laying his head on Blaine’s shoulder. He drifted off to sleep with his fiancé watching over him. Blaine had been staring at Kurt for several minutes when Rachel’s voice sounded from his other side, tearing his attention away from Kurt.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I don’t know, Rach. I’m so worried about him. What if this is his breaking point?” Blaine finally admitted the fear that had been growing since Kurt had received the call that morning.

“You don’t know that it’s going to be,” Rachel said softly. “We can’t give up on him.”

“I’m not giving up on him, not ever,” Blaine said sternly.

“I’m not either,” Rachel agreed. And they both knew, no matter what the cost, they would keep their promise.

**K/B**

The second they exited the airport, the foursome piled into the rental car Blaine had arranged for them. They drove straight to the hospital. Kurt chewed his lip the entire car ride. He didn’t speak a word as they walked through the hospital, searching for Burt’s room. Kurt reached the door to Burt’s room first and knocked on it once before hurrying inside.

“Daddy,” Kurt said in a broken voice, tears springing to his eyes at the sight of his father in a hospital bed.

“I’m okay, kiddo,” Burt said as way of greeting his son.

“You don’t look okay,” Kurt said. He tried to fight back off the tears before they spilled over but it was a lost cause.

“Come here,” Burt said, opening his arms.

Kurt was immediately by his side. He climbed onto the hospital bed beside his father, though the bed was hardly wide enough to accommodate two fully grown men. Regardless, Kurt made himself fit. He clung to his father, his face buried in his hospital gown as he breathed in the comforting scent that was purely Burt Hummel.

“I’m going to be fine, son,” Burt said, rubbing Kurt’s back. “The doctor said I have atrial fibrillation.”

“What does that mean?” Finn asked.

“It means your father is going to be on medication for a long time,” Carole said, “but he will be fine.”

“Enough about me,” Burt said. “As we’ve established, I’m fine. What about you kids? How’s New York?”

They spent the next hour talking about the goings on in the big city. Kurt slipped off of the hospital bed, stretching out his stiff limbs. His throat was dry and he was tired. He needed caffeine.

“I’m going to get some coffee. Does anyone else want some?” he asked.

“If you don’t mind, love,” Blaine answered.

“Of course not, baby,” Kurt said with a smile.

“I’ll come with you,” Rachel said, pushing herself out of the chair she had commandeered. Kurt nodded at the girl. He pressed a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips before following Rachel out of the room.

“How is he?” Burt asked the second Kurt was out of earshot.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Blaine said sorrowfully, collapsing into Rachel’s recently vacated chair. “He doesn’t talk to me anymore, not about things that matter. Kurt’s pulling further and further into himself and I don’t know what to do. I mean, it’s not the first time he’s been like this but he’s never done it to me. He hardly even lets me touch him anymore.”

“What do you mean? He just kissed you,” Finn asked.

Blaine blushed, pointedly looking away. He couldn’t believe this was happening in front of his fiancé’s father. Of course he had always been supportive of them, but that definitely didn’t mean he wanted to hear the details of their relationship.

“Blaine? What’s going on?” Burt asked slowly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

“That’s all we ever do,” Blaine said in a soft voice. His face was a furious red.

“What – _OH!”_ Finn said, finally comprehending. “You know, I’m going to go see if I can catch up with Kurt and Rachel.”

Finn ran out of the room. He definitely didn’t want to be there for that conversation or to see Burt maim his brother’s fiancé.

“Is that really so important?” Carole asked after a few minutes of silence.

“What? Of course not!” Blaine answered quickly.

“Blaine?” Burt asked. Blaine reluctantly raised his eyes to meet Burt’s. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to have this conversation with, but you’re my son too. If something’s bothering you I want you to be able to come to me, no matter what it’s about. I’ll be as unbiased as I possibly can.”

Blaine nodded. After a while, he said, “I just miss being that close to him. I miss him talking to me. I miss him. He doesn’t let me _hold_ _him_ anymore.”

“Have you tried talking to him?” Carole asked.

“All he ever says is he’s fine, that there’s nothing wrong when obviously something’s going on,” Blaine said.

“You need to make him talk to you, Blaine, or talk to someone. I know he keeps refusing to go to a therapist, but maybe while you are down here you can take him to see Dr. Madsen,” Burt suggested.

“I’ll try,” Blaine said. Before Burt could reply, Kurt, Finn, and Rachel had returned. Blaine put on his best cheerful smile as he took his coffee from Kurt. He even managed to sound convincing when he said, “Thanks, love.”

Kurt returned the smile before climbing back onto the bed beside his father. Burt exchanged a glance with Blaine before quickly returning his attention back to his son. They were both in agreement that something had to be done, but Blaine was at a loss as to what.

**K/B**

Later that night, Kurt and Blaine returned to the Hudmel home with Carole while Finn accompanied Rachel to visit her fathers. Kurt skipped dinner, going straight to bed. No amount of coaxing from Blaine could persuade Kurt to join him and Carole for supper. Eventually, Blaine gave up, knowing a lost cause when he saw one. He would make sure Kurt ate something in the morning. After a quick meal with Carole, Blaine joined Kurt in his old bedroom. He wasn’t surprised to see Kurt already curled up on his side, fast asleep. Blaine stripped off his shirt and jeans, pulling on a pair of pajama pants before sliding into bed behind Kurt. He spooned up against him, holding him close. This was the only time he was allowed to hold Kurt anymore, in his sleep, and he would take full of advantage of any chance to have his fiancé in his arms. Blaine buried his face in the back of Kurt’s neck, breathing in his scent as he fell asleep.

Kurt awoke a couple of hours later, stiffening when he felt Blaine’s arms around his waist. Truthfully, he missed Blaine. He missed the comfort he found in his arms, he missed loving him and being loved in return when they were intimate; but the risks were too high with both. It would be all too easy for Blaine to discover his self-injurious behavior. Knowing sleep would not return to him, Kurt slipped out of bed. Looking out the window into the front yard, he decided to go for a walk. He slipped out of the house, concentrating so hard on not awakening anyone that he forgot to grab a coat. He found a jacket of Finn’s in the backseat of the rental car and pulled it on.

Kurt took off down the street into the night, not knowing where he was going until Schoonover Park appeared before him. He made his way to the playground, sitting down on a swing. He grasped the chains in either hand, pushing off slightly. A half hour passed. A little drizzle began to sprinkle from the sky, soon turning into a pouring rain. Still Kurt sat, ignoring the feel of the freezing rain soaking through his body. He looked up when car lights shone through the darkness, illuminating the swing set. A dark figure jumped out of the car, running towards him.

“There you are!” Blaine exclaimed. “What were you thinking, disappearing like that? I was so worried.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt mumbled.

“You’re soaked through,” Blaine said as he reached the swing where Kurt sat. He pulled him to his feet and towards the car. “Come on, you’re going to get sick sitting out here.”

The ride home was silent. Blaine turned the heat on high with all the vents turned towards Kurt. He pulled into the Hudmel driveway, steering Kurt into the house and up the stairs. Blaine hurried Kurt into his bathroom, turning on the shower before Kurt could speak. Blaine began to peel off his own wet clothes, having gotten wet in the process of getting Kurt into the rental car.

“Get in the shower before you catch cold,” Blaine instructed.

Kurt froze, visibly stiffening. This didn’t pass Blaine’s notice. Kurt said hurriedly, “I’ll be fine. You go ahead and shower, I’ll wait.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Blaine said. He stepped towards Kurt but Kurt backed away from him. Blaine eyed him suspiciously, “Kurt?”

“I’ll shower when you’re done,” Kurt said in a shaky voice.

“Take off your shirt, Kurt,” Blaine said in a firm voice.

“Blaine-”

“Take. Off. Your. Shirt.”

Kurt blinked back tears, still not moving to remove his clothes. Blaine stepped towards him, reaching for the hem of Kurt’s shirt. Kurt attempted to fight him off but it was too late. Blaine pulled the shirt over Kurt’s head, gasping as his bare skin was exposed. Blaine stumbled backwards, bringing a trembling hand up to his mouth.

“Blaine,” Kurt began.

“T-take a shower,” Blaine interrupted. “I-I need to be alone.”

Without another word, Blaine exited the bathroom. The second he pulled the door closed behind him, he lost it. Hot tears poured down his cheeks and he fought for each breath. Blaine had known things were bad, but not this bad. Kurt had been slowly killing himself and Blaine hadn’t noticed. What kind of fiancé was he, to not notice Kurt suffering in silence? He had failed. Blaine collapsed on the bed, curling into a ball as his tears fell.


	10. Chapter 9:  Not Honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I left you with a bit of a cliffhanger so I won’t delay you with a long author’s note. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Internal Dialogue” belongs to Maria Mena. “This Time” belongs to 3 Doors Down.

Chapter Nine:  Not Honest

Saturday October 20, 2012

_Blaine pulled the shirt over Kurt’s head, gasping as his bare skin was exposed. Blaine stumbled backwards, bringing a trembling hand up to his mouth._

_“Blaine,” Kurt began._

_“T-take a shower,” Blaine interrupted. “I-I need to be alone.”_

_Without another word, Blaine exited the bathroom. The second the door closed behind him, he lost it. Hot tears poured down his cheeks and he fought for each breath. Blaine had known things were bad, but not this bad. Kurt had been slowly killing himself and Blaine hadn’t noticed. What kind of fiancé was he, to not notice Kurt suffering in silence? He had failed. Blaine pulled his robe on, tying it tightly around him. Then he collapsed on the bed, curling into a ball as his tears fell._

Blaine stayed that way until he heard the shower turn off. He sat up hastily, wiping at his tears. Blaine swung his legs off the side of the bed, staring at his hands. The bathroom door opened but still Blaine didn’t move his eyes from his hands.

“Blaine. . . .” Kurt said in a broken whisper. He didn’t know what to say, how to make things better. There was no way to make things better. Not now, not when things had gone this far.

“You lied,” Blaine said finally, keeping his eyes downcast. “I asked you again and again . . . and you lied. You kept lying.”

“Blaine-”

“How long,” Blaine asked, finally meeting Kurt’s gaze.

“Blaine, I’m sorry!”

“How long,” Blaine demanded, ignoring the apology.

“A month,” Kurt said softly, knowing he had no option but to answer.

Blaine drew in a shaky breath, ignoring his tears as they fell. He asked in a broken voice, “Why?”

Kurt slowly walked to Blaine’s side, sinking down next to him on the bed. Kurt longed to reach out for Blaine’s hand, but fear of rejection stopped him. Instead he gave Blaine what he wanted and answered, “Because no one can hurt me as bad as I can hurt myself.”

“Cassie?” Blaine asked knowingly.

“Partly,” Kurt replied.

Blaine turned to face him. “Let me see.”

Kurt bit his lip, wanting more than anything to say no, but he knew he couldn’t. Blaine didn’t deserve this. Kurt had put him through so much pain. The least he could do was give him what he asked for. Kurt got to his feet, untying his robe and letting the robe fall to the ground. Though he was hardly shy about being naked in front of his lover anymore, now Kurt felt overly exposed. He sat next to Blaine, fighting off the urge to cover himself. Blaine’s breath caught in his throat and he bit down hard on his bottom lip. Kurt reached up and removed his lip from in between his teeth, soothing it over with his thumb. Blaine grasped Kurt’s arm, careful to avoid his open wounds. He extended his arm and examined the damage Kurt had done to himself.

“Why did you keep this from me? Why did you lie?” Blaine asked as his eyes continued to sweep over Kurt’s skin.

“I couldn’t tell you,” Kurt said quietly.

Somehow knowing he wasn’t talking about his self-injury, Blaine asked, “Couldn’t tell me what?”

"That I gave up,” Kurt answered.

“You gave up,” Blaine repeated in disbelief.

“I’m sorry.”

“You should have told me.”

“I know.”

“You lied.”

“I know.”

“To me, to your father, to everyone,” Blaine continued. This time, Kurt didn’t reply. Guilt washed over him. Blaine didn’t speak either. Kurt slipped back into his robe, tying it tightly around him. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a long while.

“Please, say something,” Kurt pleaded after a while.

“You weren’t honest,” Blaine whispered. He raised his eyes to meet Kurt’s before he conveyed his emotions in the best way he knew how.

_It must have been hard, staying in line;_

_Knowing your influences did it all the time._

_It must have been strange, living in blue_

_And see me shut down as though_

_It was an easy thing to do._

_But you could tell where I had been_

_By the way I held my gun._

_Trying to write anything while being_

_Mocked by an offbeat drum._

_But I was not honest._

_I was not healthy._

_Yeah, I was not honest, honest._

Blaine could not believe how stupid he had been. How had he not noticed? Now, looking back, all the signs pointed to the truth. Kurt had been hurting himself for a month and successfully kept it from everyone. Blaine had failed in the most horrible way possible. He had failed when Kurt needed him the most.

_You did the right thing, covered your scars;_

_Challenged your faith_

_And closed your eyes driving cars._

_For all that they knew you were safe home_

_But you went through hell_

_Whenever you were left alone._

Kurt had taken such lengths to hide his self-injury. He pulled away from everyone that loved and cared about him. Kurt was careful to hide his body so no one would notice his wounds. Finn and Rachel were so used to Kurt hiding his scars behind long sleeves that they hadn’t noticed the difference. But Kurt never hid his body away from Blaine, not ever. Kurt had been suffering and Blaine hadn’t noticed.

_And you could see where I had been_

_From the pictures that they took._

_I tried to look positive at things,_

_Faced myself but didn't look._

_That was not honest._

_I was not healthy._

_I am not honest, honest._

Blaine hadn’t been completely blind. He knew something was wrong, but he never imagined things were this bad. Blaine trusted Kurt to come to him when he had an urge, but he hadn’t. Instead Kurt had given up and given in to his self-injury. And Blaine hadn’t seen it.

_I wish you could see yourself through my eyes._

_There's no need to cling to unnecessary lies._

_The voice in your head whose spirit you stole,_

_Left you for dead but you dug the hole._

Kurt was slowly killing himself, despite the fact that Kurt would never see that about his self-injury. It had kept him alive through all the bullying. Before he had met Blaine, when he was having suicidal thoughts, his self-injury was the only thing that kept him from acting. How could something that kept him alive be that bad? As hard as Blaine tried to make Kurt see the truth, he replaced it with his own.

_And I can tell where you had been_

_From the marks around your wrists._

_The red water washed around your sins_

_But are you as pure as this?_

_No, you are not honest._

_You are not healthy._

_You are not honest, honest._

_You are not honest._

_You are not healthy._

_You are not honest, honest._

Blaine dissolved into tears once again. This time Kurt didn’t hold back, instead pulling Blaine into his arms. Blaine curled into his side, burying his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck. Hot tears splashed against Kurt’s skin and he held his fiancé even closer. Several minutes passed before Blaine finally pulled himself away.

“I can’t believe how stupid I was. This is my fault,” he said in a broken voice.

“What! Blaine, no! I was the one who kept it from you,” Kurt exclaimed. He couldn’t believe Blaine was blaming himself.

“I should have seen. I should have noticed,” Blaine sobbed.

Kurt cupped Blaine’s face in his hands, kissing away his tears. When he pulled back there were tears in his eyes.

“This is my fault. This was all me. But I’ll get help, I promise. I’ll go to therapy. I’ll get better,” Kurt swore.

“Will you just hold me?” Blaine asked, causing Kurt’s heart to break further.

“Of course,” Kurt said. “Just let me get dressed.”

“No, no clothes,” Blaine protested. “I want to feel you, all of you.”

“Okay,” Kurt consented with a nod, knowing they both needed the comfort of their bare skin pressed together.

He stripped off his robe as Blaine slipped out of his boxers. Together, they climbed under the sheets. Kurt pulled Blaine back until his back was pressed against Kurt’s chest. He held him tightly, pressing kisses to his shoulder.

“I love you,” Blaine said in a whisper.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered, “so much.”

“Forever?”

_“Always.”_

**K/B**

Sunday October 21, 2012

Blaine awoke as the sun rose to feel Kurt thrashing behind him. Blaine spun around, shaking Kurt gently to wake him. He should have known Kurt’s nightmares would be worse with Burt in the hospital.

“Kurt, wake up!” Blaine said firmly.

Kurt’s eyes flew open. He didn’t even take time to comprehend his surroundings before he was scrambling out of bed and hurrying towards the bathroom. Knowing immediately what he was about to do, Blaine leapt out of bed after Kurt. He grabbed him around the waist just as Kurt reached the doorway to the bathroom, tugging him backwards away from the door. Kurt fought against him.

“Let me go!” he cried.

“No, I’m not going to let you hurt yourself,” Blaine said. Kurt continued to struggle but Blaine wasn’t letting go. He managed to lift Kurt off his feet and carried him back to bed. Blaine pulled Kurt onto his lap, holding him tightly so he couldn’t escape. He said as soothingly as possible, “Calm down; just calm down, baby.”

Gradually, Kurt stopped trying to fight him off. He relaxed against Blaine, succumbing to tears. Blaine’s heart broke to see his fiancé like this. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple as he rocked him.

“You left me!” Kurt sobbed against Blaine’s bare chest.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Blaine assured him, knowing Kurt was talking about his nightmare.

“It hurts. Please, just let me fix it,” Kurt begged.

“No,” Blaine said immediately. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself. You can get through this, Kurt. You’re not giving in this time. You’re strong. Don’t doubt yourself.”

Kurt continued to cry, hot tears splashing on Blaine’s skin. Blaine held him closer, rubbing his back comfortingly as he began to sing.

_Unsure of yourself,_

_You stand divided now._

_Which road will lead you there?_

_Last time, you fell and you hit hard._

_Your wounds have healed by now;_

_But you still see your scars, yeah._

Blaine had been so hopeful that things would be different in New York. He thought the change would be good for Kurt. No more bullies, no small-minded Midwestern town. They would be free to be themselves. And though those things were true, Kurt’s depression was still there.

_But it’s not the way it used to be, right now._

_You’ve come so far to just let this go, my friend_

_Don't go out_

_The same way you did the last time._

_You’ll break when you fall._

_Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over._

_You’ve got to believe in yourself, this time._

Blaine knew Kurt had given up but now that he was aware of that fact, he was going to help him find hope once more. Kurt had come so far before the move and now he was back where he started. But he was wiser than he had been as a junior in high school. Kurt had learned a lot over the past two years.

_Live on, live it up today._

_This life’s your cup._

_So drink it up, I say, yeah._

_Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now._

_And walk that line; don’t let this go, my friend._

_Don’t go out the_

Now it was up to Kurt to put that knowledge to good use. Blaine would help him get through this. He would find Kurt a new therapist. Blaine would take whatever lengths necessary to get Kurt the help that he needed.

_Same way you did the last time._

_You’ll break when you fall._

_Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over._

_You’ve got to believe in yourself this time,_

_This time._

_Life’s your cup; life’s your cup._

_Drink it up._

_Life’s your cup, yeah; life’s your cup, oh._

Kurt had made many mistakes over the past month, but Blaine would help him correct them. Kurt had to have hope above all else. If he didn’t believe in himself his chances of recovery lessened significantly.

_The same way you did the last time._

_You’ll break when you fall._

_Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over._

_You’ve got to believe in yourself this time._

_The same way you did the last time._

_You’ll break when you fall._

_Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over._

_You’ve got to believe in yourself this time._

The second Blaine was finished singing, Kurt’s lips were on his. They had barely kissed beyond a quick peck in the last month and now Kurt was ravishing his mouth as if he would never get another taste of Blaine. This kiss was not like their usual loving exchanges; this kiss was demanding and concupiscent. Blaine pulled away with a gasp, fighting for his breath. He gently pushed Kurt away when he attempted to follow him with his lips.

“Kurt, stop,” Blaine said breathlessly.

“I don’t want to,” Kurt protested, turning in Blaine’s lap so he was straddling him. “Please, make love to me.”

“I can’t, not after last night and your nightmare. I’d feel like I was taking advantage of you,” Blaine explained as Kurt’s face fell.

“But you won’t be,” Kurt assured him. “Please, I just feel so alone. Remind me that I’m not. Remind me that you’re still here.”

Blaine hesitated; Kurt saw this and moved closer to Blaine, kissing him slowly and tenderly. Blaine groaned, gently lowering Kurt to the bed. He knew this was what Kurt needed now. Kurt needed to know that he was loved unconditionally. Yes, Kurt had made mistakes the past month but Blaine forgave him and loved him still. He would always love Kurt, always.

**K/B**

The two lay curled together sometime later. Neither was in a hurry to move, though Kurt wanted to see his father. For now, he wanted to be able to forget the reason why they had returned to Lima. Loving Blaine had not only given him that but showed him he _was_ loved; he _was_ cared for; he _wasn’t_ alone. They stayed wrapped around each other until a knock sounded at the door.

“Kurt? Blaine? Are you awake?” Carole’s voice drifted through the closed door.

“Yeah, we’re up,” Kurt called out, lifting his head off of Blaine’s chest.

“Come downstairs for breakfast when you’re ready and then we’ll head to the hospital. Your dad called; he’s being released today,” Carole said.

“We’ll be down soon,” Kurt told her.

Carole’s footsteps drifted off down the hall. Kurt laid his head over Blaine’s heart. Blaine wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt.

“I love listening to your heartbeat,” Kurt said softly.

“It belongs to you,” Blaine said with a smile.

Kurt smiled. “And you have mine.”

“Forever.”

“And always.”

Blaine smiled softly, reaching up to run one hand through Kurt’s hair, stopping to cup the back of his head. Kurt returned the smile, lowering himself down until their lips met in a sweet, loving kiss. Their lips moved together lazily. Unlike their earlier kiss, this one was delicate and unhurried. They continued to kiss slowly until another knock sounded at the door. This time Finn’s voice called out.

“Are you done having sex yet? Come eat!”

“We’ve been done having sex but if you don’t leave we’ll start again,” Kurt said. To prove his point (despite the fact Finn couldn’t see them through the closed door) Kurt lowered his mouth to Blaine’s neck. He nipped at Blaine’s pulse point, sucking hard at the skin, eliciting a loud moan from Blaine.

“All right, I’m going; I’m going!”

Kurt didn’t pull away from Blaine’s throat even after Finn’s footsteps retreated. Blaine writhed underneath him, his arms snaking over his back to grip at Kurt’s shoulders. When Kurt finally pulled back, Blaine protested, trying to pull Kurt back down. Kurt’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of his fiancé lying beneath him.

“Oops,” Kurt said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a smirk.

“You didn’t.” Blaine’s eyes narrowed.

“It was an accident, honest!” Kurt said defensively.

Blaine sprang up from the bed. Running into Kurt’s bathroom he stopped in front of the mirror. Where Kurt’s mouth had previously been attached to his throat, a dark bruise had formed. Blaine whirled around when Kurt appeared behind him in the mirror, gaping at him.

“Your dad is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kurt said in amusement. “We’re living together, sharing the same bed. It’s not like Dad doesn’t know we’re having sex.”

“Just because he knows doesn’t mean he wants to think about it,” Blaine said, remembering the awkwardness during their conversation the day before. Yes, Burt had assured him he could come to him about anything but that didn’t make it any easier to do so.

“It’s not that noticeable. Maybe he won’t even see it,” Kurt lied.

“Are you kidding me? It looks like I lost a fight with a vacuum cleaner,” Blaine said. He rubbed gently at the dark bruise with his thumb.

“Come on,” Kurt said. “It’ll be okay; I promise. After all, with what I have to tell Dad he’ll forget about anything else.”

Blaine sighed heavily, turning to face his fiancé. He took Kurt’s hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over the back of his hands. He began, “Kurt.”

“Please, don’t. I know I have to tell him and it’s going to be hard no matter what you say,” Kurt said dismally. “Let’s just get dressed, eat, and get this over with.”

Blaine nodded, knowing Kurt was right; there was nothing for him to say. Instead he placed a chaste kiss to his lips before they parted to get ready for the difficult day ahead of them.

**K/B**

“When are they releasing you?” Kurt asked, climbing up onto the bed beside his father. He leaned his head on Burt’s shoulder. Burt clasped Kurt’s knee, resting his head against Kurt’s for a second before straightening back up to answer the question.

“Around eleven I think,” Burt replied.

Kurt nodded his head sleepily, yawning widely.

“You tired, kiddo?” Burt asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well,” Kurt answered honestly, knowing there was no way to avoid this conversation. Blaine would bring it up if he didn’t.

“Why not?” Burt questioned, a sinking feeling developing in his gut. Was he about to discover what was wrong with his son after months of worrying?

“Blaine and I got into . . . a discussion,” Kurt said awkwardly. He wouldn’t call what had happened a fight per se but he didn’t know what else to call it.

“A discussion?” Burt asked, shifting to look down at his son. Kurt reluctantly lifted his head from his father’s shoulder.

“I haven’t been telling the truth. I’ve been hiding something . . . from all of you,” Kurt said slowly.

“What’s going on, Kurt?” Burt asked worriedly.

“For the past month . . . I’ve been hurting myself,” Kurt admitted in a whisper.

“You’ve been hurting yourself for a month? Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me or Blaine or _anyone?”_  Burt pressed on.

“I couldn’t. I’m so sorry, Daddy,” Kurt said in a broken voice. He finally met Burt’s eyes and dissolved into tears at what he saw there. Disappointment reflected in Burt’s eyes. Kurt couldn’t take it. He slid off of the hospital bed, trying to block out the pain that was quickly overwhelming him. He said, “I’m sorry. I can’t . . . I just can’t.”

And before anyone could say another word, Kurt turned and ran out of the room.


	11. Chapter 10:  You Deserve the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sorry I didn’t update sooner. The first week of school was horrible. My mom broke her leg and I came down with a sinus infection. Between all of that I didn’t get this chapter finished. But now it is. Unfortunately it is unedited but I wanted to get it out to ya’ll even though I have class in ten minutes. I will edit it later if you want to wait until then to read it. Either way, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Let It Hurt” belongs to Rascal Flatts.

Chapter Ten:  You Deserve the World

Sunday October 21, 2012

_He finally met Burt’s eyes and dissolved into tears at what he saw there. Disappointment reflected in Burt’s eyes. Kurt couldn’t take it. He slid off of the hospital bed, trying to block out the pain that was quickly overwhelming him. He said, “I’m sorry. I can’t . . . I just can’t.”_

_And before anyone could say another word, Kurt turned and ran out of the room._

Blaine took off after Kurt without so much as a look at the others. His only thought was finding his fiancé before he inevitably broke down completely and possibly hurt himself. Blaine saw Kurt run into an empty hospital room and followed him.

“Oh, baby,” Blaine said as he entered the room.

Kurt had collapsed into a heap on the floor. His hands were gripping his hair, pulling at it as sobs tore from his throat. Blaine sat on the ground, wrapping Kurt up in his arms. Kurt whimpered.

“He hates me,” Kurt managed to speak through his tears.

“What! He doesn’t hate you! Your father would never hate you!” Blaine said in surprise.

“You didn’t see the way he looked at me. He’s so disappointed,” Kurt cried.

“Baby, he may be disappointed but that doesn’t mean he hates you,” Blaine said.

“This is why I didn’t tell anyone,” Kurt mumbled. “I knew you’d all hate me.”

“No one hates you, Kurt. I could never hate you. Nothing you do could ever make me hate you; even if you did some horrible thing, I will always love you,” Blaine said, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s hair.

“I don’t deserve you, any of you,” Kurt sniffled.

“You deserve the world, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel,” Blaine said earnestly. “And I know you’re hurting, but you can’t push it away. You have to feel or you’ll never get past it, Kurt, you know that. You have to let it hurt.”

“I don’t want to. It’s too much,” Kurt said. His breath quickened.

“Shush, just breathe, baby; just breathe,” Blaine said soothingly. He rocked Kurt slowly as he began to sing.

_7:42 in the morning,_

_8 seconds before it all sinks in._

_Put your best face on for the world._

_Fake another smile and just pretend._

_But you're just puttin' off the pain._

_Nothing's ever really gonna change._

Time and time again, Kurt had been reminded that by hiding behind a mask he only pushed the pain away to deal with another day; and he would have to deal with it one day. But Kurt was too used to running from his feelings. In the end he only prolonged his pain by putting it off.

_So let it hurt, let it bleed._

_Let it take you right down to your knees._

_Let it burn to the worst degree._

_May not be what you want, but it’s what you need._

_Sometimes the only way around it_

_Is to let love do its work._

_And let it hurt._

_Yeah, let it hurt._

Kurt knew he was only delaying the inevitable pain but that didn’t make it any easier to stop pretending he was okay. He had spent too many years doing just that and the saying was true:  old habits die hard; especially when he had started cutting in the first place to deal with the pain. Now whenever he felt pain he reached for the blade, which ultimately helped him run from the suffering once again.

_3:28 in the morning,_

_Countin' up the spaces between the rain._

_You're gettin' used to the rocks at the bottom._

_Your heart goes numb, but the lonely stays the same._

_And that's the price you're bound to pay._

_And there's really nothing anyone can say._

_Oh, there's only just one way._

For too long Kurt’s world had been devoid of colors. A dark cloud had descended over him and it seemed it was there to stay. The problem now was Kurt was used to it. He was used to the depression, so much so that if there was a rare day when he wasn’t feeling depressed he didn’t feel _right_. So the depression stayed the same; the loneliness stayed the same. The only way to move past both was to _feel_.

_So let it hurt, let it bleed._

_Let it take you right down to your knees._

_Let it burn to the worst degree._

_May not be what you want, but it's what you need._

_Sometimes the only way around it_

_Is to let love do its work._

_So go on._

_Yeah, let it hurt._

Kurt just wanted to be okay. Everything had fallen apart once again and he just wanted to glue it together. He wanted it to stay together and never break again. But even if he did manage to find a way to fix things, he wasn’t confident things would stay that way.

_You might just find you're better for it;_

_When you let go and you learn_

_To let it hurt, let it bleed._

_Let it take you right down to your knees._

_Oh . . ._

_Sometimes the only way around it_

_Is to let love do its work._

_So go on._

_And let it hurt._

_Oh, let it hurt._

_7:42 in the morning,_

_8 seconds before it all sinks in._

The song came to an end. Kurt didn’t move. Blaine finally pushed him back slightly, tilting his head up so he could see his face.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Kurt answered. He had stopped crying but unshed tears glistened in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Blaine. _I’m so sorry.”_

“I know, love. And we’re going to get you help. Now, let’s go see if your dad is ready to go,” Blaine said, standing up. He pulled Kurt to his feet, holding him close for a moment before leading him from the room.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said the instant he entered his father’s hospital room. He avoided Burt’s eyes, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take it if he saw disappointment there still.

“It’s okay, son. We’re going to get you help,” Burt promised.

Blaine sank into the chair beside Burt’s bed, pulling Kurt down onto his lap. Kurt cuddled up to his chest. Burt watched the two of them with a fond smile. Blaine craned his neck to press a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head.

“I see you two worked everything out with your ‘discussion,’” Burt said with a smirk, eyeing Blaine’s neck.

Blaine’s cheeks burned scarlet, clamping a hand over his neck to hide the hickey Kurt had left that morning. Kurt couldn’t stop himself from giggling. Blaine glared at him.

“I told you he’d notice,” Blaine grumbled.

“Of course I noticed; it looks like you lost a fight with a vacuum cleaner,” Burt chortled. Blaine shifted uncomfortably underneath Kurt. “Relax, son. I’m glad you two are okay.”

“You’re n-not going to k-kill me?” Blaine stammers.

“Of course not! You’re going to be my son-in-law, Blaine. And while most fathers would see this as giving their son away, I don’t. I’ve already gained another son. You take care of my son; you make him happy in a time when joy is rare for him. That’s all I could ever ask for, Blaine.”

A lump formed in Blaine’s throat. He was unable to answer. Instead he graced Burt with a watery smile, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt squeezed his hands where they were clasped over Kurt’s belly. Things weren’t okay; they were far from it. But Burt was going home; Kurt was going to attend therapy. Maybe, just maybe, things would get better sooner rather than later.

**K/B**

Monday October 22, 2012

Kurt shifted uncomfortably under the weight of Dr. Madsen’s gaze. He knew she was examining him closely, her keen eyes taking in the fat of his stomach, his ghastly pale complexion, and the sagging skin of his biceps. Kurt wished the sofa on which he saw ramrod straight would swallow him whole.

“It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, Kurt. How have you been?” Dr. Madsen asked.

“Fine,” Kurt answered automatically, habitually.

Dr. Madsen looked at him knowingly. Kurt fidgeted in his seat nervously. He wished she would stop peering at him over the top of her glasses.

“Do you really mean that or are you hoping that if you say it enough it will become true?” she finally asked.

Suddenly, Kurt’s hands became incredibly interesting. Dr. Madsen nodded, scribbling away on her clipboard before she spoke once more.

“That’s what I thought,” she said. “I know pretending makes it easier to deal with the pain but in the end you’re only running away from the inevitable.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Kurt snapped. “Don’t you think I would give anything to not feel this way; to not have to resort to this?”

Kurt wrenched up his sleeves, exposing his heavily marred forearms. If Dr. Madsen was surprised she hid it well.

“Do you believe self-injury is your only option?” she inquired.

“It’s the only thing that works,” Kurt said.

“But is it worth the risks?”

“I’m careful.”

“What about Blaine? Your dad?”

“What about them?”

“Do you ever stop to think about how your self-harm affects them?”

Kurt’s mind flashed back to the day Blaine and Cooper had found him in the shower with blood streaming from his veins. He remembered the shock on Cooper’s face and the panic in Blaine’s voice. Fast-forwarding to two nights previous, he remembered the anguish that filled Blaine’s eyes as Kurt’s skin was bared to him. And then yesterday morning, the disappointment that darkened his father’s countenance.

“How do you think ti makes them feel?” Dr. Madsen asked.

“I know how they feel,” Kurt answered.

“Yet you continue to do this to yourself,” she stated.

“I do this for them!” Kurt exclaimed. “It keeps me from doing something worse.”

“You mean killing yourself.” It wasn’t a question but what came next was, “Are you suicidal?”

“I’m not trying to kill myself but if I died it wouldn’t be such a tragedy now, would it?” Kurt asked bitterly.

“It would be to me, and to Blaine, your dad, Rachel, Finn, Carole. Your dad already lost his wife. Would you make him lose his only son as well?” she asked softly, knowing she was treading on a sensitive topic.

“Dad has Blaine and Finn. He doesn’t need me,” Kurt answered sadly.

“Suppose that is true, then what about Blaine? You’ve said once before he was your soul mate.”

“He still is!”

“In that case, what do you think your death would mean to him? If your roles were reversed, could you bear to lose him?” Dr. Madsen asked.

“Of course not. Blaine’s . . . Blaine’s _everything_. If I lost him . . .  I couldn’t survive that,” Kurt said softly.

“Then why would you put Blaine through the same?” she questioned. When Kurt didn’t answer she changed the subject. “Have you been eating properly? You’ve lost quite a bit of weight.”

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. Why was she lying to him? He was fat, disgusting. Kurt could hardly stand to look at himself; he didn’t know how anyone else could bear to.

“My appetite is fine,” Kurt replied tersely. “I haven’t lost any weight.”

“Then you won’t mind if I weigh you,” Dr. Madsen said.

Kurt’s eyes widened. Why would she want to weigh him? Was she trying to embarrass him?

“I. . . .” he tried to think of some excuse but there was none. Reluctantly, he gave in, “Okay.”

Dr. Madsen guided him to a bathroom scale in the corner that Kurt had never noticed before. HE took a deep breath before stepping onto it. He didn’t want to see what it said. After several seconds 130.6 pounds flashed on the screen. Dr. Madsen frowned.

“Kurt, you’re borderline underweight. If you lose any more you’ll be in dangerous territory.”

Kurt didn’t speak. He didn’t agree with her in the slightest. He was far from underweight. He needed to lose at least thirty more pounds. Dr. Madsen knew when Kurt was shutting down. With a sigh she walked back to where she had left her clipboard. She picked up a prescription pad and wrote on it before tearing out the page.

“I’m going to up your dosage for your antidepressant. I’m also referring you to Andrew Sawin in Manhattan. He’s a good friend of mine; you can trust him,” she said, holding out the paper to Kurt. “It was good to see you, Kurt.”

“You too,” Kurt muttered before walking out of the office.


	12. Chapter 11:  Maintaining Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m not going to be able to update weekly. It’s just not possible with the school load I have. Taking three lit classes and German was not my brightest idea. I will write as often as I can and update when I can but I’m not sure how often that will be. That said, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Keep your eyes open for two Chris Colfer quotes!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Give Unto Me” belongs to Evanescence. Two certain lines derive from the amazing Chris Colfer.

Chapter Eleven:  Maintaining Control

Monday October 29, 2012

Kurt frowned as he looked at the screen of the bathroom scale. The numbers mocked him:  126.3. He had gained one pound. Kurt mentally counted his Body Mass Index:  18.12, up 0.14 points from his previous. He was a failure. Kurt had managed to go days with only a few bites of dinner in his stomach. Until last night that is.

_Just as Dr. Madsen had lied to him, Blaine had as well. He said Kurt was losing weight; he said Kurt was too thin. Didn’t he know Kurt could never be thin enough? He was fat. But he_ would _be thin. Kurt may not be able to control much in his life, but this he could control. At least he had been able to until Blaine insisted on him eating a “good” supper._

_Kurt had forced down a meager salad, each bite harder to swallow than the last. When his plate was empty, Blaine had smiled lovingly at him; Kurt felt disgustingly overweight. All of his hard work had been destroyed in just one night._

_Kurt escaped upstairs where he swallowed several laxatives. He couldn’t let this happen again. He would have to be careful as not to raise Blaine’s suspicions. He would make it work somehow. He would maintain his control._

A part of Kurt was angry at Blaine. Why did he lie to him? Why couldn’t he just leave well-enough alone? But another part of him knew Blaine was just worried about him. And Kurt couldn’t blame him. He was worried himself. But he couldn’t stop hurting himself. It was the only thing that alleviated the pain, if just for a little while. And when the pain returned he cut until it left again.

Now his pain had returned; this time accompanied by the feeling of worthlessness, disappointment, anger and self-hatred. Kurt stepped off of the scale, turning to the counter where he had left his curling iron. He pressed his finger to the metal, withdrawing it quickly as he felt the heat. Kurt rolled up his right sleeve, gripping the iron in the other hand; he lowered it to his skin.

Suddenly, the door to the bathroom flung open. And before Kurt had a chance to hide the curling iron or the fact that he had been burning himself, Blaine had entered the room.

“Kurt, have you seen my – _what are you doing!”_

The curling iron slipped out of Kurt’s hand and fell to the floor. Kurt gasped in pain when the iron hit his foot. Blaine was by his side in an instant; he picked the curling iron up and placed it on the counter, as far away from Kurt as possible.

“What were you thinking?” Blaine asked, gently holding Kurt’s arm out so he could see the damage he had done.

“I thought you had left,” Kurt whispered.

“That makes it okay to burn yourself?” Blaine turned the cold water on, pushing Kurt’s arm under the spray.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Kurt said brokenly.

All of his anger left Blaine. He sighed; he hated seeing his fiancé so broken. If there was some way for him to take all of his pain and make it his own, he would. Blaine turned the faucet off, pulling Kurt into his arms.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten angry,” he said against Kurt’s hair.

“You have every right to be,” Kurt said.

“This isn’t the first time you’ve burnt yourself, is it?” Blaine asked, already knowing the answer.

“No,” Kurt admitted.

“I wish I could make it better,” Blaine said, fighting back tears.

“Blaine. . . .”

“J-just let me . . . I’m sorry,” Blaine said.

A tear escaped his eye, rolling down his cheek. Kurt cupped his face with one hand, wiping away the tear with his thumb. Blaine leaned into Kurt’s hand, closing his eyes with a deep sigh. When he opened them he took Kurt’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together.

“Come with me,” he requested.

Kurt followed him without question. Blaine led him down the stairs and into the library. Blaine seated himself in front of the piano, not tearing his eyes away from Kurt as he lifted his hand to the keys.

_I've been watching you from a distance._

_The distance sees through your disguise._

_All I want from you is your hurting._

_I want to heal you;_

_I want to save you from the dark._

Kurt had been hurting for a long time. Even before he came out the pain was there, accompanied by an ever-present fear. How would his dad take it when he discovered his only son was gay? Would he be accepted by society? The second one he had already known the answer to. No, he was not accepted in Lima; but he was accepted by his dad. After he came out the fear subsided, until the bullying began.

_Give unto me your troubles._

_I'll endure your suffering._

_Place onto me your burden._

_I'll drink your deadly poison._

Yes, Kurt had been plagued with hurt for a while now. Blaine’s deepest most sincere wish was to take that pain away and make it his own. But that wasn’t possible. Instead, Blaine was there for him whenever Kurt needed him, and even when he didn’t need him or Kurt didn’t want him. Blaine felt Kurt’s hand on his shoulder as Kurt raised up his voice to join Blaine’s.

_Why should I care if they hurt you?_

_Somehow it matters more to me_

_Than if I were hurting myself._

_Save you!_

_(Save you.)_

_I'll save you._

Even if there were some way for Kurt to give all of his pain to Blaine, he never would. Just like Blaine would rather endure such anguish than have Kurt suffer, Kurt never wanted Blaine to feel as he did. In fact, Kurt would do everything in his power to ensure that Blaine would never bear such agony.

_(Fear not the flame of my love’s candle.)_

_Give unto me your troubles._

_(Let it be the sun in your world of darkness.)_

_I'll endure your suffering._

_(Give unto me all that frightens you.)_

_Place onto me your burden._

_(I’ll have your nightmares for you)_

_I'll drink your deadly poison._

_(If you sleep soundly.)_

Listening to Blaine sing, there was a part of Kurt that wanted to confess everything to Blaine:  the restricting virtually all food, the laxatives, the power Kurt felt whenever his stomach grumbled in hunger. But Kurt couldn’t do that. Surely, if he did Blaine would think something was wrong and tell him to stop. No, Kurt couldn’t stop. He couldn’t give up his only form of control.

_(Fear not the flame of my love’s candle.)_

_Give unto me your troubles._

_(Let it be the sun in your world of darkness.)_

_I'll endure your suffering._

_(Give unto me all that frightens you.)_

_Place onto me your burden._

_(I’ll have your nightmares for you)_

_I'll drink your deadly poison._

_(If you sleep soundly.)_

_Fear not the flame of my love’s candle._

_Let it be the sun in your world of darkness._

Blaine lifted his hands from the keys. He raised his eyes to meet Kurt’s. Neither one spoke at first, unsure of what to say when the song had said it all. They simply sat there, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. When Blaine finally opened his mouth to speak, somebody else beat him to it.

“Oh, sorry! I was just looking for my song writing textbook,” Rachel said. “I’ll just go.”

“No, it’s okay. I need to go finish getting ready or I’ll be late,” Kurt said hurriedly. The guilt was eating away at him and he couldn’t sit there looking at Blaine a moment longer before he admitted everything. Kurt pressed a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips before fleeing the room.

**K/B**

Thursday November 1, 2012

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kurt.”

Dr. Andrew Sawin was not what Kurt expected. He was young for a psychiatrist, in his thirties. He was attractive with short black hair and brown eyes and was about Kurt’s height. Kurt took his proffered hand as he stepped into the office.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Dr. Sawin,” Kurt replied politely.

“Please, call me Andrew,” the doctor said as he picked up a clipboard from his desk and sat in a leather armchair in the corner of the room. “Have a seat.”

Kurt settled himself on the couch, shifting his weight nervously as he waited for Andrew to begin. Now he wished he had allowed Blaine to accompany him but Kurt wanted to do this on his own. After Dr. Madsen had noticed his change in diet, Kurt didn’t want to risk Andrew bringing up the subject.

“So, why don’t you tell me about yourself?” Andrew suggested.

“I don’t know where to start,” Kurt said awkwardly. He wanted to be able to trust Andrew but after so many years of bullying, Kurt had built up walls to keep himself safe.

“Well, I received your records from Dr. Madsen. I know you have trouble letting people in, especially when you first meet them. But, Kurt, I want you to know that you can trust me; and not just because of doctor-patient confidentiality. Anything you say to me stays within these walls,” Andrew promised. “Just start with wherever you feel comfortable. We can get to the difficult stuff later.”

“Okay,” Kurt said. He drew in a deep breath; he could do this. “I just moved to New York with my fiancé, my stepbrother, and my best friend.”

“Do you like New York?” Andrew asked, beginning to scribble away on his clipboard.

“I love it here. Back in Lima, I wasn’t free to be myself. But I’ve tried being other people and myself suits me best. It still got to me, even though I tried to hold my head up high and act like it didn’t bother me. When I was in Lima, it felt like everyone wanted me to be someone other than myself. Someone always tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. And when you’ve been told that for so long, after a while you start to believe them,” Kurt said dismally.

“There’s nothing wrong with _you_ , Kurt. There’s a lot wrong with _the world_ you live in,” Andrew said wisely. “I’m glad you found somewhere you can be yourself. How else were you bullied? Was it all verbal?”

“No,” Kurt paused, not sure if he was ready to continue. But he had promised Blaine he would get help, and in order to do that he had to be completely honest with Andrew. “I was tossed into dumpsters, had slushies thrown in my face, shoved into lockers, and hate-kissed by a jock that couldn’t accept his own sexuality.”

“That’s a lot to deal with for anyone. How did you get through it?”

This was it. Kurt knew he had to tell the truth. But that didn’t make actually doing it any easier. Kurt knew Andrew was already aware of his self-injury, but admitting it himself was always harder as he was always afraid he would be judged. But Andrew was a trained therapist. It was his job to lend a non-judgmental ear.

“I started hurting myself. . . . It gave me a reprieve from the emotional pain I endured every single day.”

“But that’s _all_ it offered – an escape,” Andrew stated.

“Yeah,” Kurt admitted reluctantly.

“You’re _not_ alone, Kurt. It’s important that you remember that. This is not something that you have to fight on your own.”

“I _feel_ alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone thought I was crazy. I mean, who does this to themselves?”

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Kurt. Self-injury has been a major way of coping in horrible circumstances for you. But this behavior is ultimately futile. It does not help you _truly_ deal with these emotions. There is good news, though. You _can_ fully recover and live a happy, normal life. In fact, I’ve seen it happen firsthand. But you have to be _willing_ to fight; if you’re not, you will not win.”

“I want to get better,” Kurt said resolutely.

“Then you will,” Andrew said. He paused, flipping through a manila folder bearing Kurt’s name. “Dr. Madsen observed you’ve lost weight. Would you mind if I weighed you?”

“No,” Kurt answered reluctantly, knowing there was no way around it. Why did everyone keep insisted he had lost weight? Kurt knew the truth; he was fat. Thankfully, he had managed to go the last three days without eating a bite.

Andrew motioned for Kurt to follow him over to the doctor’s scale. Kurt stepped onto it; Andrew adjusted the slider until the bar balanced out.

“Kurt, you weigh 123.5 pounds. You’re underweight,” Andrew said with concern lacing his voice.

Kurt mentally calculated his BMI:  17.72. It wasn’t enough; he needed to lose weight.

“I’m fine,” Kurt answered.

Andrew frowned but didn’t push the matter. If he pushed Kurt too soon, Andrew knew he might not return.

“I think that’s enough for today. I want to see you twice a week. Does Monday work for you?” Andrew asked.

“Monday’s fine,” Kurt said. He shook Andrew’s hand once more before shouldering his messenger bag and leaving the room.

Kurt jogged home, knowing he needed the exercise. God, why couldn’t he lose weight faster? It seemed like it was taking an eternity. Thankfully, the doctor’s office was fifteen blocks away from his apartment so it gave him a little cardio work. He would have to get on the exercise bike later.

Instead of taking the elevator up to the penthouse, Kurt climbed the stairs to the eighteenth floor, bypassing the main level of the condo in favor of the master suite. Kurt dropped his messenger bag off by the door and entered the bathroom. He was surprised to see Blaine standing there with a white box in his hand, with three other boxes spread out on the counter. Kurt focused on the box, freezing as he realized what Blaine was holding. He had found Kurt’s stash of laxatives.

Blaine heard Kurt enter the room. He slowly turned to face his fiancé, a pained expression on his face. Kurt’s heart stopped when Blaine spoke.

“Kurt, what is this?”


	13. Chapter 12:  The Biggest Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So this chapter is rather short. But this is what I did when I should have been writing a 7-8 page paper on Shakespeare’s use of prose and poetry in Romeo and Juliet. Maybe I’ll turn this in to my professor instead. . . .
> 
> When I refer to Kurt’s self-harm, I’m referring to his cutting, burning and his eating disorder. When I say self-injury, I mean only his cutting and burning. The difference is that eating disorders and cutting are both harmful to the sufferer; self-injury is deliberately causing a direct injury to the body. This is to say self-harm could even go so far as to include smoking and drinking. I hope this makes sense; I tried to explain it well.
> 
> It appears I have a sudden penchant for cliffhangers. I’ll do my best to update soon.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-injury, eating disorder
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “There’s a Wall” belongs to Miranda Lambert.

Chapter Twelve:  The Biggest Mistake

Thursday November 1, 2012

_Kurt dropped his messenger bag off by the door and entered the bathroom. He was surprised to see Blaine standing there with a white box in his hand, with three other boxes spread out on the counter. Kurt focused on the box, freezing as he realized what Blaine was holding. He had found Kurt’s stash of laxatives._

_Blaine heard Kurt enter the room. He slowly turned to face his fiancé, a pained expression on his face. Kurt’s heart stopped when Blaine spoke._

_"Kurt, what is this?”_

“W-Why are you g-going through my st-stuff?” Kurt stammered.

“Why are you hiding laxatives under your sink?” Blaine demanded. He scrutinized Kurt, his eyes sweeping over his rail-thin body. “Have you even been eating at all?”

Kurt made no sign of answering.

“Have you?” Blaine repeated.

“I-I-I can’t,” Kurt whispered.

“What do you mean you can’t? You’re starving yourself, Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed. “You can’t keep this stuff from me, Kurt. It will _destroy_ us.”

“I’m sorry! I won’t-” Kurt began; Blaine cut him off.

“But you did! Not once, but twice! You have these walls built up around yourself, I’ve always known that, but you’ve _never_ used them to keep me out,” Blaine said painfully. “I can’t keep doing this, Kurt.”

“You said you’d never leave me,” Kurt whimpered, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I’m not leaving you; I’d never leave you,” Blaine said immediately. The box of laxatives fell, forgotten, to the ground and Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. Kurt’s body was wracked with tremors; Blaine bit back a sob as he began to sing.

_I'd run away but I can't escape the power of your pride._

_Your eyes are cold like an empty soul and I'm burning up inside._

_There's nothing wrong with letting go and you're still diggin' in._

_We're racing to the bottom and I can't find the end._

Blaine could never leave Kurt; it killed him just thinking about it. But at the same time it killed him watching Kurt hurt himself. He didn’t know how much longer he could do it; he had already been doing it for so long.

_And there's a wall_

_Standing here between us._

_And that's all that's keeping you from freedom._

_And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger._

_You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall._

_And there’s a wall._

The fact of the matter was Kurt was keeping him at arm’s length. He had seldom kept Blaine in the dark about his self-injury, but now he had developed an eating disorder and Blaine felt helpless to aid him. If only Kurt could give up his self-harm altogether

_You love me when you want to and you find reasons to fight;_

_Another lame excuse to keep the devil on your side._

_Trying hard to hide those scars that I've already seen;_

_Your beat up heart's not the only thing that's keeping you from me._

Blaine still had a hard time understanding why Kurt kept his self-harm from him. He had been shocked to find the laxatives hidden in their bathroom; he had been shocked back in Lima when he discovered Kurt’s body was marred with fresh cuts. But Kurt had been scared; he couldn’t tell Blaine he had given up all hope of recovery. And now he was trying to find that hope once more.

_And there's a wall_

_Standing here between us._

_And that's all that's keeping you from freedom._

_And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger._

_You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall._

_And there a wall._

Kurt had tried so hard to be strong, but in the end he was still weak. He didn’t want Blaine to see that weakness; he wanted Blaine to remember him as he was when they first met, back before Blaine knew about Kurt’s self-harm. He was afraid he would fall back into the chasm of depression, self-loathing and self-harm. Kurt felt like he was trapped inside of a prison with no way to break free. He didn’t see the only way to buy his freedom was to stop harming himself.

_Pain has made you weak and hard._

_I will never be as strong._

_As strong . . ._

_As this wall_

_Standing here between us._

_And that's all that's keeping you from freedom._

_And I keep pushing harder and you keep getting stronger._

_You won't break cause you're afraid you'll fall_

_With this wall._

Kurt wiped away his tears, pulling himself away from his fiancé. Blaine took his hand, tugging him out of the bathroom. Kurt followed with a frown.

“Where are we going?” Kurt asked when Blaine stopped to slip on his shoes.

“We’re going down to that therapist’s office and you’re going to tell him what’s really been going on,” Blaine answered.

Kurt didn’t bother protesting, knowing it would be futile. Blaine thrust a blazer into his arms, waiting until Kurt had slipped it on before dragging him out of the door and into the elevator. The sidewalk was swarming with people returning home from work; this didn’t stop Blaine from clutching Kurt’s hand in his, leading the way as he power walked the fifteen blocks to Andrew Sawin’s office.

Blaine was reaching for the door handle to Andrew’s office when suddenly, Andrew was standing before them. He held a briefcase in one hand and a set of keys in the other. Needless to say, Andrew was very surprised to see the couple on his doorstep.

“Kurt, I was just leaving. Is everything okay?” Andrew asked, scanning Kurt’s face for a clue as to his unexpected presence.

“Everything’s fi-”

“I’m Blaine Anderson, Kurt’s fiancé,” Blaine interrupted, extending his hand to Andrew.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Blaine. I’m Andrew Sawin,” Andrew said, grasping his hand firmly.

“I’m sorry to show up without an appointment but it’s pertinent that we speak with you,” Blaine said. In other circumstances, Kurt would have laughed to see Blaine become dapper so quickly.

“Of course, why don’t you guys come in?” Andrew stepped back inside the building, holding the door open so Kurt and Blaine could pass through.

They settled into Andrew’s office, Kurt seated stiffly on the couch where he had sat earlier. Andrew looked at Kurt expectantly, but Kurt only stared at his hands. Blaine spoke first.

“I found four boxes of laxatives under Kurt’s sink, one of them almost completely empty,” Blaine said.

“Kurt?” Andrew asked, continuing to gaze at his patient.

Kurt’s fingers curled into fists, his cuticles cutting into the palm of his hand. Blaine gently uncurled Kurt’s fingers, lacing them with his own and squeezing his hand gently.

“Courage,” Blaine whispered.

Kurt raised tear-filled eyes to Blaine’s hazel depths. He continued to look at Blaine even as he spoke to Andrew.

“I’ve been taking laxatives,” Kurt admitted in a whisper. Blaine gave him a look, waiting for him to continue. Bowing his head, Kurt said, “And I haven’t been eating.”

“I see. When did this start?” Andrew asked.

“A little more than a month ago,” Kurt answered.

"That’s not all,” Blaine said. “He exercises all the time. If he’s not doing homework or at school, he’s on the treadmill or running through Gramercy Park.”

“What do you feel, Kurt, when you restrict your food intake?” Andrew questioned.

“Everything in my life is out of my control, but I _can_ control my weight.”

“But you can never lose enough weight, can you?” Andrew asked knowingly.

Kurt looked up in surprise. “No.”

“Kurt, I don’t understand. Why would you want to lose weight?” Blaine asked in a hurt voice.

“I’m fat,” Kurt whispered.

“What?! Kurt, you’re skin and bones!” Blaine exclaimed. Kurt winced.

“Kurt, I told you today you’re underweight,” Andrew stated.

“Stop lying to me!” Kurt said, jumping up to his feet. “I know I’m disgusting. You don’t know to pretend otherwise for my expense!”

“Kurt-”

“Look at me!” he shrieked, pulling his shirt up so his stomach was bared. “Look at me!”

Blaine gasped. It had been several weeks since he had seen Kurt’s bare torso; whenever they made love lately Kurt made sure things escalated before they could lose their shirts because he couldn’t bear to have Blaine look at his enormous stomach. Blaine was shocked to see his fiancé now. His ribs were clearly visible, his hipbones jutted out and his stomach was becoming concave.

Kurt let his shirt fall back down. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Why was this happening? Before Blaine or Andrew could say a word, Kurt had turned and fled the office. Blaine followed him but it was too late. He ran out onto the street but couldn’t see Kurt through the crowd. Blaine thought frantically. Where would he go? Kurt wouldn’t go home, not when Finn and Rachel were there. Kurt would want to be alone. Blaine decided Gramercy Park was the best bet.

As he sped down the sidewalk, Blaine called Rachel. He quickly explained what was going on and asked for her and Finn to check around the NYADA campus, just in case Kurt had gone there. Later, Blaine would consider this the biggest mistake of his life.

**K/B**

The penthouse was empty when Kurt finally made it through the crowded streets of Manhattan to his home. Kurt was relieved. He knew if Finn or Rachel saw him they would never leave him alone. Kurt needed to be alone. He needed to feel the press of cool metal against the soft flesh of his wrist. Kurt took the stairs to the master suite two at a time. He tossed his phone onto the bed as he made his way to the bathroom.

Kurt pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it to the floor without a care where it landed. He grabbed his razor from its hiding place, lowering it to his wrist. The veins in his wrist stood out through his pale skin. Kurt pushed the blade into his skin, but it wasn’t enough. So he sliced into his flesh again, and again, and again, going deeper and deeper each time he drug the blade across his wrist.

Blood streamed from his wounds, splashing onto the tiled floor beneath his feet. Minutes passed by and still Kurt stood there, watching his blood flow from his veins. As dizziness began to set in, horror flooded his every sense. What had he done? Kurt stumbled back into the bedroom, leaving a trail of blood behind him. He grabbed his phone off of the bed and frantically dialed Blaine’s number.

Kurt barely had time to press the call button before the world spun around him and the floor rose to meet him.

**K/B**

Blaine jumped when he heard Kurt’s ringtone sound from his phone. He answered immediately.

“Kurt! Where are you?” There was no answer. “Kurt? Kurt!”


	14. Chapter 13:  His Worst Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: These next few chapters are going to be quite angsty. You’re welcome ;)
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Haunted” belongs to Kelly Clarkson.

Chapter Thirteen:  His Worst Fears

Thursday November 1, 2012

The plastic seat was hard beneath him; the sounds of people crying out in pain and coughing from various injuries and illnesses echoed off the walls, reverberating throughout the room. The smell of sanitizer and floor wax stung his nose. His throat was dry and his head ached from crying.

“Here,” a voice said.

A cup of coffee was thrust into his hand. Blaine raised his head, surprised to see Rachel standing before him. He couldn’t remember her arriving at the hospital. He couldn’t remember much of anything, except blood. _So much blood._ Blaine pushed the thought away, not wanting to break down once more.

“Where’s Finn?” he croaked, raising the cup to his mouth.

“He’s making arrangements with Burt and Carole,” Rachel answered. She sat down beside him, settling a small pile of folded clothes on her lap.

“What’re those?” he asked.

“Oh, I went back to the apartment and got you some clean clothes. I didn’t think you’d want to walk around covered in blood,” Rachel said softly.

Blaine winced, setting the coffee aside. He took the clothes from Rachel and stood up. He began to walk away but stopped and turned around.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Rachel nodded. Blaine went in search of a bathroom. When he found one he closed the door behind him, leaning his head against it. Memories of the previous hours attempted to breakthrough to the forefront of his mind, but Blaine pushed them away. He couldn’t break down. Not again. Reluctantly, Blaine turned and faced his reflection in the mirror.

Blaine’s hair was messier than ever from where he had clutched the unruly curls in his hands. His face was tear-streaked and his eyes rimmed red. His complexion was paler than usual and his eyes were lifeless. That wasn’t the worst of it. Blaine’s clothes were covered in blood. _Kurt’s blood_. And unable to stop it, Blaine was sucked into the memory of what had happened hours previous.

_Everything happened in a flash. Blaine was running out of Gramercy Park as fast as his legs would carry him while yelling at Finn over the phone. Thankfully, Finn had a rare moment of brilliance and realized if Kurt returned home no one would be there and had told Rachel to continue on to NYADA while he went back to the apartment. Blaine ran into the lobby only seconds before Finn. Without a word and nary a glance exchanged between them, they raced to the elevator and ascended to the master suite of the penthouse._

_They burst through the door, Blaine first with Finn close on his tail. Blaine’s worst fears were realized the second the door opened. Looking through the dressing room out into the hall that led to the bathroom, Blaine saw a trail of blood. Blaine followed the trail from the bathroom into the master bedroom._

Blood. So much blood, everywhere _. And there, lying in a pool of his own blood was his beloved, his fiancé, his everything, his Kurt. Even as he was gathering Kurt into his arms and lifting him onto the bed, Blaine was yelling at Finn to call 9-1-1._

_“Come on, Kurt. Don’t do this to me; don’t leave me. Don’t you_ dare _leave me, Kurt Hummel,” Blaine said._

_He extended Kurt’s left arm, fighting to keep himself together. Four horizontal cuts, each one deeper than the other, were carved into his flesh. They were still bleeding heavily. Grasping his right arm, he felt for a pulse. It was there, barely._

_“Come on, baby. Wake up,_ please _, wake up! Dammit, Finn, where is that ambulance?” Blaine exclaimed._

_“They’re on the way,” Finn answered, still on the phone with the 9-1-1 dispatcher._

_Blaine tore his shirt off, ignoring the buttons as they flew through the air. He ripped a shred of fabric off the bottom, using it to tie a tourniquet around Kurt’s arm. He heart stopped when Kurt’s chest ceased to rise and fall._

_“He’s not breathing!” Blaine screamed._

_Blaine placed his hands over Kurt’s sternum and began chest compressions. After thirty compressions, he lowered his mouth to Kurt’s and exhaled. He drew in another breath before closing his mouth over Kurt’s once more. Then he resumed the chest compressions. It seemed like it was hours, but finally Kurt’s chest rose under his hands._

_Blaine felt tears prickling behind his eyes and fought them back. Now was not the time to break down. Just then, he heard a siren as an ambulance pulled up to the Gramercy Park Hotel. Minutes later, three paramedics burst into the room. One pulled Blaine to his feet and backed him away from Kurt._

_“No, no, he’s my fiancé! Please!” Blaine pleaded as his tears finally escaped him._

_“Son, stand back and let us do our job,” the man said gently._

_Finn came to Blaine’s side, wrapping his arms around him loosely in case Blaine tried to break through the paramedics to Kurt’s side._

_“He’ll be okay, Blaine, he’ll be okay,” Finn said comfortingly._

_They watched as the paramedics worked on Kurt. They lifted him onto a stretcher and wheeled him out of the room and to the elevator. Blaine and Finn followed. As they were loading Kurt into the back of the ambulance, Blaine grabbed the sleeve of the paramedic that had spoken to him earlier._

_“Please, I_ have _to go with him,” Blaine implored._

_“Of course, son; let’s go,” the man said._

_Without a word to Finn, Blaine clambered into the back of the ambulance. He stayed out of the way as two of the paramedics continued to work on Kurt. Suddenly, monitors started to go off._

_“What’s wrong?!” Blaine asked in panic._

_“He’s having a heart attack! Get the paddles!”_

A knock on the bathroom door tore him out of his memory.

“Blaine, is everything okay?” Rachel asked.

Blaine couldn’t bring himself to answer. What was he supposed to say? Everything was the exact opposite of okay. His fiancé was in surgery after slitting his wrist. How was he _supposed_ to be doing?

“Blaine, I’m coming in,” Rachel said when she received no answer. The door was pushed open slowly and Rachel slipped into the room. “You haven’t changed.”

“I was thinking,” Blaine said softly.

“He’s going to be okay, Blaine,” Rachel said.

Unable to look at Kurt’s blood on his clothes anymore, Blaine pulled his undershirt over his head. He grabbed several paper towels and wet them before scrubbing at his skin to wash away the blood there. Once every trace of blood was gone, Blaine slipped out of his pants. Rachel averted her eyes to the floor until Blaine had pulled on a clean pair of jeans. He splashed his face with water, patting it dry.

“Why don’t you go home? You can take a shower, get some rest. . . .”

“I’m not leaving him,” Blaine answered as he slipped a fresh shirt over his head.

“Okay,” Rachel said, knowing there was no point in persisting.

Blaine turned and walked out of the room, Rachel following him. They hadn’t been sitting long when Finn joined them. His face was pale and he was visibly exhausted. Finn slumped into the chair next to Rachel.

“Burt and Carole are taking the red-eye,” Finn said. “They’ll call us when they land and take a cab straight here.”

Blaine nodded. They sat in silence until a doctor exited a pair of closed double doors and approached them.

“You’re with Kurt Hummel?” he asked.

“I’m Blaine Anderson, his fiancé,” Blaine answered, jumping to his feet.

“I’m Dr. Cartwright.”

“How is he?” Blaine demanded, barely giving the doctor a chance to introduce himself.

“Kurt was brought in with multiple self-inflicted wounds to his left wrist. He lost a lot of blood and had entered severe hypovolemic shock by the time he arrived. He suffered a heart attack en route to the hospital but the paramedics were able to stop it.”

“Hypovolemic shock?” Rachel asked.

“He went into shock due to too much blood loss. That is essentially what caused his heart attack though he is also malnourished and that could likewise have led to the cardiac arrest. Kurt received multiple blood transfusions. He required over eleven-hundred sutures, both surface and subcutaneous.

“Kurt cut through several tendons and nerves, as well as a major artery. We were able to stitch all of it back together, but as we were closing him up he suffered another heart attack. There’s no easy way to say this, but Kurt is in a coma.”

“H-he’s in a c-coma,” Blaine stammered, collapsing into a chair.

“When will he wake up?” Finn asked.

“There’s no way to tell.” Dr. Cartwright knelt down to look Blaine in the eyes and said, “You saved his life tonight, Blaine. The paramedics told me you administered CPR prior to their arrival.”

“But now it might not matter,” Blaine muttered.

“Don’t say that, Blaine!” Rachel gasped.

“Can I see him?” he asked, ignoring Rachel.

“Of course,” Dr. Cartwright answered, standing back up.

Blaine got to his feet, looking back at Rachel and Finn.

“Go ahead, Blaine. We’ll wait out here,” Rachel said softly.

“I must warn you, we had to intubate him. He’s also on 72-hour suicide watch and we had to strap him down. Even after the suicide watch is over, he won’t be able to use his left arm due to the damage done to his tendons,” Dr. Cartwright warned him.

“You said he cut through some nerves. Is there going to be permanent damage?” Blaine asked as they rounded a corner.

“There’s no way to know until he wakes up.” Dr. Cartwright stopped outside of a closed door. “Let one of the nurses know if you need anything or have any more questions.”

Blaine watched the doctor walk away before turning back to the door. With a deep breath, he reached out for the doorknob and twisted it. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Blaine couldn’t hold back a gasp from the sight that greeted him.

Kurt was deathly pale, lying on the hospital bed. All of his limbs were strapped down with brown restraints. Another restraint wrapped around his waist, ensuring he was unable to move if and when he awakened. Several bags of blood and a bag of fluids were connected to an IV which was taped to Kurt’s right forearm. A tube was protruding from his mouth, which Blaine knew went all the way down to his trachea. But worst of all, was the white gauze that was wrapped tightly around his left wrist. Small drops of blood had seeped through the material as the wounds continued to ooze even with the stitches.

“Kurt,” Blaine gasped. He went to his side, holding his right hand between both of his own.

Blaine couldn’t believe just how close he had come to loosing Kurt forever. He had stopped breathing once, and suffered two heart attacks. If Blaine had arrived just a second later. . . .

“God, Kurt, you can’t-you _can’t_ leave me! Please, wake up. Please, _please_ , wake up. I need you. _Please_ , don’t leave me here alone,” Blaine sobbed, clutching at Kurt’s hand. He hung his head as he expressed his emotions in the way he knew best.

_Louder, louder,_

_The voices in my head;_

_Whispers taunting,_

_All the things you said._

_Faster the days go by and I'm still_

_Stuck in this moment of wanting you here._

_Time,_

_In the blink of an eye;_

_You held my hand, you held me tight._

_Now you're gone_

_And I'm still crying._

_Shocked, broken,_

_I'm dying inside._

Blaine couldn’t believe they were here again. His worst fears had proven true. He couldn’t help but wonder what had led Kurt to hurt himself so badly, to cut into his own flesh so deeply. Had Blaine pushed him too far? Or had the anorexia completely clouded his thoughts? Was it the fear of Blaine leaving? Or the horror of realizing Blaine knew about his eating disorder? Kurt’s voice still rung through his head, the last words he said to him, “Look at me! Look at me!”

_Where are you?_

_I need you!_

_Don't leave me here on my own!_

_Speak to me!_

_Be near me!_

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me!_

What if Kurt never woke up? What if he was forever lost in his own mind? No, he couldn’t think this way. Kurt _would_ wake up. He wouldn’t leave Blaine, not this way. They had the rest of their lives to live. Kurt _couldn’t_ leave him this way, not so soon after they had found each other.

_Shadows linger,_

_Only to my eye._

_I see you, I feel you._

_Don't leave my side._

_It's not fair._

_Just when I found my world,_

_They took you, they broke you; they tore out your heart._

As badly as Blaine wanted to find someone to blame, he knew there was no one at fault here. He couldn’t even bring himself to blame Kurt. No, the real blame lay with Kurt’s illness. Blaine couldn’t blame himself for going to Gramercy Park instead of checking the penthouse. He couldn’t blame the bullies whose torture had led Kurt to the razor. Blaine couldn’t blame anyone. There was no vengeance to be had.

_I miss you, you hurt me._

_You left with a smile._

_Mistaken, your sadness_

_Was hiding inside._

_Now all that's left_

_Are the pieces to find._

_The mystery you kept;_

_The soul behind a guise!_

How had Blaine missed Kurt’s anorexia? He knew he wasn’t eating as much; but as Kurt had a night class three times a week Blaine didn’t always eat with him. If Blaine had noticed, would they be here right now? _No, this is no one’s fault_ , Blaine reminded himself. After all, Kurt would never hurt him this way. He would never leave him. Especially not like this.

_Where are you?_

_I need you!_

_Don't leave me here on my own!_

_Speak to me!_

_Be near me!_

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me!_

Kurt’s life couldn’t end this way. They were engaged to be married. They hadn’t even set a wedding date yet, though Blaine knew Kurt well enough to know he would want to be wed on their anniversary. They were supposed to have children:  two, a boy and a girl. They were going to retire in Provincetown and start an artists’ colony. They had so many years to look forward to together.

_Why did you go?_

_All these questions run through my mind._

_I wish I couldn't feel at all._

_Let me be numb._

_I'm starting to fall!_

Blaine could feel his restraint slipping away. He had so far held himself together somewhat, but now his foundation was beginning to crumble. Was this the pain Kurt felt every day? Was this what had led him to take up the razor against himself today? Blaine could understand Kurt’s wish for an escape, but God, why couldn’t he see that hurting himself was not the answer?

_Where are you?_

_I need you!_

_Don't leave me here on my own!_

_Speak to me!_

_Be near me!_

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me!_

_Where are you?_

_Where are you?_

_You were smiling._

_You were smiling._

_You were smiling._

Blaine collapsed inwards, all of his walls destroyed. Sobs tore from his throat and he gripped Kurt’s hand tighter. He brought Kurt’s hand up to his chest, laying his head beside Kurt’s on the pillow. He buried his face in Kurt’s hair, breathing in his scent.

“Why?” he gasped out. _“Why?”_


	15. Chapter 14:  My Reason to Be Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This very narrowly got finished today. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Brave” belongs to the amazing Josh Groban.

Chapter Fourteen:  My Reason to Be Brave

Thursday November 1, 2012

Blaine wasn’t sure how much time passed as he sat by Kurt’s side. It could have been minutes, hours, days, or even weeks. He felt a hand on his shoulder and lifted his head to see Rachel standing beside him.

“You should eat something,” she said.

“I’m _not_ leaving him. I’m not hungry anyway,” Blaine said softly. His stomach chose that inopportune moment to growl. Rachel clearly heard and wasn’t about to back down.

“I’m going down to the cafeteria to get Finn a sandwich. I’ll bring you something back,” Rachel said.

She turned to leave. Blaine jumped to his feet, reaching out to grab Rachel’s hand and stop her.

“Rachel, wait,” Blaine said. She turned to look at him expectantly. “I love you.”

Rachel’s eyes widened in surprise but she understood. With Kurt lying comatose in a hospital bed, they were all reminded that life was too short. Blaine would not waste a moment of his life letting any of his loved ones live without knowing how he felt about them.

“I love you too, Blaine,” Rachel said simply.

Blaine stumbled forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around the girl who had come to be one of his closest friends. He couldn’t stop his tears from flowing; Rachel rubbed comforting circles over Blaine’s shoulder blades, letting him cry. When he pulled back, his face was red with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be sorry, Blaine. I’m always here for you,” Rachel said with a smile. She embraced him once more before disappearing out the door.

Blaine slumped back into the chair by Kurt’s side. He grasped his hand again. Blaine sat motionless until Rachel returned, pressing a ham and cheese sandwich into his free hand. He thanked her, eating quietly. Blaine was surprised when he looked down to see he had eaten the entire sandwich. He propped his head up on one hand, holding Kurt’s hand with the other. And before he knew it he had slipped into unconsciousness.

**K/B**

Friday November 2, 2012

When Blaine awoke, he was surprised to discover he was lying on the bench under the windowsill. Finn must have moved him sometime while he slept. He heard hushed voices and focused on what they were saying.

“He refuses to leave,” Rachel was whispering.

“I can’t blame him,” Burt said.

“It’s not healthy,” Finn said.

“Leave him be,” Carole cut in. “He’s hurting. At least he’s sleeping. Right now that’s the best we can ask for. Has he been eating?”

“I brought him a sandwich a few hours ago,” Rachel answered.

Hours ago? How long had he been asleep? Blaine lifted his head, groaning in pain as his head ached in protest. Carole was instantly by his side, helping him into a sitting position.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“My head hurts,” he answered.

“I have some ibuprofen,” Rachel said, digging through her purse.

Carole brushed back the curls from his forehead, pressing a motherly kiss to his temple. Blaine leaned into her side, wishing his own mother were there to comfort him. Rachel gave him some ibuprofen and a bottle of water. Blaine swallowed them down, nodding his thanks.

“You should go home, take a shower; get some rest. You’ll feel better,” Rachel said as she took the water back from him.

“I’m not _leaving_ him,” Blaine repeated for the umpteenth time.

“Blaine-”

“I can shower here; I can have food sent up from the cafeteria,” Blaine interrupted.

“What about clean clothes? You can’t wear those for . . .” Rachel’s voice trailed off, reminding everyone that they didn’t know how long it would be until Kurt woke up.

“I can pick up some things for you at the apartment,” Burt said gruffly.

Blaine looked up in surprise. He figured Burt would be fighting to make him leave as well. Blaine thanked Burt, moving to take his seat by Kurt’s bedside. The others watched him in silence as he took Kurt’s left hand in his, mindful of the bandage on his forearm.

“How are you holding up, sweetie?” Carole asked, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not,” Blaine said brokenly. His voice hitched on the words and he bit down on his lip to keep his tears at bay. He was tired of crying.

Carole noticed this. She squeezed his shoulder, saying, “It’s okay to cry, honey. Don’t bottle it up inside; let it out.”

Blaine fixed his eyes on Kurt’s face, willing him to open his beautiful cerulean eyes. His tears began to fall in earnest. Carole knelt by his side and looking to Burt, had a silent conversation with her husband. Burt nodded, putting a hand on the shoulders of Rachel and Finn.

“Come on, kids. Let’s go get some breakfast from the cafeteria,” Burt said, steering the couple out of the room.

Carole continued to hold Blaine as he cried. When he finally pulled away, wiping his eyes, he asked, “Can I please have a moment?”

“Of course,” she answered immediately. She got to her feet, saying, “I know you’re scared, Blaine, and that’s only natural. But we have to be brave for Kurt. Have courage.”

Blaine heard the door click shut behind her but didn’t move his eyes away from his fiancé. He looked like he was sleeping. If only it were that simple. Carole’s words echoed through his mind:  ‘Have courage.’ Courage:  that was a word that belonged to him and Kurt alone. Blaine didn’t fight back his tears this time; he let them fall as he began to sing.

_Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long._

_Reach out; reach out before it fades away._

_You will find the warmth when you surrender._

_Smile into the fear and let it play._

Blaine had been through difficult times before, but nothing compared to this. Twelve hours had passed since Blaine and Finn had found Kurt bleeding out on the floor of their bedroom. How long would it take Kurt to wake up? Would he ever wake up? Blaine knew until Kurt regained consciousness, he would not be leaving his side.

_You wanna run away, run away;_

_And you say that it can't be so._

_You wanna look away, look away;_

_But you stay 'cause it's all so close._

_When you stand up and hold out your hand_

_In the face of what I don't understand;_

_My reason to be brave._

As hard as he tried, Blaine could not understand what cutting offered Kurt. Of course, he _knew_ it gave him a reprieve from the pain he felt day in and day out; but Blaine could not imagine ever taking up arms against himself for a moment’s relief. Blaine couldn’t understand because he had never experienced the release Kurt experienced when he cut into his own flesh. Blaine didn’t understand why his self-injury was more important to Kurt than Blaine was.

_Hold on; hold on, so strong, times just carries on._

_All that you thought was wrong is pure again._

_You can't hide forever from the thunder._

_Look into the storm and feel the rain._

In the end, that was what it came down to. Kurt knew how it affected Blaine when he hurt himself; Kurt knew Blaine’s deepest fear was finding Kurt bleeding out on the floor. Yet he had continued to hurt himself, eventually going so deep he almost died and Blaine was left to find him once again. All Blaine wanted was for Kurt to get better; all Kurt seemed to want was to hurt himself no matter the consequences.

_You wanna run away, run away;_

_And you say that it can't be so._

_You wanna look away, look away;_

_But you stay 'cause it's all so close._

_When you stand up and hold out your hand_

_In the face of what I don't understand;_

_My reason to be brave._

Blaine was trying so hard to stay strong. He hated for anyone to see him cry; the only person he was ever comfortable crying in front of was Kurt. But now he couldn’t seem to stop his tears from falling for more than a few minutes at a time. Everyone said they understood and it was okay, but it wasn’t okay. Because Kurt was in a coma; Kurt might not ever wake up. And, God, what would Blaine do if he never awoke? How could he go on without the one person he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world? How could he go on without his soul mate?

_Go on, go on!_

_You wanna run away, run away;_

_And you say that it can't be so._

_You wanna look away, look away;_

_But you stay 'cause it's all so close._

_When you stand up and hold out your hand_

_In the face of what I don't understand;_

_My reason to be brave._

Eyes trained on Kurt’s face, Blaine sang the last note. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain but knew it was no use. Fumbling for his phone in his pocket, Blaine found himself pressing keys on the dial pad before he was quite aware of what he was doing.

“Hey, Squirt! You won’t believe what my manager-”

“Coop,” Blaine said in a broken whisper. A sob tore from his throat before Blaine could stop it.

“Blaine, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay? Are Mom and Dad okay?” Cooper asked frantically through the phone, fearing something terrible had happened to his baby brother.

“I-it’s K-Kurt,” Blaine stammered. “He d-did it ag-gain.”

“What do you mean he did it again? Did _what_ again?” Cooper asked, trying to understand.

“He went too d-deep,” Blaine sobbed. “Now he’s lying unconscious in the hospital. He had two heart attacks! What am I supposed to do, Coop? _What am I supposed to do?”_

“It’s going to be okay, Blaine. It’s going to be okay. You said this has happened before and Kurt pulled through then, he’ll do it again. He’s a fighter. Where are you now?”

“I’m at Bellevue. I haven’t left his side since the doctor let me see him. It was so bad, Coop. There was blood everywhere. He had multiple blood transfusions; he had to have _surgery!_ He cut through his tendons and nerves; it took over eleven-hundred stitches. He might have p-permanent nerve damage. He might not wake up,” Blaine said so quickly Cooper had trouble catching the words.

“Where are Finn and Rachel?” Cooper asked.

“They went to the cafeteria with Kurt’s parents. I asked to be alone,” Blaine answered.

“You may want to be alone but I don’t think you should be right now, Bee. Why don’t you call them and see when they’re coming back? I’m going to take the first flight I can out of L.A., okay?” Cooper said as calmly as possible given the circumstances.

“You don’t have to-”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. You’re my little brother, Bee, and whether you want to admit it or not you need me right now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll call you as soon as I know when my flight is. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Blaine slipped the phone back into his pocket. He heard someone clear their throat and turned to see Burt standing in the doorway. Blaine looked at him for a moment before turning his attention back to Kurt.

“Andrew Sawin called,” Burt said as he stepped into the room. “He called Kurt’s phone last night and Rachel talked to him; she told him what happened.” Blaine remained silent so Burt continued. “He wants to speak to you.”

“Then he’ll have to come here. I’m-”

“Not leaving, yeah, I know and that’s what I told him. He’ll be here in an hour,” Burt told him. He sank into the chair on Kurt’s other side.

Blaine continued to stare at Kurt’s face in silence. Burt didn’t force him to talk. When Carole, Finn and Rachel returned, Burt and Finn left to gather some of Blaine’s things from the apartment. Rachel slipped out of the room to call her fathers. Blaine and Carole were alone in the room when Dr. Cartwright stopped by while doing his rounds. Blaine only half listened as Cartwright repeated everything Blaine had already heard the night before to Carole.

“Will he be able to use his arm?” Carole asked.

Blaine’s eyes snapped to Cartwright. Even as he had asked the previous night if there would be lasting damage, he never stopped to think that Kurt might not ever be able to use his arm.

“The cuts were so deep they were almost to the bone. Kurt injured his anterior radial nerve as well as the volar branch of his anterior median nerve,” Cartwright answered Carole as any doctor would speak to a nurse.

“What does that mean?” Blaine demanded, his full attention now on the doctor.

“The radial nerve is mainly a sensory nerve but it does control some movement, namely in the wrist itself. The median nerve is a sensory nerve but can affect movement of the thumb. We stitched the nerves back together but there is a chance that they will not regrow; regrowth takes many months regardless so it is likely we will not know the true extent of the damage for a while.

“Kurt also injured several flexor tendons. We stitched those tendons back together but again, it will take time to heal. It could be three months before the tendons are completely healed. Once Kurt is off suicide watch we will fit him with a splint which will limit his movement as he can cause further injury if he attempts to use his hand. Kurt may experience some long-term stiffness and scar tissue could limit his motion after a while which could require a second surgery,” Cartwright explained.

All of this was hard for Blaine to take in, but he understood the basics of what Dr. Cartwright had said. Kurt Hummel would never be the same.

**K/B**

After Rachel returned, Carole explained what the doctor had said. Blaine ignored them. His mind was racing and his thoughts were only of Kurt. He only looked away from his fiancé’s face when a knock sounded on the door.

“Blaine, may I come in?” Andrew’s voice drifted into the room.

Blaine nodded. Andrew introduced himself to Carole and Rachel. After a few seconds of polite conversation, Carole steered Rachel out of the room, leaving Blaine and Andrew to talk in peace.

“I’ve spoken with Kurt’s doctor,” Andrew began. “He has a long road of recovery before him.”

“If he wakes up,” Blaine whispered.

“He will wake up, Blaine.”

“Really? How do you _know?_ Can you _promise_ me that?” Andrew didn’t answer. “Why are you even here? Can you even talk to me without Kurt’s consent?”

Blaine knew he was being rude but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

“When Kurt signed his HIPAA form he gave permission for me to divulge details of his treatment with you,” Andrew said, surprising Blaine. Kurt had never mentioned that to him. “I’m here because Kurt is very sick.”

“Obviously,” Blaine spat.

“Blaine, I know you’re hurting; I know this is the last thing you want to be thinking about right now. But we have to consider the possibility that Kurt’s treatment take another direction.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m recommending Kurt for inpatient treatment at a rehabilitation center.”


	16. Chapter 15:  Waiting For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This week has been crazy, but I still managed to get a chapter out! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Come Home” belongs to OneRepublic. “False Alarms” belongs to Josh Groban.

Chapter Fifteen:  Waiting For You

Thursday November 8, 2012

Every day that Kurt didn’t wake seemed like a lifetime to Blaine. Today was a week since the accident. Blaine could tell the doctors were growing more and more worried the longer Kurt was comatose.

The day after Kurt was admitted a feeding tube was inserted through his nostrils. Much to the doctor’s chagrin, Blaine still refused to leave Kurt and remained in the room during the procedure. Two days later, he was deemed well enough for extubation. He was put on a nasal cannula. Otherwise, there was no change in Kurt’s condition.

The room was dark, which suited Blaine. It was just past three-thirty in the morning. Blaine had yet to fall asleep. He barely slept and when he did the memory of finding Kurt bleeding out on the floor replayed in his mind.

Blaine sat watching Kurt’s chest as it rose and fell, as he had come to do since the extubation. As long as his chest continued to rise, Blaine could stop himself from falling apart completely. He was so focused on Kurt that he didn’t hear the footsteps drawing close to the room and was startled when light flooded in when the door was pushed open.

“Oh, Blaine,” a pretty blonde nurse said in surprise. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“Hi, Cathy,” Blaine answered solemnly.

“I won’t be long. I just need to change his bag of antibiotics and turn him,” Cathy said, stepping further into the room.

“Can I help?” Blaine asked eagerly.

“Sure,” Cathy agreed as she hung a clear bag of liquid antibiotics on Kurt’s IV pump. She disposed of the old bag before returning to Kurt’s side. Blaine stood up, his eyes fixed on Kurt’s face.

“First, turn his head,” Cathy instructed.

Blaine reached behind Kurt’s neck to cup his head in one hand; his other hand cradled Kurt’s chin and jaw. He was surprised to feel stubble beneath his fingers; Blaine hadn’t noticed it sooner as Kurt’s facial hair grew very slowly. Blaine ran his thumb across the short hairs, wondering if he would be allowed to give Kurt a shave later in the day.

“Now his body,” Cathy said with a nod.

Blaine put one hand over Kurt’s shoulder blade and the other behind his hip. Very carefully, he pulled until Kurt was lying on his side.

“Good job!” Cathy smiled.

Blaine didn’t reply. His eyes were again fixed on Kurt’s face. He lifted a hand, running it through Kurt’s hair; he almost laughed at the thought of what Kurt would say if he were conscious.

“Can I get you anything? Water or a soda?” Cathy offered, causing Blaine to jump. He had forgotten she was there.

“A Coke, please,” Blaine answered.

“Coming right up,” Cathy said before she turned and left the room.

Blaine settled back into his chair, taking Kurt’s hand in his. He heard Cathy come back into the room and smiled as she put a Coke can in his free hand.

“Are you going to be okay on your own?” she asked with concern.

“I have to be,” Blaine answered sadly. Because in all honesty, he was not okay; he was so far from okay. But he could not admit that to anyone, though they all knew the truth.

“I’ll be back before the end of my shift to bathe him and change his dressing,” Cathy said. She squeezed Blaine’s shoulder lightly before leaving the room.

Blaine’s eyes swept over Kurt’s prone body. He hated seeing him this way:  hooked up to multiple machines, IV antibiotics and fluids steadily dripping into his veins, and the white gauze wrapped tightly around his wrist. Thankfully, Kurt had been removed from seventy-two hour suicide watch and the only strap that remained was to hold his injured arm down so Kurt could not further injure his tendons whenever he awoke. Blaine’s fingers traced the edge of Kurt’s jaw as he began to sing.

_Hello, world._

_Hope you're listening._

_Forgive me if I’m young_

_For speaking out of turn._

_There’s someone I’ve been missing._

_I think that they could be_

_The better half of me._

_They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right._

_But I’m tired of justifying._

_So I say to you._

Blaine felt so lost without Kurt. Could Kurt hear him? Would he remember anything said to him while he was comatose? Blaine had not known it was possible to miss someone so much until now; he wished he had never found out. Kurt was his other half; without him Blaine was one half of a whole. Kurt was the better half.

_Come home;_

_Come home._

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for you_

_For so long;_

_For so long._

_Right now there's a war between the vanities;_

_But all I see is you and me._

_The fight for you is all I’ve ever known._

_So come home, oh._

No matter how long it took for Kurt to wake up, Blaine would not leave his side. Kurt needed him just as badly as Blaine needed Kurt. So Blaine would wait forever. He had been fighting alongside Kurt for so long, he was not about to give up now.

_I get lost in the beauty_

_Of everything I see._

_The world ain’t half as bad_

_As they paint it to be._

_If all the sons,_

_All the daughters_

_Stopped to take it in;_

_Well, hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin._

_It might start now, yeah._

_Well, maybe I’m just dreaming out loud._

_Until then . . ._

Until the time Kurt woke up, Blaine would keep watch over him. Watching Kurt sleep was nothing new to Blaine, but now Kurt wasn’t really asleep, was he? If he were simply asleep Blaine could easily wake Kurt, but this was something different entirely. This was the most terrifying experience Blaine had ever endured.

_Come home;_

_Come home._

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for you_

_For so long;_

_For so long._

_Right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all I see is you and me._

_The fight for you is all I’ve ever known;_

_Ever known._

_So come home, oh._

All of the unknowns hung over Blaine like a cloud. When would Kurt wake up? Would there be lasting damage to his arm? Would he be able to heal psychologically? And the newest question:  would Kurt agree to rehab?

_Everything I can’t be_

_Is everything you should be._

_And that’s why I need you here._

_Everything I can’t be_

_Is everything you should be._

_And that’s why I need you here._

_So hear this now . . ._

Blaine didn’t want to send Kurt away; that’s what it felt like he would be doing if he asked Kurt to attend rehab. It would be hard on both of them to be apart for an entire month. But ultimately, Blaine knew Andrew was right. If something wasn’t done, Kurt would only continue to get worse and the next time he might not make it.

_Come home;_

_Come home._

_‘Cause I’ve been waiting for you_

_For so long;_

_For so long._

_Right now there's a war between the vanities_

_But all I see is you and me._

_The fight for you is all I’ve ever known;_

_Ever known._

_So come home;_

_Come home._

Blaine placed his hand on the bed beside where his other hand was clasped with Kurt’s. Finally, he drifted off to sleep.

Several hours later, Blaine awoke when he felt someone gently shaking his shoulder. Groggily, he lifted his head to see Cathy standing just behind him.

“Sorry to wake you, but I’m leaving soon and it’s time for Kurt’s sponge bath,” Cathy said apologetically.

“It’s okay,” Blaine said with a wide yawn.

“I’m guessing there’s no point in asking you to leave the room,” Cathy assumed correctly.

“No,” Blaine answered. “The first time I thought Mary was going to bodily remove me from the room, even after I assured her that it would not be the first time I saw my fiancé naked.”

“That’s Mary for you,” Cathy said with a laugh. “She’s been known to ask husbands to leave their wives. Can you please hold him up so I can untie the hospital gown?”

“Of course,” Blaine said.

He looked at Kurt’s prone form, not surprised to see Cathy had returned while he slept and turned Kurt once more so he was lying on his back. Every two hours, Kurt had to be turned so he would not develop bed sores.

Cathy released Kurt’s injured wrist from its restraint. Blaine slipped his arms under Kurt’s so his forearms were supporting his upper back. Cathy untied the gown and said, “Okay, you can lay him back down now.”

Blaine complied, stepping back so Cathy could pull the gown the rest of the way off. While Cathy mixed soapy water in a bucket, Blaine slid Kurt’s boxer briefs off, careful to not disconnect Kurt’s urinary catheter. Blaine stayed out of the way as Cathy meticulously bathed Kurt. When she finished, Blaine dressed Kurt in a clean gown and briefs while Cathy cleaned up.

“Are you sure you want to stay while I change his dressing?” Cathy asked gently.

“I was the one that found him . . . . _Nothing_ could _ever_ be worse than that,” Blaine said dismally.

Cathy nodded. Blaine sank into a chair on the opposite side of Kurt as Cathy unwrapped the bandage around Kurt’s wrist. The four cuts on Kurt’s arm were still stitched together; Dr. Cartwright said they would not be removed for another week.

“Do you think he’ll be able to use his hand?” Blaine asked. The question continued to weigh on his mind, and would do so until Kurt woke up and he got his answer.

“There’s no way to know for sure,” Cathy said.

Blaine nodded sadly. Cathy disappeared into the en suite bathroom to make fresh soapy water. She returned with the water and a hand towel. Cathy dipped the towel in the water and after she had wrung it out, gently wiped over the stitches on Kurt’s wrist.

“This prevents buildup of blood and other discharge so the stitches will come out easier,” Cathy explained as she worked.

Blaine watched as she dried the wounds before wrapping Kurt’s wrist with fresh gauze. She had just finished when the door was flung open.

“Finn, knock!” Rachel admonished.

“It’s fine,” Blaine said. “Cathy had already finished his bath.”

Finn blushed, grateful that he had not come in sooner. Rachel shook her head at her fiancé as she stepped further into the room. Cooper appeared behind her, placing both hands on Blaine’s shoulders. Blaine was glad to see him. Cooper had arrived several days ago and having his big brother there comforted him.

“How is he?” Burt asked as he took a seat on the bench under the window.

“He’s doing well,” Cathy answered.

“When will he wake up?” Finn asked.

“There’s no way to tell,” Cathy said sadly. “It could be days or weeks.”

They all knew it could be much longer before Kurt woke but no one stated the fact. An awkward silence filled the room and Cathy seized this as her moment to exit, telling Blaine she would see him that night.

“How are you?” Cooper asked, slumping into a chair beside his brother.

“Fine,” Blaine answered habitually.

“Oh, okay. How are you _really?”_ Cooper dismissed Blaine’s first answer completely.

“I’m a mess, Cooper; how do you think I am?” Blaine snapped. He immediately regretted it. “Coop, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be; it’s okay. You’re going through a lot right now; I understand,” Cooper brushed off the apology, draping an arm over Blaine’s shoulders.

“Have you had breakfast yet, sweetie?” Carole asked.

“Not yet,” Blaine answered with a shake of his head.

“I’ll go get you something,” Carole said as she rose to her feet.

“I’ll come with you. I’m hungry,” Finn said as he followed his mother towards the door.

“Finn, you just ate!” Rachel said incredulously.

“So?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rachel shook her head in amusement but didn’t say anything else. Satisfied that Rachel was not going to start a fight, Finn hurried after his mother.

The day progressed in the same fashion. The others passed the time with conversation; sometimes Blaine would join in, other times he would read, or just watch Kurt’s chest rise and fall. At lunchtime, the others left for the cafeteria, leaving Cooper with him. Blaine was glad that Cooper didn’t push him to talk, and instead sat in comfortable silence with his brother. Around seven o’clock, Finn’s stomach growled loudly.

“Can we go eat?” he asked.

“Are you ready to go, Burt?” Carole asked gently, not about to make Burt leave his son’s side before he was ready.

“Yeah, but let’s get Blaine something from the cafeteria first,” Burt answered.

“You don’t have to-” Blaine started.

“Yes, I do; you’re my son too, Blaine, and it is my job to take care of my sons,” Burt interrupted.

Blaine was speechless as Burt and Carole disappeared out the door. Everyone sat in silence for a while until Rachel spoke up.

“You really ought to come home with us, Blaine,” Rachel began. “It would do you some good to have a goodnight’s sleep in your own bed.”

“Don’t, Rachel,” Blaine said warningly.

“I’m only saying Kurt wouldn’t want you to waste away sitting by his bedside,” Rachel continued.

“Well, Kurt isn’t able to tell me to leave, is he?” Blaine snapped just as Burt and Carole entered the room.

“Come on, kids,” Burt said quickly as he placed a sandwich in front of Blaine. “It’s time to go.”

Rachel shot Blaine a look but followed Finn and Carole out of the room. Burt and Cooper both hesitated.

“You going to be okay?” Cooper asked.

“I’m fine,” Blaine answered automatically.

Burt frowned but didn’t say anything before exiting the room. Cooper gave Blaine a small smile.

“I love you, baby brother,” Cooper said.

“I love you too, big brother,” Blaine answered.

Cooper’s smile widened slightly and with a wave of his hand he was gone. Blaine slowly ate his sandwich even though his appetite had left with Rachel’s words. Sighing unhappily, he tossed his trash into the trash can and settled back into his seat, continuing to watch Kurt’s chest as it rose and fell. Blaine took Kurt’s hand in his and dropped his lips to Kurt’s fingers. He straightened back up and began to sing.

_Far across this red horizon,_

_I am walking down the line._

_I am picking up the pieces_

_That this storm has left behind._

Too many days had passed without Kurt waking. Blaine was trying so hard to stay strong but it was not an easy feat. He couldn’t help but feel alone even with Kurt’s family and Cooper surrounding him. Blaine was scrambling to pick up the pieces of his broken existence, but it was impossible with Kurt’s notable absence.

_After all the clouds are fallen,_

_I would breach the battered ground._

_Turn your darkness into light, love;_

_Turn your silence into sound._

Blaine wondered if there was anything he could have done to prevent this from happening. He knew thinking that way did nothing to help him, but he couldn’t stop the question from floating through his mind. What if Blaine had gone straight to the apartment instead of to the park?

_But I can’t cage you in my arms._

_When my heart is jumping forward_

_To avoid your false alarms._

_And you can’t tell me not to stay._

_When I opened up your window_

_And I watched you fly away._

The fact of the matter was that there was little he could have done to stop Kurt. Blaine could not protect Kurt from everything, especially not himself. It was hard for Blaine to accept that fact but he knew he had to.

_Have you raised the final anchor?_

_Have you cut the lesson free?_

_Sending off our due redemption,_

_Like a funeral at sea._

Blaine could only hope that this was the final straw. He hoped Kurt would finally realize how badly he needed help and would consent to inpatient treatment. But if Kurt refused, there was little that could be done. Kurt was an adult and short of having him declared mentally incompetent by the court, they could not force him into treatment.

_I will always hear you calling._

_You’re the sway of falling leaves._

_Like a bird you’ll spiral onward._

_And you know just where I’ll be._

Blaine knew it would not be easy on their relationship if Kurt went to treatment. They had not spent a month apart since they had met. Blaine was determined to find an answer to this. There had to be some way he could stay near Kurt even if he was in a rehabilitation center.

_And I can’t cage you in my arms._

_When my heart is jumping forward_

_To avoid your false alarms._

_And you can’t tell me not to stay._

_When I opened up your window_

_And I watched you fly away._

Again, Rachel’s words echoed through Blaine’s mind. He would give anything to hear Kurt’s voice, even if he was sending him away. No one seemed to understand that Blaine _couldn’t_ leave Kurt. If anything changed . . . if he woke up, Blaine had to be there when it happened.

_And I can’t cage you in my arms._

_When my heart is jumping forward_

_To avoid your false alarms._

_And you can’t tell me not to stay._

_When I opened up your window_

_And I watched you fly away._

Tears streamed down Blaine’s face as he continued to sing and fear gripped his heart. What if nothing changed? What if Kurt never awoke? No, he couldn’t think that way. Kurt _would_ wake up. Kurt _would_ come back to him.

_I am closing up my window,_

_Till I see a blue horizon._

_And the quiet calm of love will fly my way._

Blaine lay his head on the bed beside his and Kurt’s clasped hands and drifted off to sleep. Hours later, Blaine awoke. Groggily, he raised his head from the bed, trying to remember what had woken him.

Then it hit him, the flutter of fingers against his hand, fingers that weren’t his. Blaine’s eyes flew to Kurt’s face, just in time to see his fiancé open his beautiful cerulean eyes.


	17. Chapter 16:  Awake

Chapter Sixteen:  Awake

Friday November 9, 2012

Everything was bright white. Too bright. Kurt closed his eyes tight, trying to block out the light. His head swam as he tried to focus on the sounds around him. He realized someone was calling his name . . . no, not just someone:  Blaine. Kurt opened his eyes, slower this time. Blaine’s face swam before him, his eyes filled with tears. Kurt’s eyelids felt heavy and they began to droop once again.

“Kurt, stay with me!” he heard Blaine’s voice again. “Stay with me, Kurt!”

Kurt forced his eyes open once more and relief washed over Blaine’s countenance. Then Blaine was calling out a name that was unfamiliar, something that sounded like Cathy, or maybe Catty but that was stupid, who would name their child Catty?

“B-Blaine,” Kurt managed to speak. The word ended in a groan; his throat was dry and it hurt to speak. Kurt wanted to ask where he was, but he didn’t dare try to speak again.

Instead, he focused his eyes on his surroundings. The walls were white and bare. To the left was a door that opened to an even brighter hallway and to the right was a window with a bench underneath. It looked like someone had been sleeping there, probably Blaine Kurt concluded. A pitcher of water was on a table nearby. Blaine followed Kurt’s gaze.

“Do you want some water?” Blaine asked.

Kurt tried to nod but his head felt so heavy and everything was woozy. Instead he blinked twice. Thankfully, Blaine understood and reached for the pitcher but before he could pour water into a cup people were streaming into the room:  a man wearing a white coat, a woman in blue scrubs, and another in purple. As they swarmed around him Kurt realized they must be a doctor and nurses. The nurse with purple scrubs took Blaine by the shoulders and gently pushed him away from the bed.

"No, please, he needs me!” Blaine exclaimed, trying to reach Kurt’s side.

“Blaine, let us do our jobs. You can remain in the room just stay out of the way while we work,” the nurse who had moved Blaine said in a soothing voice.    Blaine blinked back tears but reluctantly moved to the bench under the window.

Kurt opened his mouth to attempt to speak but before he could a thermometer was thrust under his tongue. A blood pressure cuff was placed around his arm; the doctor flashed a light into his eyes, moving his finger in front of his face.

“Kurt, I’m Dr. Cartwright. Can you hear me?” he asked in a deep voice.

Kurt nodded.

“Good, can you follow my finger?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

His eyes followed the path of the doctor’s finger. Satisfied, Dr. Cartwright removed the stethoscope from around his neck and placed the bell against his chest.

“Deep breaths,” Dr. Cartwright instructed.

Kurt obliged, turning his head to look at Blaine with fearful eyes. Blaine smiled weakly.

“It’s okay, love. You’re okay,” Blaine said in his most comforting voice. Trusting Blaine, Kurt turned back to Dr. Cartwright.

“We’re going to sit you up now,” Dr. Cartwright said.

With a nurse on either side of him, they took Kurt by the shoulders and gently held him up so Dr. Cartwright could listen to his lungs from his back. After all of his vitals had been taken, Blaine was allowed to return to his side.

“Kurt, can you tell me what year it is?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. Why would he ask such a stupid question? He tried to speak but all that came out was a groan as his dry throat protested.

“He needs water,” Blaine said.

He quickly poured a cup of water and cupping the back of Kurt’s head in one hand, raised his head and pressed the lip of the cup to his mouth. Kurt drank thirstily and when the cup was empty, Blaine poured another one. Kurt drank slower this time, his eyes never leaving Blaine’s face. When he had drunk the second cup of water, Blaine lowered Kurt’s head back down.

“Kurt, what year is it?” Dr. Cartwright repeated.

“2012,” Kurt answered, the loudness of his own voice surprising him.

“And who is the president of the United States?” Dr. Cartwright asked.

“Barack Obama,” Kurt responded.

“Good,” Dr. Cartwright said. “Do you remember what happened to you?”

Kurt closed his eyes, trying to recall the last moments before the blackness overtook him. He remembered Blaine dragging him to Andrew’s office; he remembered Blaine and Andrew insisting he was underweight, that he had an eating disorder; he remembered fleeing. Then the worst memory returned to him:  the cool press of metal against his skin, his flesh parting beneath the sharp edge of the blade, and blood, so much blood.

In a shaky voice, Kurt repeated his memories to Dr. Cartwright. Blaine squeezed his right hand comfortingly. When he was finished, Dr. Cartwright spoke up.

“Kurt, when Blaine here found you, you had already lost a lot of blood. You were clinically dead for two minutes before Blaine could revive you.”

Kurt’s eyes snapped to Blaine’s face. There were tears in both their eyes as Kurt gasped out, “I’m so sorry, Blaine; I’m so sorry.”

“I know, baby. You’re fine now. You’re okay,” Blaine replied. He raised Kurt’s hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss to each knuckle.

“Kurt,” Dr. Cartwright said, waiting for Kurt to give him his attention once more before continuing. “Your wounds were so deep they were almost to the bone; you cut through several nerves and tendons. You required over eleven-hundred sutures. By the time you arrived, you were in severe hypovolemic shock. En route to the hospital, you had a heart attack in the ambulance; you suffered another one during surgery. We’ve been taking EKGs every day and so far everything is normal. You won’t be able to use your left hand for several months though while those tendons and nerves heal.”

“My left hand,” Kurt asked. Horror washed over him. “I can’t feel my left hand!”

**K/B**

Burt burst into Finn and Rachel’s room without knocking. The couple was still asleep; Burt seized Finn’s shoulder and shook him roughly.

“Finn, wake up!” he ordered.

“Huh? What’s going on?” Finn asked sleepily, opening his eyes to see his stepfather towering over him.

“Kurt’s awake.”

**K/B**

Blaine and Kurt looked up as Burt literally ran into the room, Carole following close behind him. Burt froze on the spot when he saw his son sitting up in bed, cuddled against his fiancé’s chest. His left arm was in a sling, ensuring he couldn’t use his wrist or hand. Blaine immediately slipped off the bed, dropping into the seat by Kurt’s side.

“Kurt.” Burt exhaled in relief.

“Hi, Dad,” Kurt said with a bright smile.

Burt knew people looked at him and assumed he was a tough man, but the truth was he was a big softie. And now, looking at his son, he dissolved into tears.

“Dad, don’t cry,” Kurt said with a frown.

Burt enveloped his son in his arms, holding him tightly.

“Kurt, you don’t understand. I didn’t know if you’d ever wake up,” Burt said tearfully. “I almost lost you.”

“But you didn’t,” Kurt said through his tears. “Blaine saved me.”

Kurt looked at his fiancé over his father’s shoulder.

“Blaine always saves me,” Kurt said with reverence.

“And I always will,” Blaine returned.

Burt smiled fondly at his two sons; and that’s what Blaine was, regardless of blood. He had saved Kurt’s life more than once and this time Kurt had _died_ but Blaine brought him back. Burt could never repay Blaine for that.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Kurt,” Carole said.

“I am too, Mom,” Kurt said.

Carole pressed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead.

“Your brother wanted to come but as visiting hours haven’t started yet they’d only allow us to see you,” she told him as she straightened up.

“I’m sure he and Rachel are waiting in the parking lot now,” Kurt said with a chuckle.

“And Cooper,” Blaine interjected. “He came in from Los Angeles.”

The nurse dressed in purple scrubs, who Kurt had learned was named Cathy, entered the room before Kurt could ask any questions. She was pushing an empty wheelchair in front of her.

“I’m sorry, folks, but I’m here to take Kurt for his MRI,” Cathy said cheerfully. “Do you think you can manage the wheelchair or should I wheel your bed down there?”

“The wheelchair is fine,” Kurt assured her. He swung his legs over the side of the bed but before he could stand Blaine was standing in front of him.

“Let me help,” Blaine said.

“I can do it, Blaine,” Kurt said. He didn’t want to be treated like an invalid.

“Please,” Blaine insisted, giving Kurt his best puppy dog eyes.

Kurt melted instantly, smiling as he consented, “Fine.”

Blaine slipped under Kurt’s good arm, holding him tightly around the waist as he helped him to stand. After lying in bed for a week, Kurt’s legs weren’t used to bearing his weight; Kurt stumbled, falling into Blaine’s chest.

“I’ve got you,” Blaine said. Ignoring Kurt’s protests, he swept Kurt off his feet and deposited him in the wheelchair.

“This shouldn’t take long,” Cathy assured the group. She began to wheel Kurt out of the room, laughing when Blaine tried to follow. “Blaine, I’m sorry but you have to stay here.”

“But-”

“No buts,” Cathy cut off his remonstration.

“Blaine, I’ll be fine,” Kurt assured him. “It’s just an MRI to make sure everything’s still intact with my arm.”

“I can’t leave you,” Blaine said seriously.

Kurt eyed him carefully, raising one eyebrow.

“You haven’t left since I was admitted, have you?”

Blaine didn’t bother lying; he knew Kurt would see right through it. Instead he said, “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“Baby, I will be okay, I promise.” Kurt took Blaine’s hand, tugging him forward. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever.”

“And always,” Blaine finished.

Kurt smiled, pulling Blaine down for a kiss before Cathy shooed Blaine out of the way and disappeared with Kurt. Blaine sighed heavily, turning back to face Burt and Carole.

“It’s just a routine MRI, honey,” Carole assured him.

“You should’ve known Kurt wouldn’t let you stay with him 24/7 once he woke up,” Burt said, clasping Blaine on the shoulder. “That son of mine is too headstrong. Then again, so is his fiancé.”

Blaine chuckled. With a smile he said, “Thanks, Dad.”

Blaine froze, his eyes widening comically. Burt didn’t hesitate before pulling Blaine in for a hug, blinking back tears that he hoped Blaine wouldn’t notice.

“You’re welcome, son.”

Blaine relaxed in Burt’s embrace. Carole smiled at the two of them. Seeing her watching them, Blaine pulled her into the hug. Carole threw her head back, laughing gleefully. When they broke apart, Blaine was struck with a thought.

“I’m going to go down to the gift shop and get Kurt some flowers. Do you need anything?” he asked.

“We’re fine, sweetheart. Take your time,” Carole said with a smile.

Blaine patted his pocket to make sure he had his wallet before leaving the Hudmels with one last smile.

**K/B**

When Blaine returned to the room, Kurt was sitting up in bed talking with his father and stepmother. Blaine strode into the room. Kurt smiled when he saw him, narrowing his eyes as he realized Blaine was hiding something behind his back.

“What are you hiding?” Kurt asked.

Grinning widely, Blaine pulled a red and white bouquet of flowers from behind his back. Kurt smiled brilliantly, accepting the bouquet from his fiancé.

“Blaine,” Kurt breathed.

“There are snowdrops for hope, Chinese chrysanthemums for cheerfulness under adversity, red sweet Williams for gallantry, and roses of red and white together for unity,” Blaine said.

“Come here,” Kurt said, tugging Blaine down onto the bed beside him. He wrapped his good arm around his fiancé, kissing him deeply.

Burt cleared his throat; the boys pulled apart.

“I have a vase,” Blaine said, producing one in his other hand.

Carole took the vase from Blaine and the flowers from Kurt, saying, “I’ll put these in some water.”

Kurt settled himself in Blaine’s arms, listening to the beating of his lover’s heart. Carole pulled Burt to his feet, ushering him towards the door.

“We’re going to see if Finn, Rachel and Cooper are here,” Carole said.

Kurt and Blaine both knew she was giving them an excuse for a moment alone, and they were grateful. The morning had been very overwhelming and they had scarcely had a moment alone as the hospital staff were constantly bustling in and out of the room.

Once they’d left, Kurt looked up at Blaine.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“What’re you talking about?” Blaine asked in confusion.

“I’ve put you through so much already, and now this. . . . It’s not fair to you, Blaine. I hate myself for hurting you,” Kurt said, his eyes filling with tears.

“Don’t you dare say that, Kurt Hummel. I would do anything for you; you know that,” Blaine said.

“How did I get here? How did I become this person?” Kurt asked through his tears.

“Kurt-”

“Don’t, please, just let me. . . .”

Kurt wiped his tears away as he began to sing.

_I open my eyes;_

_I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light._

_I can’t remember how;_

_I can’t remember why_

_I’m lying here tonight._

When Kurt had first hurt himself, he never could have imagined how bad things would become. He never thought he would die from blood loss. He never thought Blaine would have to save his life by administering CPR. He never thought he would have possible permanent nerve damage to his hand. But all of that had happened and there was nothing Kurt could do to change it.

_And I can’t stand the pain;_

_And I can’t make it go away._

_No, I can’t stand the pain._

Kurt knew he had to stop hurting himself; he just didn’t know how. Self-harm was the only way he could control the pain he felt every day. Without it, who knew where he would end up? Kurt was afraid of the answer to that question.

_How could this happen to me?_

_I made my mistakes._

_I’ve got nowhere to run;_

_The night goes on_

_As I’m fading away._

_I’m sick of this life._

_I just wanna scream._

_How could this happen to me?_

Kurt hated the person he had become. He used to be happy; now he was miserable. With everything he had been through the past few years, Kurt doubted he would ever be happy again. Of course Blaine made him happy but there was only so much even Blaine could do. The fact of the matter was Kurt had made his mistakes and he couldn’t run from them. Now he had to find a way to live with them without hurting himself.

_Everybody’s screaming;_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me._

_I’m slipping off the edge;_

_I’m hanging by a thread._

_I wanna start this over again._

Inside, Kurt felt as if he was screaming for help. But no one heard him, not until it was too late. By the time Blaine found out the extent of Kurt’s self-destructiveness he had already slipped over the edge of despair. He was scrambling to find a rope to climb back up but there was none to be found.

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered._

_And I can’t explain what happened;_

_And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done._

_No, I can’t._

Kurt wished there was a rewind button on life. He would go back to that faithful night and stop himself from ever cutting into his own skin. But Kurt had no explanation for why things had happened the way they had. Some may say it was God’s will but Kurt didn’t believe in God. If there were a God, he could easily erase everything that had happened. Nothing would ever be erased.

_How could this happen to me?_

_I made my mistakes._

_I’ve got nowhere to run;_

_The night goes on_

_As I’m fading away._

_I’m sick of this life._

_I just wanna scream._

_How could this happen to me?_

His entire life was falling apart before his eyes and he couldn’t stop it. Not only was Kurt’s Broadway career over before it began, the reality of being a NYADA student was harrowing. Kurt was tired of this life. He didn’t feel he could live it anymore, but what other choice did he have?

_I made my mistakes._

_I’ve got nowhere to run;_

_The night goes on_

_As I’m fading away._

_I’m sick of this life._

_I just wanna scream._

_How could this happen to me?_

Tears were spilling down Blaine’s face when Kurt finished singing. He tilted Kurt’s head up, brushing their lips together softly.

“I love you so much, Kurt. You’re the love of my life, and no matter what, I’m going to help you get better. I promise you that,” Blaine said.

Kurt was too touched to speak. Blaine smiled softly before sealing the promise with a kiss.

**K/B**

“I’m hungry,” Finn said from his seat under the window.

“You just ate,” Kurt said in disbelief. He would never get used to his stepbrother’s appetite.

“That was like twenty minutes ago,” Finn answered.

“Mom, I don’t know how you could afford to feed him as a single mother for so many years,” Kurt said jokingly.

“I managed somehow,” Carole said with a laugh.

Kurt shifted, jostling his arm in the sling. He groaned in pain, causing Blaine to jerk upright from where he was leaning back against the raised bed beside Kurt.

“What’s wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“Relax, my arm just hurts,” Kurt answered.

“Should I get a nurse?” Blaine asked.

Before Kurt could say no, Cathy was entering the room with an EKG machine. Blaine immediately slipped off the bed, moving out of the way so Cathy could reach Kurt.

“His arm hurts!” Blaine said hurriedly.

“It’s not that bad,” Kurt said exasperatedly.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?” Cathy asked, moving the machine over to Kurt.

“A six,” Kurt answered. “Honestly, it’s nothing I can’t live with.”

“I’ll go get you some pain medicine anyway to pacify your fiancé,” Cathy said with a smile.

“Thank you,” Blaine said.

As soon as Cathy left the room, Kurt turned to glare at Blaine.

“Why did you do that? I’m fine.”

“You’re in pain.”

“I’ve had worse.”

“That’s beside the point. You’re hurting _now,”_ Blaine stressed.

Before Kurt could argue further, Cathy had returned with a syringe. Kurt’s IV had been removed as he no longer required antibiotics or fluids. His feeding tube and urinary catheter had also been removed. He was still on a liquid diet as he had gone so long without solid food in his stomach but the doctors had assured Blaine it was only for the time being.

Cathy inserted the syringe into Kurt’s PICC line and injected the medication. No sooner had Cathy administered the medication than her pager went off. She looked at the screen, furrowing her brow.

“I have to take care of this. I’ll be back to change your dressing and take an EKG in a few,” Cathy said before leaving the room.

Kurt felt the cool liquid of the medication spreading through his veins and couldn’t suppress a shiver.

“Do you need another blanket?” Blaine asked, already looking for one.

“Blaine, please, stop worrying so much. I promise if I need something I will tell you,” Kurt told him.

Blaine looked at him sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you’re concerned.”

“We all are,” Rachel interjected.

“And I wish you wouldn’t,” Kurt said, trying to hide his frustration.

“You stopped breathing, Kurt,” Blaine reminded him.

“Okay, everybody, let’s calm down,” Cooper said before things could escalate. “Let’s focus on the positives here. Kurt is going to be okay and soon he will be back home where he belongs.”

A strange look crossed Blaine’s face but before Kurt could ask any questions the medication kicked in and he was suddenly very tired. He blinked his eyes sleepily, fighting off a yawn.

“Feeling better?” Blaine asked, reaching out to take Kurt’s good hand.

“Yeah,” Kurt said dreamily.

Cathy reentered the room, laughing when she saw the dazed expression on Kurt’s face. She said, “I gather the medicine’s working.”

“It certainly appears that way,” Blaine answered.

“I’m going to change your bandage first, Kurt,” Cathy said.

“Okay,” Kurt answered, allowing Cathy to slip his arm out of the sling.

Cathy removed the bandages from Kurt’s wrist. She washed them slowly, trying to be as gentle as possible. Still, the pain of a wound so deep remained as Cathy cleansed it and Kurt hissed in pain. His mind was cleared from its drug-induced fog instantly.

“I’m sorry,” Cathy said. “I’m almost done.”

She rewrapped his wounds, tossing the old dressing in the trash.

“Now for the EKG. I’ll have to remove your gown. Are you wearing underwear?” she asked.

Kurt paused, answering slowly, “I don’t know.”

Finn laughed loudly. “You don’t know if you’re wearing underwear?”

“He’s on pain medication,” Blaine said, moving to Kurt’s side once more. He pulled the gown away from Kurt’s chest, peering down at his boyfriend’s body. “Yes, he’s wearing underwear.”

“Dude, really?” Cooper said as Finn asked, “Seriously?”

“Oh, come on. They’re engaged _and_ they’re living together,” Burt said, shocking everyone. “It’s hardly surprising that they’re comfortable seeing each other naked.”

“Okay, moving on,” Cathy interrupted. “Kurt, can you sit up so I can untie your gown?”

Kurt complied, moving his arms to help Cathy slip the gown off of him. He let his gaze wander around the room as she stuck the electrodes to his torso and then attached the leads. As Cathy began to fiddle with the machine, Kurt’s eyes met Finn’s.

“You’re staring,” Kurt said matter-of-factly. Normally, he would try to hide his body away from anybody that wasn’t Blaine but under the influence of pain medication he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“I’m sorry,” Finn said automatically.

“I know they’re ugly,” Kurt said, looking away.

Blaine opened his mouth to speak but Finn was already saying, “They’re not.”

Kurt turned to look at Finn in surprise. “What?”

“I said they’re not ugly. Your scars, I mean. You shouldn’t be ashamed, Kurt. They tell the story of your past and how you survived through it all,” Finn said wisely.

Maybe it was the drugs, but Kurt was too stunned to speak.

“He’s right,” Cathy said as she unhooked Kurt from the EKG machine.

No one else spoke, but no words were needed. They were comfortable in their silence.

**K/B**

“You’re _going_ home,” Kurt said with finality.

“I’m not leaving you,” Blaine persisted.

“Blaine, you haven’t been home in a week. Go home, shower, and sleep in your own bed.”

“ _Our_ bed.”

“Fine, then go sleep in _our_ bed.”

“I’m _not_ leaving.”

“Blaine Devon Anderson, if you don’t go home tonight I _won’t_ let you in this room tomorrow.”

"You’re not serious,” Blaine gaped at him.

Kurt gave him his best bitch glare.

“Fine, but I’m calling you before bed and first thing in the morning,” Blaine finally gave in.

“I’m sure you’ll call more than twice,” Kurt said teasingly.

“Shut up,” Blaine said fondly before kissing him.

“Mm,” Kurt groaned when Blaine ended the kiss, pulling him back for another one. When they broke apart again, Kurt pushed him away. “Okay, go before I change my mind.”

“I love you,” Blaine said with a smile.

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”

Blaine reluctantly left his fiancé in the hospital. It felt weird walking into the penthouse with his friends and family, especially without Kurt. After all, he hadn’t been home in a week and hadn’t been away from Kurt for just as long. Blaine bid everyone goodnight, trudging up the stairs to the master suite. He froze when he entered the bedroom. _Blood_. He had forgotten about the blood.

Their formerly white comforter was stained with dried blood. Blaine slowly walked around the bed, staring at the trail of blood that led from the bed to the bathroom. Moving quickly, Blaine grabbed the first cleaning agent he found in the bathroom and began to scrub at the floor with a sponge. He scrubbed harder and harder but still the blood wouldn’t disappear from the formerly white carpet. Frustrated and hurting, Blaine crumpled inward. He couldn’t restrain loud sobs from escaping his throat as he lay on the floor that was stained with his fiancé’s blood. He heard footsteps but didn’t acknowledge whoever entered the room.

“Blaine, what’s wrong?” Cooper asked, kneeling beside his brother on the ground.

“Blaine?” Rachel asked when he didn’t answer.

“His blood,” Blaine said helplessly.

Cooper and Rachel exchanged a look, knowing they couldn’t allow Blaine to stay in the room until the carpet and comforter had been replaced. Cooper lifted Blaine to his feet, guiding him from the room.

“Come on, little brother, you can sleep with me tonight. Just like old times, right?” Cooper said, remembering when Blaine was little and snuck into his bed after a nightmare.

Blaine didn’t speak as Cooper guided him through the house to the guest room. (Burt and Carole had insisted on getting a room in the hotel beneath the apartments.) Rachel followed several minutes later, having searched through Blaine’s dresser until she found a pair of pajamas for him to change into.

“He’ll be okay,” Cooper assured her when she was reluctant to leave.

“If you need anything I’m right down the hall,” Rachel said. She pressed a kiss to Blaine’s forehead before slipping out of the room.

“Come on, Bee, let’s get you ready for bed.”

Cooper managed to rouse Blaine to change and brush his teeth before he collapsed into bed, falling asleep instantly. Cooper slid into bed next to him, watching his little brother as he slept. He knew he had made the right decision coming to New York.

**K/B**

Saturday November 10, 2012

“Hello, Kurt. How are you feeling?” Andrew asked as he entered the hospital room.

“The pain isn’t too bad right now,” he answered.

“That’s good. I was worried when I spoke to your roommate, Rachel I believe,” Andrew said, sitting opposite Blaine on Kurt’s other side. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thank you. You didn’t come here just to make small talk, did you?” Kurt asked insightfully.

“No, I didn’t,” Andrew answered. “I wanted to discuss your treatment plan.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked.

“Kurt, it’s my recommendation that you enter in-patient treatment at a rehabilitation center.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sorry I didn’t update last week. I was incredibly sick and my mom went into the hospital again two weeks back so I’ve been busy taking care of her now that she’s home. I’ll try to update weekly but I can’t make any promises. Here’s a super long chapter to tide you over until next time! Oh, and happy Klaine week everyone!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Untitled” belongs to Simple Plan.


	18. Chapter 17:  An Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know it’s been a long time since my last update and I’m very sorry for that. My major depression was seriously exacerbated which resulted in hospitalization; I had to take care of myself before I could do anything else. As of now, I’m in a better place and while I’m still struggling; I have good days and bad, I hope I’ll soon get back to where I’m actually wanting to write whereas before I was so down I didn’t even see the appeal in the action itself. So with that in mind, here is the latest chapter.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “If I Walk Away” belongs to Josh Groban.

Chapter Seventeen:  An Ultimatum

Saturday November 10, 2012

_“I wanted to discuss your treatment plan.”_

_“What do you mean?” Kurt asked._

_“Kurt, it's my recommendation that you enter in-patient treatment at a rehabilitation center,” Andrew said._

_R-rehab?”_ Kurt stammered. “I-I can’t go to rehab! I have classes! I have a life!”

“Kurt, listen to me. You have to understand the seriousness of the situation you are in. You cut yourself nearly down to the bone, severing multiple tendons and nerves. You were clinically dead; Blaine administered life-saving CPR. And as if that weren’t already enough, you suffered two heart attacks.

“Kurt, you will never be the same and I’m not just talking about your wrist and hand. Your heart has been weakened by both heart attacks. You will have to be very careful for the rest of your life because there _is_ a possibility if you fall victim to another cardiac arrest, you could not survive,” Andrew finished his speech.

“There’s _always_ a chance with cardiac arrest that you won’t survive,” Kurt muttered under his breath.

“Kurt!” Blaine said sharply.

“So, what, I’m just supposed to put my life on hold for a month while I go sit in a circle and talk about my feelings?” Kurt asked. Blaine sighed. This was going exactly how he had expected.

“You have to take care of yourself first, Kurt, before you can worry about the other aspects of your life,” Andrew responded. “And starving yourself, cutting and burning yourself, this is not healthy. This is self-destructive and it _has_ to stop.”

“Why do you make it sound like this is an ultimatum?” Kurt asked.

“Because it is,” Blaine said reluctantly. He knew this was coming, but even with that knowledge he was not prepared for the pain he felt as the words left his mouth.

“Y-you’re leaving me?” Kurt asked, his face frozen in shock.

 _“I’m_ not going anywhere. I’m giving _you_ a choice:  you can have your razorblades _or_ you can have me. But you can’t have _both_ , Kurt. Not anymore,” Blaine said, finally breaking down as tears streamed down his face. “I’ve fought for you for so long, you know I have. I’ve been by your side every step of the way. But in the end it doesn’t matter because you _always_ choose _it_ over _me_. And I _can’t_ watch you do this to yourself anymore, Kurt. I _won’t_.

“But I made a promise to you a long time ago that I would never leave you, and I’m not about to break that promise. So I’m giving you a choice:  you can stay with me or you can take your blades and leave.”

Kurt’s cerulean eyes were filled with tears as he looked at Blaine. He felt his heart would beat through his chest and he couldn’t slow down his breathing if he tried. But somehow he managed to get out the words, _“You,_ of course I choose you, it’s _always_ been you.”

Blaine fell into bed beside Kurt, hugging him tightly. They clung to each other, wishing in that moment that they could become one being.  Kurt began to cough through his sobs and Blaine jumped back, offering him a cup of water. He sipped from the cup, his eyes trained on Blaine. When he was done, he turned to face Andrew.

“Where do we go from here?”

“There is a treatment program called Self-Abuse Finally Ends otherwise known as S.A.F.E. Alternatives located in St. Charles, Missouri. They specialize in treating self-injurers over the age of eighteen.  S.A.F.E. is the only institute of its kind,” Andrew said as if this fact would distract Kurt from the geological factor. Of course, the distraction tactic didn’t work.

 _“Missouri!_ I can’t go to Missouri! What about Blaine?” Kurt exclaimed, jumping from the bed.

“Baby, _please_ , calm down. You’re going to have an anxiety attack if you’re not careful,” Blaine said gently. He took Kurt by the hands and led him back to the bed. Blaine breathed with him until Kurt was sufficiently calmed then turned to Andrew. “Andrew, would you mind giving us a minute?”

“Of course not,” he answered, rising from his seat. “I’ll be out in the hall if you need me.”

Blaine waited until Andrew had pulled the door closed behind him to speak.

“Baby, what scares you the most out of this whole ordeal?”

“Everything,” Kurt answered softly, rising from the bed to look out the window. “The whole thing is terrifying.”

“It is,” Blaine agreed.

“I can’t be away from you for a month,” Kurt said tearfully, turning his back to the window. “I need you by my side.”

“And that’s where I’ll be. I’m going with you, Kurt. I haven’t spoken to Andrew yet but I’m going to find an apartment in St. Charles to lease for a month. As long as you’re there, I’m there. I’m not about to let you go through this on your own. You’re my fiancé, the love of my life, _my soul mate_. Nothing will keep us apart. Nothing,” Blaine promised.

“You’d really do that for me?” Kurt asked, amazed that Blaine would go to such lengths to keep them together.

“That and more,” Blaine promised.

“Because I’m really going to need you now, more than ever,” Kurt said, stepping forwards so he was standing in between Blaine’s legs. Blaine took Kurt’s hands in his, running his thumb over the engagement ring that adorned Kurt’s left ring finger.

“When are you going to realize that I’m not going anywhere? Five months ago, I got down on one knee and told you that I had one certainty in my life and that was you. And today you proved that nothing has changed. Now, you just have to believe it.”

Kurt smiled, walking away backward so Blaine could hold onto his hands until the last second. Then he turned to look out the window and began to sing.

_Lately, I’ve been the quiet one_

_Waiting, searching the lines of the songs you played for me._

_Sailing into the misty air_

_Fading, bound for I don’t know where;_

_When I’m there I’ll see._

Kurt watched the people walk by on the sidewalk below, all oblivious to the troubles of the patients of the psychiatric unit of Bellevue hospital above them. The city was always so loud, but in here it was quiet; too quiet. Kurt was used to being surrounded by music but in the hospital his life had been mostly void of that pleasure. His life was void of most things:  stagnant.

_And if I walk away,_

_Please follow me._

_If I walk away,_

_Please follow me._

He turned to face Blaine, slowly walking towards him. Blaine seized Kurt’s hands when he was near enough and pulled him even closer as they began to sway to the sound of Kurt’s beautiful countertenor.

_Weightless, drifting through stars I got,_

_Faithless, woke in the dark and I made this from my dream._

_Play me all your sweet rhymes,_

_Recreate me, now comes the time when I’ll need your truth to see._

As Kurt held the last note out of the first stanza, Blaine echoed after him to join him in harmony for the second stanza. They repeated this again with eyes only for each other. Kurt felt fear threatening to overtake him but he refused to let it. Blaine had promised to never leave him, and he had just proved that he did not take that promise lightly.

_And if I walk away,_

_(Walk away)_

_Please follow me._

_If I walk away,_

_(Walk away)_

_Please follow me!_

Kurt didn’t know how the rehabilitation facility would take to Blaine’s presence in St. Charles but he didn’t care. He couldn’t do this without Blaine; it would be hard enough to be without his dad, Carole, Rachel, and Finn.

_Walk away,_

_Let the fear fall away_

_Into the fire you made,_

_Scarlet and gold!_

Blaine held Kurt close as they danced around the room, joining him to sing the first line in unison. He caught Kurt’s eye and was so captivated in all the emotion he saw there that he was too startled to sing the first half of the second stanza but came back to himself for the second half.

_Walk away,_

_Head for the light of day!_

_Follow a brighter way_

_Out of the cold and dark,_

_Down to the one bright spark,_

_Futures that all might start_

_Someday!_

Kurt felt as if his entire future had been put on hold. So much had to be done before their departure. Classes had to be dropped and Blaine had to find an apartment that would accept only a month’s lease. Kurt would never have asked Blaine to join him in Missouri, but he should have known he would never let him go alone. Kurt wondered if Blaine realized his future had also stalled out.

_So if I walk away,_

_(Walk away!)_

_Please follow me!_

_If I walk away,_

_(Walk away!)_

_Please follow me!_

Blaine could tell Kurt was beginning to feel fatigued and led him towards the bed. Kurt sank onto the mattress, singing the last lines of the song softly.

_Fragments shells of a long ago lifetime,_

_Faces that once were mine_

_Thrown down by the sea._

_If I walk away,_

_Please follow me._

_If I walk away,_

_Would you please follow me?_

“I will always follow you, no matter where or when. I would go to the end of the earth for you if you asked,” Blaine said as he poured Kurt a cup of water.

Kurt drank deeply before saying, “So we’re really doing this? Dropping our classes, going to Missouri for a month?”

“That’s up to you, baby,” Blaine answered softly. His eyes were filled with hope; hope that Kurt would agree to seek treatment because if not, Blaine knew he couldn’t continue to watch Kurt self-destruct.

Instead of offering a clear answer, Kurt asked, “Can you find Andrew?”

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows but nodded. True to his word, Andrew was waiting in the hall outside Kurt’s room. Blaine led him back inside. The two men looked at Kurt expectantly.

Kurt swallowed past the lump of cold fear that had formed in his throat. He drew on all of his courage and asked, “When will I be admitted to S.A.F.E.?”


	19. Chapter 18:  Perfect Imperfection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you everyone for your well wishes. I still struggle but I’m doing a lot better mentally. Physically, however, is another story. I was diagnosed with Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia and will undergo heart surgery within the next year. I don’t know how often I will update as I’m back in school, but I’m going to try for monthly.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.

Chapter 18:  Perfect Imperfection

Friday November 16, 2012

“Don’t lie to me,” Kurt said, staring at the doorknob to the master suite he shared with Blaine in their apartment. “How bad is it?”

Blaine sighed, tearing his own eyes away from the locked door that stood between them and their home. “It’s bad, Kurt, _really_ bad. . . . We don’t have to do this. We can stay in the guest room until I get everything replaced. Cooper won’t mind staying in a hotel.”

“No, I won’t get anywhere by avoiding this. Besides, Cooper is staying for Thanksgiving and I won’t have him staying in a hotel when we have a perfectly good guest room which he has already made use of for over a week,” Kurt shook his head resolutely. “Open the door.”

Blaine drew in a deep breath, produced the key to the master suite and opened the door. Kurt stepped in first, steeling himself for the horrific sight that was surely awaiting him. Instead, there was nothing. Where there should have been evidence of the trauma that had taken place there was pristine white carpet. Shocked, Kurt turned to Blaine.

“Is this a joke?”

"If it is I’m not in on it,” Blaine replied. He cautiously made his way to the bedroom, but the bloodstained carpet had also been replaced here and the duvet was now light blue with brown accents.

“I thought you said everything was still covered in . . . blood,” Kurt said, walking around the bed in wonder.

"It was,” Rachel’s voice said from behind Kurt.

He spun around to see her step onto the landing from the staircase that led to the lower level of the penthouse.

“You did this?” Kurt asked, touched by the girl’s foresight. He had been dreading the sight of his blood in the master suite ever since the subject of his discharge from the hospital had come up.

“Finn, Burt, and Cooper replaced the carpet while Carole and I picked out new linens for the bed,” Rachel supplied nervously. She didn’t know how Kurt would take to his “perfect” bedroom being intruded on by another person’s purchase but Rachel and Carole had done their best to make selections in Kurt’s style. She was shocked when Kurt pulled her into a tight embrace.

“Ouch,” he said when his left arm became trapped between their bodies. Rachel sprang away from him instantly but Kurt pulled her into his side, hugging her as best he could.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked in concern. “You need to be careful or the tendons and nerves won’t heal.”

“I’m fine; stop being a worrywart,” Kurt said. “Rachel, this is _perfect_. Thank you so much.”

“Don’t thank us, bud,” Burt said as he entered the room, flanked by Cooper, Carole, and Finn.

“We didn’t want you to have to worry about anything besides your recovery,” Finn said as Cooper picked his way through the Hudmel-Andersons to the bed where he stretched out.

“I can see you and Blaine have properly broken in this mattress,” Cooper said as he bounced slightly in place.

Kurt flushed a dark pink and suddenly the floor was the most interesting thing in the room. Blaine, however, was all too used to his elder brother’s antics and shoved him off the bed. Cooper sprang to his feet and had Blaine in a headlock before the younger brother could react.

“All right, boys, that’s enough,” Carole said in her strict motherly tone. “Kurt needs his rest.”

“I’m fine, Mom, really. I rested enough in the hospital,” Kurt protested.

“You have three full months of recovery ahead of yourself, young man, and you need plenty of rest. Now, everyone who is not Kurt’s fiancé get out!” Carole said, turning Finn and Rachel out of the room.

“Really, Mom, this isn’t necessary.” Kurt started forward to stop her but Blaine’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“She’s right, love. Dr. Cartwright said for you to get plenty of rest.”

Knowing that the likelihood of swaying Blaine was even less than Carole, Kurt gave in. Carole left the room, closing the door behind her.

“Let’s get a bath and go to bed,” Blaine said, taking Kurt’s hand and leading him into the bathroom.

“I’m not an invalid,” Kurt said as Blaine started the water for their bath. “I’m perfectly capable of filling a bathtub with water, you know.”

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing,” Blaine said as he turned to face him. He gently removed the sling and brace from Kurt’s left arm before undressing him.

Once the tub was filled sufficiently, Blaine turned off the tap. He stepped into the tub first, keeping his hands on Kurt’s hips so he could catch him if he fell as he climbed into the tub. They both sank into the water with Kurt leaning against Blaine.

“Are you sure you can handle Thanksgiving here?” Blaine asked as he washed the day’s stress from his fiancé.

“I don’t see why not,” Kurt replied lightly. “After all, everyone’s already here. What about you? Don’t pretend you’re not upset that your parents aren’t coming.”

“I’m just disappointed,” Blaine said. “I thought they would come what with both their sons being in the same city for once. But it’s fine. They can go to Italy if they want to.”

Kurt didn’t answer. He could tell Blaine was hiding the extent to which his parent’s absence was bothering him. He allowed Blaine to help him from the bathtub. Blaine helped Kurt fit his wrist into its brace before they disappeared into their respectful closets. Once they had both slipped into a clean pair of boxer briefs, they climbed into bed.

“You know what I’m thankful for?” Kurt asked after lying in silence in Blaine’s arms for a while.

“What?” Blaine asked, expecting the answer to be life after recent events.

“You,” Kurt said, looking at Blaine with a smile. “You still haven’t given up on me, after everything that I’ve put you through.”

“I promised you I never would,” Blaine said.

“I think I’m finally starting to believe you,” Kurt said.

“You certainly took your time, didn’t you?” Blaine teased.

“I’m sorry. I have trouble trusting people,” Kurt said, ashamed.

“Don’t be sorry,” Blaine said. “You learnt you had to protect yourself because you’ve been hurt so many times in the past. I did the same thing.”

“I’m still sorry,” Kurt replied. “You know me heart and soul; no one else can say the same.” Blaine opened his mouth to speak but Kurt pressed a finger to his lips. “Shhh, just listen.”

_You know my soul._

_You know everything about me there's to know._

_You know my heart._

_How to make me stop and how to make me go._

_You should know I love everything_

_About you. Don't you know_

Kurt was grateful for many things in his life this Thanksgiving, but he was most thankful for Blaine. Without Blaine, Kurt wouldn’t be celebrating any holiday at all. He could never repay Blaine for what he had done, but he was determined to find a way, somehow.

_That I’m thankful_

_For the blessing_

_And the lessons that I’ve learned with you_

_By my side._

_That I’m thankful for the love_

_That you keep bringing in my life;_

_In my life,_

_Thankful, so thankful._

Each day he spent with Blaine was a day filled with love. There could never be a doubt in his mind that Blaine truly loved him, because Kurt saw it reflected in his eyes every day. And he knew those were the eyes he would see every day for the rest of his life.

_You know my thoughts_

_Before I open up my mouth and try to speak._

_You know my dreams;_

_Must be listening when I’m talking in my sleep._

_I hope you know_

_I love having you around me. Don't you know_

Some romances end because the couple get tired of each other. But that would never be the case with Kurt and Blaine. They shared their thoughts and dreams, and everything else in between.

_That I’m thankful for the blessing_

_And the lessons that I’ve learned with you_

_By my side._

_That I’m thankful, so thankful for the love_

_That you keep bringing in my life, in my life._

Kurt and Blaine had learned a lot together the past year and a half. The fact that they had been together such a short amount of time always astounded Kurt; to him it felt like they had spent a lifetime together.

_Don't you know that I’m thankful for the moment_

_When I’m down you always know how to make me smile._

_Thankful for the joy that you’re bringing in my life, in my life._

_For the lessons that I’ve learned,_

_For the trouble I’ve known,_

_For the heartache and pain_

_That you've thrown in my way._

_When I didn't think I could go on,_

_But you made me feel strong._

_With you I am never alone._

Through all the good times and the bad, especially the bad, Blaine had been there. He had held Kurt while he cried, made him laugh and smile, and above all, he made Kurt feel strong. He made Kurt feel wanted. He reminded Kurt that he was not in this fight alone.

_Thankful, so thankful._

_Thankful for the blessing_

_And the lessons that I’ve learned with you_

_By my side._

_That I’m thankful, so thankful for the love_

_That you keep bringing in my life, in my life;_

_Thankful, so thankful._

_When I’m down you always know how to make me smile._

_Thankful for the joy that you’re bringing in my life, in my life;_

_Thankful, so thankful._

Blaine pulled Kurt close, kissing his lips softly. Kurt kissed him back firmly, frowning when Blaine pulled away.

“You don’t have to treat me like a china doll,” Kurt said. He ran his hand down Blaine’s chest, stopping at the waistband of his boxer briefs. “I want you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Blaine protested.

“You won’t,” Kurt assured him. “Please? Make love to me.”

All the fight went out of Blaine and he consented. He tried to memorize every freckle, every mark on his fiancé’s porcelain skin. Their impending separation was looming over them both and Blaine didn’t want to miss a single perfect imperfection. After their lovemaking, Kurt lay with his head on Blaine’s chest.

“I don’t know how I’m going to sleep for thirty days without you beside me,” Kurt said sadly.

“Are you regretting your decision already?” Blaine asked worriedly.

“No, but I don’t want to spend a month away from you,” Kurt answered.

“We won’t be apart. Not really,” Blaine reminded him. He had already begun his apartment search in St. Charles, and a few places looked promising.

“It won’t be the same,” Kurt sighed.

“It will be worth it,” Blaine said steadfastly.

Kurt didn’t reply, but silently he wondered if rehabilitation would work.


	20. Chapter 19:  Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It’s taken me a long time to write this chapter; it was probably the hardest I’ve written for this story. I hope it doesn’t suck.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Safe and Sound” belongs to Taylor Swift.

Chapter Nineteen:  Safe

Wednesday November 21, 2012

The mattress shifted under him as the weight from the other side of the bed was removed. Blaine had once been a deep sleeper, but Kurt’s nightmares combined with his current injury had changed that. Blaine was so attuned to him that Kurt could scarcely turn in his sleep without waking Blaine.

“Where are you going?” Blaine asked, pushing himself into a sitting position.

“To get my pain medication,” Kurt answered. “Go back to sleep.”

“I’ll get it,” Blaine ignored him. He was out of bed and down the stairs before Kurt could protest. He returned to find Kurt sitting on the edge of the bed, his arms crossed over his chest.

"When are you going to stop treating me like an eighty-year-old in hospice?” Kurt asked with his best bitch glare fixed on his face.

Blaine did his best to look contrite but Kurt didn’t believe him for a second.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said as he pressed the medicine bottle into Kurt’s hand. Kurt continued to glare at Blaine as he took the glass of water from him. He washed down the pill and placed the glass on his nightstand without breaking eye contact.

“Are you really that upset with me?” Blaine asked.

“That depends,” Kurt said thoughtfully, using his good arm to push himself to his feet.

“On what?” Blaine asked with a frown.

“On how well you make it up to me,” Kurt said, stepping closer to Blaine.

“Oh really?” Blaine moved so they were even closer.

“Yes, really.”

Kurt closed the distance between them with a happy sigh.

**K/B**

When Kurt woke next he immediately knew Blaine was awake. He could tell by the breaths exhaled on the back of his neck. Blaine had one arm under Kurt’s head, the other holding him close as they lay front-to-back and their legs were intertwined.

“Some people might be concerned with how often you watch me sleep,” Kurt said with a sleepy smile. Blaine chuckled, pressing a kiss to the back of Kurt’s neck.

“Those people don’t matter.”

Kurt made a noncommittal noise as he laced his fingers together with Blaine’s over his chest. A comfortable silence fell over them. Blaine tightened his hold around Kurt, dropping his head to the crook of Kurt’s neck where he breathed in his familiar scent.

"I never feel safer or more loved than when I am in your arms,” Kurt said softly, drawing comfort from their naked bodies pressed together.

“That’s because no matter what happens or where we are I will never let anything happen to you,” Blaine said. Kurt rolled over to face him, resting one hand on Blaine’s bare chest. His fingers played with the hairs that grew there, hairs that always secretly turned Kurt on.

“What if we’re not together?” Kurt asked timidly.

“I’ll never let you go. Even if we aren’t together physically, you’re here in my heart and I’m in yours. No matter what happens I will never let you go,” Blaine answered.

“Just don’t leave me here alone,” Kurt said, tears abruptly flooding his eyes.

“Never,” Blaine promised. He hummed softly, pressing kisses to Kurt’s skin. He pressed one kiss to Kurt’s lips and began to sing.

_I remember tears streaming down your face_

_When I said, "I'll never let you go."_

_When all those shadows almost killed your light,_

_I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone."_

_But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight._

Blaine knew Kurt was scared of his impeding rehabilitation. Neither of them knew how often Blaine would be permitted to visit, and the rest of the family would be in Ohio or New York. Kurt was afraid they would realize how much of a burden he was and forget about him. No matter how much they told him otherwise Kurt couldn’t change the way he felt.

_Just close your eyes._

_The sun is going down._

_You'll be alright._

_No one can hurt you now._

_Come morning light,_

_You and I'll be safe and sound._

All any of them wanted was for Kurt to be happy. They didn’t want him to hurt anymore. It seemed rehabilitation was the only way Kurt would ever learn to change the way he thought.

_Don't you dare look out your window, darling,_

_Everything's on fire._

_The war outside our door keeps raging on._

_Hold on to this lullaby,_

_Even when music's gone;_

_Gone._

Blaine hoped that Kurt would not only learn to change the way he thought but to also leave the past in the past. Kurt would never be able to forget what had happened but he could move on. Remembrance would help him to keep it from happening again but it was unhealthy to live in the past and forget about the present.

_Just close your eyes._

_The sun is going down._

_You'll be alright._

_No one can hurt you now._

_Come morning light,_

_You and I'll be safe and sound._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_

_La, la, la, la_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh_

_La, la, la_

_Just close your eyes._

_You'll be alright._

_Come morning light,_

_You and I'll be safe and sound . . ._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh oh oh._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh oh oh._

Kurt smiled, pressing a tender kiss to Blaine’s lips.

“I’ll always keep you safe,” Blaine promised.

Kurt opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a knock at the door. He smiled regretfully before rolling over to face the door. Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulled him closer. Kurt made sure the sheets and comforter were covering their naked bodies.

“Come in,” Blaine called out.

Finn entered the room, one hand clasped firmly over his eyes. Blaine laughed loudly; Kurt smiled in amusement.

“Finn, what’re you doing?” Kurt asked.

“Dad said to -”

“No,” Kurt cut him off. “Why are you covering your eyes?”

“I don’t want to see anything,” Finn answered.

“See anything?” Kurt asked patiently. Of course he knew what Finn meant but that didn’t mean he wasn’t above making him say it.

“You know, sex,” Finn clarified.

Tears streamed down Blaine’s face as he laughed even louder.

“You can look, Finn,” Kurt told him.

“Are you sure -”

“Finn!”

“All right, all right,” Finn said, removing his hand from over his eyes. “Oh.”

“Yes, oh. Now what did Dad say?” Kurt asked.

“He wants to tour Yankee Stadium. Do you want to go?”

“Tour a baseball stadium? I think not. Besides Rachel and I need to start cooking today.”

“Thanksgiving isn’t until tomorrow,” Finn pointed out.

“I know that. But we won’t have time to cook everything tomorrow.”

“What about you, Blaine? Cooper and Carole are coming.”

“No thanks, Finn. I’ll stay here and help Kurt and Rachel.”

“You don’t have to, baby. You can go if you want to,” Kurt said, turning his head to look at Blaine.

“I’ve been before, love. Besides, five is a crowd.”

“Three’s a crowd,” Kurt corrected.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Blaine pretended ignorance.

“Umm, guys, I need an answer. Dad is waiting,” Finn interrupted uncomfortably.

“Sorry, Finn,” Kurt said, returning his attention to his stepbrother. “I’m not going.”

“Me either. You guys have fun,” Blaine said. The second Finn left he collapsed into laughter.

“What is it?” Kurt asked, rolling over.

“Can you imagine what he would have said if he knew we were naked?” Blaine asked through peals of laughter.

Kurt shook his head in amusement. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s forehead before slipping out of the bed. Blaine abruptly stopped laughing at the sight of his fiancé’s naked body. He waited five full seconds before following him into their shared bathroom.

**K/B**

“We forgot to check the mail,” Kurt said as he set his load of grocery bags on the counter. Rachel groaned, setting down her own bags as Blaine followed suit.

“I’m so not going back downstairs,” she said as she began to put away the groceries.

“I’ll do it,” Blaine volunteered.

“Thanks, love,” Kurt said with a smile. He and Rachel continued to put away the items they didn’t need to cook that day. They had agreed to bake the pies but wait until tomorrow to cook the rest of the Thanksgiving meal.

Rachel had just pulled out the Kitchen Aide mixer Kurt had insisted was a necessity for any kitchen when Blaine returned.

“What are these?” he asked, holding up two magazines.

“Those are wedding magazines,” Kurt said.

Blaine put the magazines on the countertop. Placing his hands Kurt’s hips, he turned him so they were face to face.

“Does this mean what I think it means?” Blaine asked.

“It does,” Kurt said with a wide grin.

Blaine’s lips caught Kurt’s in a passionate kiss. They quickly forgot Rachel was in the room. She giggled, watching them in amusement. Rachel was glad they felt comfortable enough to show affection in her presence. However, she was not glad enough to not interrupt them when Blaine’s hands disappeared under the hem of Kurt’s shirt.

“What does this mean?” Rachel asked loudly.

The two sprang apart, having the decency to look ashamed that they had allowed things to get so heated. Kurt straightened his shirt and arm sling.

“We can set a date!” Blaine exclaimed.

“Really?” Rachel asked in excitement. She squealed, pulling the two into a group hug. They pulled apart when a buzzer sounded throughout the apartment, signaling they had a visitor.

“Finn must have forgotten his key,” Rachel said in amusement.

Blaine kept an arm around Kurt, wanting to discuss wedding dates with him, as he went to answer the call.

“Forget your key again, Finn?” Blaine asked.

“Honey, it’s us,” a familiar female voice drifted through the call box.

“Mom?” Blaine asked, his eyes growing wide. He had thought his parents were in Italy for Thanksgiving, celebrating with his mother’s family.

“What are you parents doing here?” Kurt hissed frantically.

“Come on up,” Blaine said through the speaker before answering Kurt. “I have no idea.”

“They can’t see me!” Kurt cried, motioning towards his immobile left arm. “They’ll ask questions!”

“I can’t ask them to leave, Kurt. They _gave_ us this place,” Blaine reminded him gently.

“I-I-I can’t,” Kurt stammered, panic rising at an alarming rate.

“Baby, calm down,” Blaine said soothingly.

A knock sounded at the door. Rachel was closest to the door but she didn’t open it. Instead she moved to Kurt’s side, hovering protectively.

“I’m so sorry, love,” Blaine said as he reached for the doorknob. He swung the door open to reveal his parents.

“Sorry to drop in like this but we wanted to surprise you,” Alessandra Anderson said as she swept into the room, pressing a kiss to her son’s cheek. She turned to Kurt with a fond smile. “Kurt, caro, what happened to your arm?”

All the blood drained from Kurt’s face. His eyes flew from Alessandra to Blaine, to Blaine’s father to Rachel. They ended on Alessandra’s concerned countenance and he began to back away.

“I’m sorry, I-I can’t . . . .”

Kurt turned and fled the room.

“Kurt!” Blaine didn’t offer his parents any explanation but took off after his fiancé.


	21. Chapter 20:  No Need to Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: After this chapter, Kurt will be in S.A.F.E. Alternatives. With my own hospitalization last March for major depressive disorder this is likely to be very difficult for me to write. I have done extensive research into the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program. There are many writing assignments for patients to complete. I may use the next few chapters to write some of these assignments as Kurt would write them. I may show Kurt and Blaine at the facility. I may not. It is likely to be a while before the next chapter gets out. But I promise it will get written. I hope you enjoy this nice long chapter as the next one may be very short and delayed.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Come What May” belongs to Baz Luhrmann. “The Call” belongs to Regina Spektor.

Chapter Twenty:  No Need to Say Goodbye

Wednesday November 21, 2012

_“I’m sorry, I-I can’t . . . .”_

_Kurt turned and fled the room._

_“Kurt!” Blaine didn’t offer his parents any explanation but took off after his fiancé._

Blaine followed Kurt into the master bathroom. Kurt attempted to open an orange medicine bottle with both hands but pain shot through his left wrist and he cried out. Blaine took the bottle from him, opened it, and placed a single white pill into Kurt’s good hand. Kurt swallowed it dry, his body continued to shake with anxiety.

“Come here,” Blaine said softly. He wrapped an arm around Kurt and led him back to their bedroom. He sat on the bed and tried to pull Kurt onto his lap but Kurt resisted. Instead, he tore off his arm sling and began to pull off his clothes. “What are you doing? We can’t have sex _now_.”

“Of course I don’t want to have sex now,” Kurt scoffed. “My clothes are all wrong. I can’t believe your parents saw me in this.”

“Baby, please, calm down. Give your medication time to work,” Blaine pleaded.

“I can’t calm down, Blaine. Your parents just showed up on our doorstep _the day before Thanksgiving!_   Not only are they going to learn about me but we didn’t buy enough food for two additional people!”

“Kurt, sit down,” Blaine said sternly. He took Kurt by the shoulders and forced him to the bed. Kurt struggled in vain, only stopping when Blaine’s hands dropped to the hem of Kurt’s shirt and pulled up.

Blaine carefully undressed him, folding each article of clothing and setting it aside with the same reverence Kurt would have used himself. When he was done he sat beside his lover on the bed, pulling Kurt into his side.

“Listen to me, okay? Everything is going to be fine. We don’t have to tell my parents anything. We can make up a lie. That is your decision and I will respect whatever you decide. What happened to you is none of their business.”

“But what about -”

“Let me finish. We are going to go downstairs and take stock of the food we have. Then I will go back to the store and buy more of whatever we need. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, understand?”

“I’m going to worry,” Kurt mumbled. “I always worry.”

“I’m well aware of that,” Blaine said. One hand came up to Kurt’s throat and he lightly pressed his thumb into the bruise he had left that morning. “But I also know how to make you stop worrying.”

“You do?” Kurt feigned ignorance. “I can’t seem to remember-”

“Hush, you,” Blaine chuckled. He pressed a kiss to the corner of Kurt’s mouth. Kurt tilted his head, pressing his lips against Blaine’s firmly. He opened his lover’s mouth, letting his tongue slip inside to taste. Reluctantly, Blaine tore himself away, pressing one last kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Are you okay now?”

Rachel knocked lightly at the door, cutting off Kurt’s answer. She stepped into the room slowly, her eyes quickly sweeping over Kurt’s body to ensure he was decent.

“Blaine, I made your parents some coffee. They’re in the kitchen waiting for you,” Rachel said. “I didn’t say anything . . . I didn’t know _what_ to say.”

“I’m going to go downstairs now, okay, love?” Blaine said uncertainly.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I just have nothing to wear.”

“I’ll help you find something,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes fondly. She knew Kurt had more clothes than her and Finn combined and if worst came to worst they could peruse Blaine’s closet for additional options.

“Thanks,” Kurt said.

Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s once more, allowing the kiss to linger.

“I love you,” Blaine said softly.

“I love you too.”

“Forever?” he asked with a smile.

“Always,” Kurt answered with a small smile of his own.

Blaine disappeared down the stairs. Rachel perched on the edge of the bed beside Kurt.

“What are you going to tell them?” Rachel asked.

“I don’t know,” Kurt answered honestly.

Rachel leaned her head on Kurt’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around his waist. Kurt allowed himself to be held by his best friend, resting his head against Rachel’s. They sat in silence for a few minutes until the last dregs of anxiety left Kurt.

“I should find something to wear,” Kurt said softly, pushing himself off of the bed.

With Rachel’s help, Kurt put together an outfit he deemed suitable to entertain the Andersons in. Rachel helped him dress, not even blushing when she had to button Kurt’s shirt for him. The feeling had yet to return to the fingers of his left hand and was mostly useless. Rachel slipped her hand into Kurt’s good one and they descended the stairs to the lower level of the penthouse together.

Three of the four Andersons were waiting for them in the kitchen (Cooper was still at Yankee Stadium with Burt, Finn, and Carole). Alessandra and Pádraic Anderson looked up when their future son-in-law entered the room.

“Are you all right, Kurt? Blaine said you weren’t feeling well,” Alessandra asked in concern.

“I’m fine, Mrs. Anderson. Thank you for asking,” Kurt said politely. He busied himself with finding the mixing bowl that went with his Kitchen Aide mixer.

“What happened to your arm?” Pádraic questioned.

Kurt drew in a deep breath. He had known this was coming. He straightened his shoulders and turned to look both Alessandra and Pádraic in the eye.

“I suffer from depression,” Kurt began.

Slowly, he told his future in-laws his story as he added ingredients to the mixing bowl. Neither asked any questions, allowing Kurt to open up at his own pace. Blaine stayed by his side, his eyes not leaving Kurt’s face. He watched for any signs of panic or anxiety but saw none. When Kurt finished, no one spoke. Alessandra slowly walked to his side, took Kurt’s good hand in hers and turned him so they were eye-to-eye.

“It is very brave of you to tell us the truth, Kurt. I’m proud of you,” Alessandra said, pulling an astonished Kurt into a loving embrace.

Blaine smiled widely. He had not been expecting his parents to show up on their doorstep but with the way things had turned out, he was glad they had.

And just like that everything returns to normal. Alessandra insists on helping Rachel and Kurt with the baking. Blaine and Pádraic make a list of what food they need and go back to the store. Cooper, Burt, Finn, and Carole return from Yankee Stadium. The penthouse had never been so filled with noise since Kurt, Blaine, Finn, and Rachel moved in.

Thanksgiving Day passed without a hitch. With Alessandra and Carole’s help, Kurt and Rachel prepared a magnificent Thanksgiving feast. Kurt even managed to catch a few minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade through all the preparation.

Wedding talk also began. After a long discussion the date had been set:  March 15, 2016; their fifth anniversary as boyfriends. Colors as well as different cuts for bridesmaid dresses had been discussed but nothing set in stone. Kurt knew they had a long time before everything needed to be decided but wedding planning offered a welcome distraction from his impending rehabilitation.

Yes, everything went smoothly until Pádraic asked the boys how school would fit into their month in St. Charles.

“It’s not,” Blaine answered simply, as if the answer was obvious.

“What do you mean it’s not?” Pádraic asked, fixing his son with a hard stare.

Blaine shifted uncomfortably in his chair at the dining room table. They had been enjoying a last meal together before the Andersons returned to Lima.

“You already dropped your classes for this semester, Blaine; you’re not screwing up another semester,” Pádraic informed him.

“Pádraic, please,” Alessandra tried to stop the conversation before things got out of hand.

“No, Alessa; I cannot stop Kurt from taking a semester off – he’s not my son – and he certainly has a good excuse but Blaine does not,” Pádraic said.

“I’m not leaving Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed.

“You’re not throwing your education away,” Pádraic countered. “I’m paying a lot of money for you to attend NYU-”

“Then I quit!” Blaine jumped to his feet.

“Blaine, don’t be ridiculous!” Kurt hissed.

“I’m going with you, Kurt,” Blaine said. Turning to his father he continued, “And you can’t stop me!”

“I’m not going to pay-”

“Then I will,” Cooper said, pushing himself to his feet and standing beside his little brother.

“Cooper-”

“You’ve seen them together, Dad,” Cooper interrupted. “They belong together. And Kurt will need Blaine in St. Charles more than ever. So, cut him off if you want to. Don’t pay for his education. That’s your choice. But if you do, I’ll make sure Blaine has money for tuition, one way or another.”

“Coop-”

“You don’t get a say in this, little brother. I know I don’t have to pay; I know you don’t like accepting money from others, but you’re going to accept this.”

Blaine was speechless. He had never stopped to think about his parents’ reaction to him taking an entire year off. Everything was happening so fast his brain was struggling to catch up.

“Caro, is there any chance of you attending school next semester?” Alessandra asked.

“Yes,” Kurt answered before Blaine could.

“Kurt, you don’t know-”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, no,” Kurt said. “But next semester starts January 28th, Mrs. Anderson. We leave for St. Charles in a week.”

“We won’t have time for advisement,” Blaine pointed out.

“Everyone, please, just sit down!” Kurt exclaimed, tired of the fighting. Shocked, Blaine dropped into his seat beside his fiancé and Cooper returned to his beside his mother. “Mr. Anderson, I know that I screwed up _very_ badly. I know that I’ve tossed an entire semester of college down the drain and Blaine’s along with it. I _hate_ that. But Cooper is right, I’m going to need Blaine more than ever in St. Charles. I promise that I’m going to do my best to get better and not just for my own sake, but for Blaine’s as well.” Kurt turned away from Pádraic to look deep into his beloved’s eyes. “I’ve caused you a lot of pain and fear and a thousand other negative emotions. Knowing that kills me. I promise that I’m going to get better and I promise that I’m going to be the fiancé, the lover, the husband that you deserve.”

Blaine blinked back tears. Ignoring his family, he pulled Kurt into a passionate kiss, one hand cupping the side of his face. He didn’t care what his father thought about the semester of school he had lost. Blaine didn’t care. All that mattered was him and Kurt and the life they were building together. Blaine forced himself away from his fiancé, stroking his cheek with his thumb.

“I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

“Forever?” Blaine asked with a grin.

“Always,” Kurt promised. “Always.”

**K/B**

Friday November 30, 2012

“I can’t do this,” Kurt said aloud in the dark room. He didn’t know if Blaine was awake but he had to get the words out before the fear completely consumed him. He felt he would implode with the force of the emotion.

“You’re going to be fine, love,” Blaine’s voice assured him from the other side of the bed. He rolled over to face Kurt, opening his arms. Kurt immediately moved into them.

“What if we don’t make it?” Kurt asked fearfully.

“What are you talking about?” Blaine asked confusedly.

“What if we can’t handle the separation?” Kurt asked, tears threatening to fall.

“Love, there won’t be any separation. We’ll see each other every day,” Blaine promised.

“What if I don’t have time to see you? You heard Andrew. There’s a strict schedule I’ll have to follow as well as writing assignments and-and support groups for you.”

“Which are weekly,” Blaine reminded him.

“We won’t be able to share the same bed for a month. You won’t be able to hold me and we can’t make love and what if the nights get really bad and I need you because you know nights are the worst for me and-”

“Baby, please calm down,” Blaine pleaded. Kurt’s tears were now falling in earnest. He buried his head in Blaine’s chest, muffling a sob. “We’ve talked about this, remember? I will be able to visit you every single day, and I will. I will hold you for as long as you like when we’re together, I promise. No, we won’t be able to make love but it’s only a month. And if the nights get bad you’ll have someone there to talk to twenty-four/seven. You will be okay. I promise. I wouldn’t let you go if I thought otherwise.”

Kurt wiped away his tears, sniffling. He didn’t speak for a while and Blaine didn’t push him to.

“I’m scared,” he finally said.

“I know. I can’t promise that this is going to be easy. In fact, I can promise you it _won’t_ be easy. But I can promise that I will be there for you every step of the way and no absence of cuddling in bed or lovemaking will change that. I will love you until my dying day, and after.”

“Just like the song?” Kurt asked.

“Just like the song,” Blaine said. And then he began to sing.

_Never knew I could feel like this,_

_Like I've never seen the sky before._

_Want to vanish inside your kiss._

_Seasons may change, winter to spring,_

_But I love you until the end of time._

_Come what may!_

_Come what may!_

_I will love you until my dying day!_

Kurt knew Blaine meant every word that he sang. It showed in the way that they kissed:  sometimes soft and tender, sometimes hard and lustful, but always, _always_ , filled with love. Theirs was a love unlike any other. A love they had fought for and a love they had won. There were hard times, and easy ones too, good times and bad, but above all there was Kurt and there was Blaine. They were meant to be together and they always would be. Kurt wiped away a tear, harmonizing his voice to Blaine’s.

_Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place;_

_Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace._

_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste;_

_It all revolves around you._

_And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide._

_Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side!_

_Storm clouds may gather_

_And stars may collide._

_But I love you_

_Until the end of time._

_Come what may!_

_Come what may!_

_I will love you!_

_I will love you!_

They didn’t speak. No words were needed. Blaine lowered his mouth to cover Kurt’s. He kissed him softly, almost without any pressure. Kurt sank into the kiss, opening Blaine’s mouth with his own. The passion between them built as did the pressure of the kiss but the love was the same.

Slowly, they were both divested of their pajamas. Blaine mapped Kurt’s body with his hands and mouth, committing every sigh and every moan to memory. Then it was Kurt’s turn, his turn to press kisses into every inch of Blaine’s skin. He knew every spot that brought Blaine pleasure and he was careful to pay close attention to them.

Blaine kissed Kurt deeply, rolling them over so Blaine’s body was pressing Kurt’s into the mattress. He took more care than was necessary in stretching Kurt, opening him up slowly. When Kurt was reduced to begging, writhing against him in pleasure, Blaine slid inside. They made love slowly, wanting the moment to last forever. Blaine kept a slow rhythm until Kurt was begging for more, begging for whatever Blaine would give him. And Blaine gave him everything. They came together, stifling moans with the other’s mouth.

When they returned to earth, Blaine cleaned them with a warm washcloth. He climbed back into bed and Kurt instantly curled into his side. And before Blaine could pull the covers up over them, Kurt was asleep.

Friday November 30, 2012

Kurt was scared. He had been interviewed by the staff of S.A.F.E. Alternatives along with Andrew. He underwent a screening process to ensure the staff that he was entering the program of his _own_ volition and that in his heart of hearts he wanted to recover. With the screening successful, Kurt had been scheduled to arrive at S.A.F.E. Alternatives for admission the first of December.

Of course Kurt had read about the program and the success that it boasted, but he was still terrified. And he wasn’t the only one. Standing in the airport, surrounded by his family, he knew they were all scared. Rachel had been fighting back tears all morning and was continuing to do so, now joined with Carole and Burt. Even Finn was beginning to tear up.

“This isn’t goodbye,” Kurt said. “I’ll call you every day and Blaine will be able to Skype with you from his apartment. Don’t think of this as goodbye for a month. Think of it as an I’ll-see-you-later.”

“Oh, Kurt!” Rachel cried, throwing her arms around him.

Kurt hugged her tightly. He pushed her away, wiped away her tears and kissed her cheek. Kurt and Blaine hugged everyone in turn:  Burt, Carole, Finn, Rachel, and Cooper. They were all there to see them off. Kurt knew they had to go. He looked at Blaine, who squeezed his hand tightly. Blaine could tell Kurt wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what. So Kurt showed his emotions in the best, most honest way he knew.

_It started out as a feeling_

_Which then grew into a hope;_

_Which then turned into a quiet thought,_

_Which then turned into a quiet word._

_And then that word grew louder and louder,_

_'Til it was a battle cry._

_I'll come back when you call me._

_No need to say goodbye._

Listening to his son’s voice, Burt couldn’t fight his tears any longer. His entire life he had tried to keep Kurt safe . . . and he had failed. Kurt had not been safe at McKinley, he had not been safe at Lima, and now he was not safe in New York City. But Burt knew his son would get better. He knew that Blaine would watch out for him. Burt regretted not being able to fly with the boys to St. Charles but he knew they would take care of each other, like they always had. Unable to contain himself, he threw his arms around them both. Carole joined the hug and soon the seven of them had formed a group hug in the middle of the airport.

_Just because everything's changing_

_Doesn't mean it's never been this way before._

_All you can do is try to know who your friends are_

_As you head off to the war._

_Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light._

_You'll come back when it's over._

_No need to say goodbye._

_You'll come back when it's over._

_No need to say goodbye._

Blaine knew the time had come for them to leave and gently pulled at Kurt’s hand to get him to move. Kurt took a step away from his family and towards the awaiting aircraft. He drew in a deep breath and nodded. This was it. Kurt offered his father one last smile before he turned and walked away from him, his hand clasped tightly in Blaine’s.

_Now we're back to the beginning._

_It's just a feeling and no one knows yet._

_But just because they can't feel it too_

_Doesn't mean that you have to forget._

_Let your memories grow stronger and stronger,_

_'Til they're before your eyes._

_You'll come back when they call you._

_No need to say goodbye._

_You'll come back when they call you._

_No need to say goodbye._

They stowed their carry-on bags in the overhead compartments before taking their seats. Kurt stared out the window. He knew this was a turning point for him. Now was when he walked away from self-harm and left it behind for good. Kurt knew the possibility of relapsing was very real. He knew he couldn’t promise Blaine yet that he would never hurt himself again. Kurt couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t fall but he could promise that he would get back up again.

“Are you ready?” Blaine asked, drawing Kurt from his thoughts.

Kurt turned to face him and offered his fiancé a genuine smile.

“I’m ready.”


	22. Chapter 21:  S.A.F.E. Alternatives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is highly based on research I have done on the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program along with a little of my own inpatient experience.
> 
> I AM ACCEPTING PROMPTS FOR THIS AND THE WMAP VERSE. This could include outtakes from the past or present or something you want to see in a future chapter or even a future outtake. Send me a PM, review, or ask on Tumblr!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: The information on the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program comes from the book Bodily Harm: The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader. Both the No-Harm Contract and the SAFE Questionnaire come straight from the book. “Sunrise” belongs to Rascal Flatts.

 

Chapter Twenty-One:  S.A.F.E. Alternatives

Saturday December 1, 2012

“Here we are,” Blaine said as he pulled into a parking spot outside the CenterPointe Hospital in St. Charles, Missouri.

Kurt remained silent. The hospital seemed to loom up above them. He was sure inside it was just like any other hospital:  white walls, tile floors, the scent of cleaning solution and illness. But this hospital was not like any other in the country. This hospital housed the first program centered on treatment for self-injurious behavior. This hospital would be Kurt’s home for the next thirty days as he would take up residency in the adolescent ward.

“This is it,” Blaine said, reaching over the console to squeeze Kurt’s hand.

“There’s no going back, is there?” Kurt asked with a sigh.

“Would you want to?” Blaine asked, already knowing the answer.

“No. I want to get better. I’m going to get better. I’ve been mentally . . . bad before but never this bad and . . . and I won’t be this bad again,” Kurt said. His voice missed conviction but Blaine knew he meant every word.

“I’m proud of you,” Blaine said.

Kurt blushed, looking down at their hands.

“No, really, I am,” Blaine insisted. He put a finger under Kurt’s chin, raising his head until their eyes met.

_Well you can't eat, can't sleep down on the floor_

_Cause you never fell this hard before._

_Now there's nothing in this world you want more than to be free._

_And you're lost somewhere you swore you'd never go;_

_And the way back looks like a dead end road._

_But with one step, one breath, one smile at a time._

Kurt’s eyes were brimmed with tears but they had yet to fall. Blaine climbed out of the car, coming over to Kurt’s side. He opened the door for his fiancé, letting him take his own time to leave the safety of the car.

_Let me get you out of here!_

_Wipe away all your tears._

_Now you're safe in these arms of mine._

_I won't ever let you down!_

_Your heart will start to come around._

_We're gonna change your life_

_One sunrise at a time._

Blaine held Kurt’s hand, leading him to the back of the rental car. He grabbed the single suitcase from the back of the car while Kurt handled his toiletries bag. Blaine had known Kurt was going to protest when they found out he was only allowed 6 outfits due to the available laundry facilities (which led to yet another protestation). But somehow Kurt had picked out six outfits, including accessories though it had been recommended against in the pamphlets, and fit them in a single suitcase with a stationary kit, his iPod, several folders with writing utensils and paper, and a copy of the book used by the program entitled _Bodily Harm_.

_Well, you can't get rid of all his lies;_

_Thinkin' 'bout him all the time._

_Can I be the reason you've got nothin' on your mind?_

Blaine closed the trunk of the car. Adjusting his grasp on the suitcase, he turned to Kurt. Only when Kurt was ready did they begin their slow trek across the hospital parking lot.

_Oh, let me get you out of here!_

_Wipe away all your tears._

_Now you're safe in these arms of mine._

_I won't ever let you down!_

_Your heart will start to come around._

_We're gonna change your life_

_One sunrise at a time._

Inside the hospital lobby everything was as expected. Blue had been the chosen color for the décor and Kurt could not find fault with the choice. He allowed Blaine to lead him to the elevator, using his new surroundings as a distraction technique.

_Let me hold you tight_

_All through the night_

_Till you awake;_

_Till all this pain_

_Is gone with yesterday_

_Gone with yesterday!_

_Oh, let me get you out of here._

Inside the elevator was quiet except for Blaine’s voice as he continued to sing. The elevator rose too quickly for Kurt’s liking and before he was ready Blaine was urging him to step out onto the floor where he would reside for the next thirty days.

_Oh, I won't ever let you down!_

_Your heart will start to come around._

_We're gonna change your life_

_One sunrise at a time._

_Oh, one sunrise_

_At a time._

Blaine led Kurt over to a desk and informed the young nurse that they were there to admit Kurt Hummel for the thirty day intensive adolescent program. She typed into the computer, asking them to wait a moment while she disappeared into the back. When she returned there was a short red-haired lady with her. She appeared to be middle-aged and had a kind face.

“Hello, I’m Ruth Stroble, the head nurse on the unit. Which one of you is Kurt Hummel?” she asked with a friendly smile.

“I am,” Kurt said softly, his heart racing with fear.

“And I’m Blaine Anderson, his fiancé,” Blaine introduced himself.

Ruth shook their hands, continuing to smile at the pair. Kurt watched as a nurse took his bags from him. He opened his mouth to protest but shut it quickly.

“I’m glad you could be with us today, Blaine. I know your presence will make the transition easier for Kurt. Now if you two could come with me we will get down to business,” Ruth said.

She led the two into her office, shutting the door behind her. Situated behind her desk, Ruth’s countenance turned serious. Kurt and Blaine sat opposite her, their hands still tightly clasped.

“Now, Kurt, when we spoke over the phone we asked for you to bring your birth certificate, immunization records, your medications, and the records of your current treatment for your injured arm. Did you bring those things?” Kurt nodded. “Good. We will have to administer a TB test but that will be over very quickly. Here’s Lara to do it now.” A young brunette woman stepped into the room with the necessities to administer a tuberculosis test. “Kurt, this is Lara Thorp. She’s a nurse here and will be helping to take care of you during your stay. Lara, this is Kurt and his fiancé Blaine.”

Lara smiled politely. Kurt did his best to ignore her while she pressed the needle into his skin but he had never been a fan of needles. Once Lara left, Ruth continued on.

“Okay, Kurt, let’s see what we have here,” Ruth said leafing through some papers before her. “Let’s begin with the S.A.F.E. Questionnaire. You completed this before your arrival but I want you to check that everything is correct.”

Kurt looked at the paper she handed him. There was a list of questions, each of which Kurt had answered in Andrew’s office the week before. He read through it quickly:

SECTION ONE

1\. I was often told as a child to be strong.

[X]True [ ]False

2\. I do not remember much affection being displayed in my family.

[ ]True [X]False

3\. Anger was the feeling most often displayed in my family.

[ ]True [X]False

4\. I rarely felt I could express my feelings to my family.

[ ]True [X]False

5\. As a child I remember my mother and/or father as overly intrusive.

[ ]True [X]False

6\. As a child I remember being sexually abused.

[ ]True [X]False

7\. As a child I remember being physically abused.

[ ]True [X]False

8\. As a child I remember being emotionally abused.

[ ]True [X]False

9\. As a child I remember my mother and/or father being emotionally absent.

[ ]True [X]False

10\. I remember times when I was punished for strong feelings, such as when I was angry or upset and in tears about something.

[ ]True [X]False

11\. When I was upset or frightened, my mother and/or father often ignored me.

[ ]True [X]False

12\. I grew up in a very religious household.

[ ]True [X]False

13\. I had a parent who was unable to raise me due to a physical illness or trauma.

[X]True [ ]False

14\. I grew up with a lot of double messages.

[ ]True [X]False

 

SECTION TWO

15\. I often think of myself as a "bad" person.

[X]True [ ]False

16\. I often believe that I'm at fault for everything that goes wrong.

[X]True [ ]False

17\. I often think that everyone would be happier if I were dead.

[ ]True [X]False

18\. I often believe that negative attention is better than no attention.

[ ]True [X]False

19\. I hate change.

[X]True [ ]False

20\. I seem to have an all-or-nothing attitude.

[X]True [ ]False

21\. I usually can't find words that explain how I feel.

[X]True [ ]False

22\. I don't have many friends.

[X]True [ ]False

23\. I am a perfectionist.

[X]True [ ]False

24\. I think I am a burden to others.

[X]True [ ]False

25\. I do not want to die; I just want to stop my emotional pain.

[X]True [ ]False

26\. I get scared when I get close to anyone.

[X]True [ ]False

27\. I could never intentionally harm anyone else.

[X]True [ ]False

28\. I do not know how to get attention in positive ways.

[ ]True [X]False

29\. Some people think I am childlike.

[ ]True [X]False

30\. I am:

[ ]heterosexual [X]homosexual [ ]bisexual [ ]unsure

 

Questions for females only

31\. I hate my periods.

[ ]True [ ]False

32\. I strongly hate having a pelvic exam.

[ ]True [ ]False

33\. I would be better off without a vagina.

[ ]True [ ]False

34\. I am jealous of men.

[ ]True [ ]False

 

Questions for males only

35\. I hate my genital organs.

[ ]True [X]False

36\. I would be better off without my genitals.

[ ]True [X]False

37\. I am jealous of women.

[ ]True [X]False

38\. I wish I were a woman.

[ ]True [X]False

 

SECTION THREE

39\. I have had elective plastic surgery more than once.

[ ]True [X]False

40\. I have had plastic surgery against the advice of a doctor.

[ ]True [X]False

41\. My friends and family have become concerned about my body piercing.

[ ]True [X]False

42\. I have decided to continue piercing despite the fact that one or more significant others have told me that they are repulsed by it.

[ ]True [X]False

43\. I find that when I tattoo or pierce, I feel different afterward - I get a rush, or I feel like I'm much calmer than before the session, or I feel sexually aroused.

[ ]True [X]False

44\. I become anxious when anyone tries to stop me or prevent me from getting a new piercing.

[ ]True [X]False

45\. I have problems with drugs or alcohol.

[ ]True [X]False

46\. I have exercised to the point that I have become sick or injured.

[X]True [ ]False

47\. I have sometimes neglected to seek medical attention for an illness or injury when part of me knows I should have.

[X]True [ ]False

48\. I have an eating disorder, or have had one sometime in the past.

[X]True [ ]False

49\. My doctor has told me I am underweight, but I would still really like to lose a few more pounds.

[X]True [ ]False

50\. I am secretly delighted when I can avoid eating a meal.

[X]True [ ]False

51\. I have stolen things.

[X]True [ ]False

52\. I have - or have had - a tendency to be promiscuous.

[ ]True [X]False

53\. I have overdosed on drugs.

[ ]True [X]False

 

SECTION FOUR

54\. I often obsess about self-injury.

[X]True [ ]False

55\. I sometimes can't explain where my injuries come from.

[ ]True [X]False

56\. I get anxious when my wounds start to heal.

[ ]True [X]False

57\. I often believe that if I don't self-injure, I'll go "crazy."

[X]True [ ]False

58\. No one can hurt me more than I can hurt myself.

[X]True [ ]False

59\. I can't imagine life without self-injury.

[X]True [ ]False

60\. If I stop self-injuring, my parents win.

[ ]True [X]False

61\. I often believe that if I don't self-injure, I'll explode.

[X]True [ ]False

62\. I almost always carry something with me that I can use to self-harm.

[X]True [ ]False

63\. I often self-injure as a way to punish myself.

[ ]True [X]False

64\. I often self-injure to show others how bad I feel.

[X]True [ ]False

65\. Self-injury helps me feel in control.

[X]True [ ]False

66\. I have carved words or symbols into my flesh.

[ ]True [X]False

67\. I have used self-injury to control others.

[ ]True [X]False

68\. The sight of my blood comforts me.

[X]True [ ]False

69\. Self-injury helps me feel "real" again.

[X]True [ ]False

70\. Self-injury helps me control my mind when it's racing.

[X]True [ ]False

71\. Self-injury helps me feel relaxed.

[X]True [ ]False

72\. Self-injury helps me feel less lonely.

[X]True [ ]False

73\. Self-injury helps me feel less depressed.

[X]True [ ]False

74\. Self-injury is my best friend.

[X]True [ ]False

75\. The first time that I self-injured, I didn't let anyone know.

[X]True [ ]False

76\. I have self-injured:

[ ]Only once [ ]2-5 times [ ]6-10 times [ ]11-20 times [ ]21-50 times [X]More than 50 times

77\. My decision to self-injure is usually made (check all that apply):

[X]On the spur of the moment [X]An hour before [X]Several hours before [ ]A day before [ ]A week before [ ]More than a week before

78\. I often have a regular routine I follow when I self-injure.

[X]True [ ]False

79\. Immediately after I self-injure, I usually feel:

[X]Better [ ]No change [ ]Worse

80\. The amount of pain I feel when I self-injure is usually:

[ ]None [ ]A little [X]A moderate amount [ ]A great deal

81\. I have lost relationships because of my self-injury.

[ ]True [X]False

82\. I am unable to hold down a job because of my self-injury.

[ ]True [X]False

83\. I have at times missed school because of my self-injury.

[X]True [ ]False

84\. I like the attention I get from people when they find out that I have physically harmed myself.

[ ]True [X]False

85\. List the ways in which you have harmed yourself. List them in order in which you most often harmed yourself, e.g., 1. Cutting, 2. Burning, etc.

1) cutting 2) limiting food 3) burning

86\. When did you last harm yourself?

[ ]Within the past week [X]Past month [ ]Past six months [ ]Past year [ ]More than a year ago

87\. My self-harm helps me atone for my sins.

[ ]True [X]False

88\. Sometimes my self-harm puts me in closer contact with God.

[ ]True [X]False

89\. I consider my tendency to self-harm an addiction.

[X]True [ ]False

90\. Many times I harm myself more out of habit than for any specific reason.

[X]True [ ]False

“It’s correct,” Kurt said, pushing the paper back across the desk to Ruth.

“Good,” Ruth said, filing the paper away. “Now let’s talk about the No-Harm Contract. You are required to sign this before we can admit you.”

Kurt read the paper over carefully, only pausing briefly before he signed it.

_As a candidate for the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program, I recognize that self-injury interferes with all aspects of my life. I am committed to treatment of my problem and to stopping all self-injurious behavior. I am aware of and agree to the following guidelines for my treatment:_

  1. _No self-damaging or property-damaging behavior throughout my hospital stay. Failure to comply will lead to dismissal from the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program._
  2. _If I have a concurrent eating disorder, I agree to follow treatment recommendations to address this problem. I understand that failure to comply may lead to dismissal from the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program._
  3. _Sexual contact with others, physical threats, assaultive behavior, stealing, use of nonprescription drugs, or use of alcohol may lead to dismissal from the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program._
  4. _Elopement will automatically lead to discharge from the S.A.F.E. Alternatives program._



Kurt passed the paper back to Ruth who signed it as a witness and added it to his file.

“Next is the impulse control log,” Ruth said. “This helps us pinpoint where the impulse to self-mutilate comes from. Whenever you feel the urge to hurt yourself, in any way, we require you to write down your thoughts and feelings associated with the particular urge and whether or not you go through with the act.

“With that comes the Five Alternatives. We ask each patient to make a list of safe alternatives to self-harm. You are required to start with five but may add to it throughout your stay. Most patients do.

“Last are the writing assignments.  You will have four or five assignments a week that are aimed at helping your organize your thoughts and focus your energy in a safe and constructive manner. These assignments have no length requirement but they must be done. Then of course there is daily group therapy, one-on-one therapy, and visiting hours. Blaine, you may visit as often as you like for however long you like so long as Kurt completes what is required of him. We also offer family therapy sessions and individual sessions for you as well.

“Do you have any questions?” Ruth asked.

Kurt shook his head though a thousand different questions were running through his mind.

“I’m sure you will later and always feel free to ask. Now, I will show you to your room. You’ll be sharing a room with Tristan Yates. He’s a very nice boy. I’m sure you’ll get along fine.”

Kurt grasped Blaine’s hand even tighter as they exited the office. How was he going to survive a month in this place?


	23. Chapter 22:  I Surrender Honestly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was not easy to write. The next chapter will most likely be a writing assignment or two but don’t hold me to it. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Beside You” belongs to Marianas Trench. “Gone, Gone, Gone” belongs to Phillip Phillips.

Chapter Twenty-two: I Surrender Honestly

Sunday December 2, 2012

 “That really happened?” a voice asked from over his shoulder.

 Kurt jumped; he thought he was alone. He gathered the papers strewn across the desk and flipped them over so a blank page was on top.

 “That’s private,” Kurt snapped.

 “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” the voice said, moving away to the other side of the room.

Kurt paused, glancing down at the papers before him to the seventeen-year-old boy who would be his roommate for the next month. He seemed sad. Mentally, Kurt kicked himself. Of course he was sad. He was inpatient. Kurt sighed. There was no point in keeping secrets. They were all here to air their dirty laundry after all. Kurt turned in his chair to face the brunette.

"Yes, it really happened,” Kurt answered.

“Your school didn’t-”

“You’ll find the schools in Ohio are not very understanding to the plight of the young gay students,” Kurt interrupted. “They _allowed_ it to happen,” Kurt said angrily.

"What did you do?” Tristan asked.

“I ran,” Kurt admitted. “I tried to hurt myself, but my fiancé stopped me. He gave me the courage to go back in and face my critics, which is what I did. I took my crown and then I slow danced with my fiancé in front of the whole school.”

“I wish I was that brave,” Tristan muttered.

“You just have to have courage,” Kurt said, smiling when he thought of Blaine.

The conversation over, Kurt turned back to his work. The assignment was to write his biography, which was proving to be just as painful as Kurt had predicted. He yawned widely. It was only his first full day at S.A.F.E. and he was mentally exhausted. Kurt had broken down crying multiple times and his face felt drawn and tight from all the tears. He had only had time to call Blaine once, begging him to take him home. Blaine had promised he’d visit during Kurt’s free time. Now, he was thirty minutes late and Kurt was beginning to wonder if he was going to show. He considered walking the short distance to the day room to call once more but decided against it. He needed to finish the writing assignment. Besides, he could hardly blame Blaine for not wanting to visit. He didn’t want to be here either; the only difference was Kurt had no choice.

Sighing, Kurt picked up his pencil and began to write again. His ears picked up the sound of the piano from the dayroom and he paused. Then a voice rose up and Kurt was sprinting from the room, leaving a shocked Tristan behind him.

_When your tears are spent on your last pretense,_

_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense._

_When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles,_

_And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while._

Kurt entered the dayroom, his eyes flying to the piano against the far wall. There was Blaine, his hands flying over the keys. His eyes met Kurt’s as he sang.

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up._

_And I will hide you when it gets too much._

_I'll be right beside you._

_I'll be right beside you._

He approached the piano and dropped down onto the piano beside his fiancé. Blaine didn’t break his gaze from Kurt. His hands continued to move across the keyboard with precision. After such a hard day, Kurt longed for physical contact. He rest his hand on Blaine’s thigh but didn’t dare slide closer to him. He didn’t want to disturb him while he played.

_When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath._

_When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless._

_When you try to speak but you make no sound,_

_And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud._

Kurt wished Blaine would take him away from this place, but he knew he had to stay. After all, Blaine was one of the reasons Kurt was here. Blaine was the reason Kurt had first decided to stop hurting himself. Now he was the one helping Kurt to stick to stopping.

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up._

_And I will hide you when it gets too much._

_I'll be right beside you._

_I'll be right beside you._

_I will stay._

_Nobody will break you, yeah._

Blaine and Kurt could feel the eyes of everyone in the dayroom on them. They both ignored them. Blaine’s main focus was Kurt. He knew the day had been far from easy for his fiancé and he needed to reassure him that everything would be okay. They _would_ make it through this.

_Trust in me, trust in me._

_Don't pull away._

_Just trust in me, trust in me._

_Cause I'm just trying to keep this together,_

_Because I could do worse and you could do better._

Listening to Blaine’s voice helped Kurt overcome the terrible emotions of the day. He was able to push past the anxiety and pain that plagued him and cherish the love that he felt radiating off of Blaine.

_Tears are spent on your last pretense._

_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense._

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up._

_And I will hide you when it gets too much._

_I'll be right beside you._

_Nobody will break you._

_And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up._

_And I will hide you when it gets too much._

_I'll be right beside you._

_Nobody will break you._

The second Blaine’s hands fell from the piano keys Kurt burrowed himself into Blaine’s arms. Blaine held him tightly, knowing it was exactly what Kurt needed to feel better. Blaine became aware of their audience and spoke softly in Kurt’s ear, “Do you want to go to your room?”

Kurt pulled back, nodding. Blaine surprised Kurt by reaching for his guitar case which Kurt had yet to notice and following him away from the crowd in the dayroom and towards the room Kurt shared with Tristan.

“You bought your guitar,” Kurt stated, swinging their arms between them as they walked with hands clasped.

“I just learned a new song,” Blaine answered as Kurt pushed open the door to his room and led Blaine inside, closing the door behind them. “That’s why I’m late. I wanted to be able to play it perfectly for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Kurt said with a smile, perching on the end of his bed.

“It’s nothing less than what you deserve,” Blaine replied, sitting beside him.

“You always give me too much credit,” Kurt said, looking away.

“I give credit where credit is due,” Blaine corrected. He looked Kurt over carefully, frowning at the unusual pallor of Kurt’s skin. He was paler than was normal for Kurt Hummel. “I wish this didn’t have to be so hard.”

“We never said it would be easy,” Kurt said with a sigh. A tear escaped to trickle down his cheek. “God, I can’t stop crying today.”

“This is all new and very scary. I’d be worried if you weren’t crying,” Blaine said, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him into his side. “How did it go with the psychiatrist?”

“His name is Dr. Edwards. He seems nice enough. I think he wants to prescribe a mood stabilizer to add with to my antidepressant,” Kurt said without emotion.

Blaine nodded against Kurt’s head. “I hope you know just how proud I am of you.”

“I don’t deserve it. Not yet at least,” Kurt said. “But I will make you proud of me. I will be someone you can be proud of.”

“You already are,” Blaine promised, his hand coming up to cup the back of Kurt’s head. “You agreed to come all the way out here to get help. And, God, I just don’t know what I would do without you.”

Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s, trying to convey all of his love through his touch. They kissed slowly until a knock sounded on the door and they leapt apart like teenagers who’d been caught by their parents. Tristan pushed the door open nervously.

“I-I’m sorry. I just wanted to get my book,” Tristan said, averting his eyes. He didn’t enter the room but seemed to be waiting for permission.

“It’s okay, Tristan. This is your room too,” Kurt said. He felt bad about his outburst earlier. Tristan was heartbreakingly shy already and Kurt was sure he hadn’t helped. Kurt offered him a smile. “Tristan, this is my fiancé. Blaine, this is Tristan Yates.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Blaine said. He pushed himself to his feet, offering his hand out to Tristan.

“You too,” Tristan said awkwardly. His eyes went to Blaine’s outstretched hand. For a second he seemed unsure of himself before he entered the room and shook Blaine’s hand.

“What book are you reading?” Blaine asked, hoping to draw Tristan into a conversation.

Tristan’s eyes had found Blaine’s guitar and he ignored the question, asking Blaine, “You play the guitar?”

"I do,” Blaine said with a smile. “Actually, I brought it to play something for Kurt. Would you like to hear it?”

Tristan looked to Kurt, silently wondering if he minded the intrusion. Kurt smiled encouragingly. Tristan walked around Blaine to sit on his bed.

“Yes, please,” Tristan answered.

Blaine sat down beside Kurt again, pulling his guitar case towards him. He grabbed the instrument and strummed a few times to ensure it was still tuned. Satisfied, he looked up at his fiancé with a smile as he began to sing.

_When life leaves you high and dry_

_I'll be at your door tonight._

_If you need help, if you need help_

_I'll shut down the city lights._

_I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe_

_To make you well, to make you well._

_When enemies are at your door_

_I'll carry you away from more_

_If you need help, if you need help._

_Your hope dangling by a string_

_I'll share in your suffering_

_To make you well, to make you well._

_Give me reasons to believe_

_That you would do the same for me._

Kurt knew there was nothing Blaine would not do for him. When he had agreed to go to St. Charles, Missouri for rehab he had expected to travel alone. He had never thought that Blaine would give up a month of his life to travel with him. He had never expected that Blaine would move to a strange city for a month just so Kurt didn’t have to be alone.

_And I would do it for you, for you._

_Baby, I'm not moving on_

_I’ll love you long after you're gone._

_For you, for you._

_You will never sleep alone._

_I’ll love you long after you're gone_

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone._

_When you fall like a statue_

_I'm gon' be there to catch you_

_Put you on your feet, you on your feet._

_And if your well is empty_

_Not a thing will prevent me._

_Tell me what you need, what do you need?_

_I surrender honestly._

_You’ve always done the same for me._

Blaine knew Kurt needed him. But what Kurt didn’t know was just how much Blaine needed him as well. The thought of losing Kurt was too much for Blaine to bear. The week Kurt had been unconscious in the hospital had changed them both and their relationship. Yes, they were stronger because of it but Blaine also knew how fragile their lives were. Everything could change in a matter of seconds.

_So I would do it for you, for you._

_Baby, I'm not moving on,_

_I’ll love you long after you're gone._

_For you, for you._

_You will never sleep alone._

_I’ll love you long after you're gone_

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone._

_You're my back bone._

_You're my cornerstone._

_You're my crutch when my legs stop moving._

_You're my head start._

_You're my rugged heart._

_You're the pulse that I've always needed._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum my heart never stops beating._

They both knew this would not be easy on their relationship by any means. They had not spent this little time together since Kurt had attended McKinley while Blaine was still enrolled at Dalton. They could only see each other for a few hours every day. Blaine would cherish those hours. He would not let this break them.

_For you, for you._

_Baby, I'm not moving on._

_I’ll love you long after you're gone._

_For you, for you._

_You will never sleep alone._

_I’ll love you long after you're gone._

_For you, for you._

_Baby, I'm not moving on,_

_I’ll love you long after you're gone._

_For you, for you._

_You will never sleep alone._

_I’ll love you long, long after you're gone._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating._

_Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you._

_And long after you're gone, gone, gone._

_I’ll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone._

Kurt was smiling so widely his cheeks hurt. Blaine didn’t have time to move his guitar before Kurt had flung himself into his arms. His injured arm collided hard with the instrument. Kurt cursed loudly. Blaine was instantly pushing him back, one hand on Kurt’s left elbow. He was always careful to avoid touching his left arm lower than his elbow.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked worriedly.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I loved the song. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine said. He allowed Kurt to distract him with a kiss. When they pulled apart Blaine turned to ask Tristan if he had enjoyed the song but the boy was gone. “I guess we scared him off.”

"He’s shy,” Kurt told Blaine needlessly. He explained what had happened earlier.

“I’m sure there’s no lasting damage,” Blaine assured him. “After all, you have a month to build up a relationship with the guy.”

Kurt groaned, flopping backwards so he was stretched out on the bed. “Don’t remind me. A month is far too long to sleep without you.”

“Well, we may not be able to sleep together but we can cuddle for as long as you want,” Blaine told him.

Kurt automatically turned onto his side, leaving enough room behind him for Blaine to fit on the twin mattress. Blaine spooned up behind him, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him backward so they were pressed flush together.

“I’m so proud of you,” Blaine told him again, pressing a kiss to the back of Kurt’s neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”


	24. Chapter 23:  Thoughts in My Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I decided not to write the writing assignments that Kurt has to do while at S.A.F.E. I wrote half of the first one but realized quickly that as a reader myself it was not something I would want to read and quite frankly it was boring. I hope this chapter is decidedly less boring. This chapter stemmed from my own struggles recently with my own weight. ED is always in the back of your mind, no matter whether you’re acting on the thoughts or not. And being at a “healthy” weight can be completely agonizing. This is where Kurt’s emotions come from.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “People Like Us” belongs to Kelly Clarkson. “Pale” belongs to Within Temptation.

 

Chapter Twenty-Three: Thoughts in My Mind

_“To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.” – William Shakespeare, Henry VIII_

Monday December 10, 2012

Kurt had been at S.A.F.E. Alternatives for a week. He was amazed how relaxed he felt locked away from the outside world. That calm did not last during his therapy sessions, both with the group and individually. He was thankful he could find peace in sleep at least. Every night he fell into bed, exhausted after a long day of continuous therapy. Kurt was glad he managed to fall asleep quickly, otherwise he knew he would miss Blaine even more than he already did.

Blaine was doing his best to keep himself busy while Kurt had therapy. The first weekend he had attended the support group for loved ones of patients. He had bought a new guitar from a local music store and after the owner of a small café heard him testing the instrument, had landed a job performing for tips during the busy lunch hours. Every day, Blaine played at the café from twelve to two. Then he spent the rest of the evening with Kurt until it was time for Kurt’s evening group session.

Kurt was glad Blaine had found ways to keep himself busy. His own days were planned for him and he had worried Blaine would grow bored and return to New York. Blaine was not about to leave Kurt in a strange city, something Kurt now realized.

Blaine’s presence was soothing for Kurt. After a particularly hard session he couldn’t wait to feel Blaine’s strong arms envelope him. Kurt’s anxiety may have left but he was still battling his depression. In fact, Kurt had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

Following the diagnosis, Blaine had spent hours on his laptop doing research. He was alarmed by what his initial searches showed. Reports of higher suicide rates, shorter life expectancy and an unavoidable lifetime of depression frightened Blaine. He spoke of his fears during group and was relieved to hear he was not alone in his worries. The counselor assured Blaine that with proper treatment – consisting of a regime of medications and therapy – Kurt could live a long, happy life.

Kurt took the diagnosis much better, perhaps because he had other things to focus his mind on. He struggled every day with urges to self-harm whether it was to cut into his own skin, burn his flesh, or purge the food that he ingested. Kurt knew there was no way he could restrict food, not under the watchful eye of the counselors and nurses. Just that morning a pair of formerly loose pants fit him tighter and Kurt instantly felt a black cloud surround him. The jeans in question were skinny jeans of course, but with all the weight Kurt had lost they had become loose. Now they were almost back to fitting the way they were supposed to.

After lunch, Kurt was not permitted to enter the bathroom until thirty minutes after each meal. He was watched carefully while he ate. The doctors did their best to act normal but Kurt knew they watched him. They took note of what he ate and how much. He hated the attention. Currently, he was waiting for Blaine to visit. He knew he would be under supervision until the thirty minutes were up and had resigned himself to the fact. With a sigh, he plopped down on the piano bench and raised his hands over the keys.

_We come into this world unknown._

_But know that we are not alone._

_They try and knock us down._

_But change is coming, it's our time now._

_Hey… everybody loses it._

_Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes._

_And hey… yeah I know what you're going through._

_Don't let it get the best of you; you'll make it out alive._

_Oh!_

Kurt’s urges were still there. He struggled with them daily. Most times he did not know why he felt the sudden urge to hurt himself. There was no trigger that preceded the urge. All he knew was the twitch he felt in his wrists as the need set in.

_People like us, we've gotta stick together._

_Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever._

_Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten._

_It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_We are all misfits living in a world on fire._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

Surrounded by people who were struggling with the same urges helped Kurt. The first week at S.A.F.E. he wore his usual long-sleeved shirts, but after he saw others walking around in short-sleeves with their scars bared without a second thought he did the same. Seeing his scars reminded him of why he could not allow himself to give in and hurt himself. He would not intentionally leave another mark on his skin.

_Hey, this is not a funeral._

_It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage._

_Just wait, everything will be okay._

_Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames._

_Oh!_

His second day at S.A.F.E., Kurt had been instructed to make a list of reasons to _not_ self-harm. He took to reading this list every day as a reminder. Now he could repeat the list to himself as a mantra whenever the urges to self-harm became particularly bad.

_People like us, we've gotta stick together._

_Keep your head up nothing lasts forever._

_Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten._

_It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_We are all misfits living in a world on fire._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

Blaine had never been more proud of his fiancé. Kurt tried his hardest every day so that he could get better. He tried for himself, not just for Blaine. He _wanted_ to get better so they could return to New York City and finally live the life they had always wanted. Kurt knew that life was only possible if he gave up his self-harm completely.

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

_They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me._

_This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed._

_So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare._

_Tonight we're gonna change forever._

Blaine stood in the doorway of the dayroom, watching as Kurt’s hands glided over the piano keys. He knew Kurt missed his family and friends. They both did. Blaine hoped the next three weeks would pass quickly.

_Everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes._

_Oh!_

_People like us, we've gotta stick together._

_Keep your head up nothing lasts forever._

_Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten._

_It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_We are all misfits living in a world on fire._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

Blaine perched on the piano bench beside Kurt; Kurt turned to smile at him but did not stop playing. Blaine was not surprised to find Kurt at the piano. He had received a call from Dr. Edwards that morning. Kurt had barely eaten any breakfast and even less lunch.

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_You've just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_We're all misfits living in a world on fire._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_You've just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher._

_Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh_

_Sing it for the people like us, the people like us._

Kurt closed the lid over the piano keys, resting his hands on top of the smooth wood. Blaine offered him his hand, palm up.

“Do you want to go to your room?” Blaine asked.

“We can’t,” Kurt said with a shake of his head. “Tristan is asleep.”

“Let’s go to the courtyard then,” Blaine suggested.

“All right,” Kurt agreed. “Just let me get my coat.”

Blaine waited in the dayroom while Kurt went to fetch his peacoat from his room. He slipped into the warmth of the coat as he made his way out of the unit with Blaine.

“Dr. Edwards called me,” Blaine began when they entered the courtyard.

“I figured he would,” Kurt said dismally. He wiped the snow off of the concrete edge of the fountain in the center of the courtyard and sat down.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re restricting food again?” Blaine asked softly.

“I’m not restricting,” Kurt protested. Blaine gave him a look. “What, I’m not! I’m eating.”

“Barely,” Blaine interjected.

“You don’t know what it’s like!” Kurt exclaimed, his hands shaking as his emotions overwhelmed him.

“Then tell me, Kurt, please! Help me to understand,” Blaine pleaded.

Tears rolled down Kurt’s cheeks and he wiped them away quickly. Finally he said, “I just can’t stop it.”

“Stop what?” Blaine pried carefully.

“The thoughts swimming around my head telling me that I’m fat, that I’m disgusting. That this food has so many calories and if I eat it I’ll gain this much weight. Every bite I take I feel like I’m a failure. I feel the food slide down my throat into my stomach and my only thought is to get it _out_ ,” Kurt sobbed.

“Oh baby.” Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. “Have you shared this with Dr. Edwards or during group?”

“I’m trying,” Kurt answered indirectly.

“I know you are, love, and I’m so proud of you,” Blaine assured him. “But have you let Dr. Edwards know that you’re having these thoughts?”

“We’ve talked about it some,” Kurt said.

“You need to tell him everything,” Blaine said gently.

“I will,” Kurt promised. “I want to get better.”

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that,” Blaine said, holding Kurt closer. He pressed his cheek to Kurt’s and began to sing.

_The world seems not the same,_

_Though I know nothing has changed._

_It's all my state of mind._

_I can't leave it all behind._

_I have to stand up to be stronger._

Somehow, Blaine had picked the perfect song to emphasize exactly what Kurt was feeling. Now that he was in recovery, Kurt felt like everything should have changed drastically overnight. Except it hadn’t. His thoughts were still consumed with self-harm no matter how hard he tried to push them away.

_I have to try_

_To break free_

_From the thoughts in my mind._

_Use the time that I have_

_I can say goodbye._

_Have to make it right._

_Have to fight_

_'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

_That the pain that I feel slowly fades away._

_It will be all right._

In a way, Kurt was having to say goodbye to his self-harm. He had relied on different ways of hurting himself to cope with his feelings for a long time and now he had to remember how to feel properly again. He had to stay strong through each urge and every thought.

_I know_

_I should realize_

_Time is precious._

_It is worthwhile._

_Despite how I feel inside_

_Have to trust it'll be alright._

_Have to stand up to be stronger._

Everything they had been through had taught them both that life was too short. Kurt didn’t want to waste another moment by giving in to self-harm. He wanted to get better so he could live the happy life he deserved with Blaine.

_I have to try_

_To break free_

_From the thoughts in my mind._

_Use the time that I have_

_I can say goodbye._

_Have to make it right._

_Have to fight_

_'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

_That the pain that I feel slowly fades away._

_It will be all right._

But that was easier said than done. The thoughts were so loud inside Kurt’s head they easily blocked out any positive ones. That was when he needed Blaine to remind him that he was strong enough to do this. He could beat his self-harm and he would.

_Oh, this night is too long._

_Have no strength to go on._

_No more pain I'm floating away._

_Through the mist I see the face_

_Of an angel, calls my name._

_I remember you're the reason I have to stay._

Kurt vowed to do his best to ignore the pro-ana thoughts that plagued him. He would eat every day. He would participate more in group. He would communicate with Dr. Edwards. If he didn’t, rehabilitation would never work and the month in St. Charles would be in vain.

_I have to try_

_To break free_

_From the thoughts in my mind._

_Use the time that I have_

_I can say goodbye._

_Have to make it right._

_Have to fight_

_'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile._

_That the pain that I feel slowly fades away._

_It will be all right._

Kurt dried his eyes, pressing a kiss to Blaine’s cheek.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Blaine answered. “Just get better.”

“I will. I promise.”

“I love you,” Blaine said, pulling Kurt to his feet.

“I love you too,” Kurt replied as he allowed himself to be led out of the courtyard.

“Forever?” Blaine asked, holding the door open for Kurt.

“Always,” Kurt vowed.


	25. Chapter 24:  Changing Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This story is coming to a close. I’m not sure how many more chapters there will be. I’m tentative of writing a sequel but at the least I will write a series of one-shots from this verse. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Invisible” belongs to Hunter Hayes.

 

Chapter Twenty-Four: Changing Plans

Tuesday December 18, 2012

“Do you feel this?” Dr. Cameron asked, touching Kurt’s wrist at his tendons.

“No,” Kurt said sadly. “It still feels numb.”

The doctor frowned. She turned to look at Kurt’s MRI once more.

“The nerves are growing back together, as are the tendons. But I don’t want you trying to move your wrist yet. You could still injure your wrist further. I’ve heard you’ve been playing the piano in the unit,” Dr. Cameron stated.

“Yes, I didn’t think it would be a problem,” Kurt said.

“How is your motion in your fingers?” Dr. Cameron asked.

“My fingers are stiff and numb,” Kurt said. “It makes it harder to use them.”

“Try not to overdo it but I don’t see why you can’t play every once in a while,” Dr. Cameron said, brushing back her long blonde hair. “If you have any problems let one of the unit nurses know and they’ll tell me. Otherwise, you can follow up with your doctor in New York upon your release.”

“Thank you, Dr. Cameron,” Blaine said, shaking the woman’s hand as she exited the exam room. He helped Kurt slide off of the table and led him back towards the unit. “Are you okay?”

“Disappointed,” Kurt answered. “I was hoping there was an actual reason I don’t have feeling back yet.”

“Well you did completely sever the nerves and tendons in that wrist,” Blaine pointed out.

“Thanks, like I could forgot,” Kurt snapped.

“Hey, I’m just trying to be supportive,” Blaine said. “You don’t know what it was like for me. Your heart stopped, Kurt. I brought you back to life. And even after that you had two heart attacks.”

“I know,” Kurt said, squeezing Blaine’s hand. “I’m sorry. This is just hard for me. I feel like everything has changed. I wanted to be a performer but now I can’t even use my left hand.”

“Wanted?” Blaine asked in surprise. “As in the past tense?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” Kurt said shyly, “and I don’t know if that’s what I want anymore. I’ve been teaching Tristan to play the piano during our free period and I really enjoy it. Maybe I could be a music teacher. Either way, I can’t go back to NYADA.”

“You know I’ll support you no matter what you decide,” Blaine said. “I just hate to see you give up on your dream.”

“Dreams change,” Kurt said simply. “And as long as I have you, I have my dream.”

“I love you,” Blaine said.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

“Forever?”

“Always.”

Stopping outside the door leading into the unit, Blaine presses a kiss to Kurt’s lips. Kurt’s good hand curled at his side and he lifted that arm to wrap around Blaine’s neck. Blaine stepped closer, mindful of Kurt’s bad arm between them where it rested in a sling. Kurt didn’t care and moved even closer, his hand tangling in Blaine’s curls as he deepened the kiss. The sound of a throat clearing had them jumping apart with furious blushes.

“Sorry,” Blaine said to the nurse technician.

The woman merely smiled before she opened the door to the unit. She motioned for Kurt and Blaine to enter first. Blaine laced his fingers with Kurt’s and pulled him through the doorway. They walked into the dayroom, which was empty as group therapy was being held (Kurt had been excused so he could attend his appointment with the neurologist).

“What did you mean when you said you couldn’t go back to NYADA?” Blaine asked.

He lay down on his back on the most comfortable couch in the room. Kurt joined him, lying on his side with his head pillowed on Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine’s arms immediately wrapped around him, causing a wide grin to grace Kurt’s face. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s jawline.

“I can’t go back there after what happened,” Kurt said simply.

“Are you afraid everyone will know?” Blaine asked knowingly.

“Partly,” Kurt admitted. “But I’m not ashamed anymore, Blaine. I have a problem and I’m getting help. But I refuse to be bullied any longer. I’ve been a victim my entire life and I’m not going to be another statistic. Not anymore. I’ve tried fighting but nothing helps. I only ever end up feeling invisible.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Blaine asked, turning onto his side to properly face Kurt.

Kurt rubbed his nose against Blaine’s. “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s not like I had any friends at NYADA other than Rachel and I don’t think I could handle the stress of being a performer. I really think I want to be a teacher.”

“If you’re doing this because of the stress of performing, you’re not giving yourself enough credit,” Blaine said sternly.

“Blaine, I’m doing this for a lot of reasons. Can’t you just trust me?” Kurt asked.

“I do trust you, more than anyone or anything,” Blaine said. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips. When he pulled away he asked, “You know you’re not invisible. You outshine every star in the sky.”

“To you,” Kurt said with a fond smile.

“To many people,” Blaine disagreed with a shake of his head. He kissed Kurt again before moving to the piano. With his hands poised over the keys, he looked back to Kurt and began to sing.

_Crowded hallways are the loneliest places_

_For outcasts and rebels,_

_Or anyone who just dares to be different._

_And you've been trying for so long_

_To find out where your place is._

_But in their narrow minds,_

_There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different._

_Oh, but listen for a minute._

Even before Kurt had come to terms with his sexuality, he had known he was different. And his peers knew it too. Kurt had never honestly felt like he belonged until he met Blaine. Then there was one place he knew he belonged: in Blaine’s loving arms.

_Trust the one_

_Who's been where you are wishing all it was_

_Was sticks and stones._

_Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone._

_And you're not invisible._

_Hear me out,_

_There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now._

_Someday you'll look back on all these days,_

_And all this pain is gonna be invisible._

_Oh, invisible._

Before transferring to Dalton, Blaine went through similar circumstances to Kurt. He had spent nights crying himself to sleep after enduring hurtful words from his peers. Unlike Kurt, Blaine had not been alone. He had another friend who was also out, not that it mattered much to the bullies. But to Blaine it made all the difference in the world. Sometimes Kurt still felt alone even though he knew he had Blaine and the others.

_So your confidence is quiet;_

_To them quiet looks like weakness._

_But you don't have to fight it._

_'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war._

_Yeah, every heart has a rhythm._

_Let yours beat out so loudly_

_That everyone can hear it._

_Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore._

_Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different._

_Dare to be something more!_

To Blaine, there was no one more beautiful – inside or out – than Kurt. He carried himself with such grace and he was confident but not to the point of being cocky. Other people, Kurt included, saw him as weak but Blaine knew just how strong his fiancé was. The fact that Kurt had come to St. Charles proved that. Even though Kurt had never been more terrified in his life, he still boarded the plane and came to S.A.F.E. Alternatives.

_Trust the one_

_Who's been where you are wishing all it was_

_Was sticks and stones._

_Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone._

_And you're not invisible._

_Hear me out,_

_There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now._

_And someday you'll look back on all these days,_

_And all this pain is gonna be invisible._

Despite their peers, they had found each other in a small town in Ohio. They had both been tormented horrendously but it was worth it to find each other in the end. They knew that if given the chance they would go through it all again just so they could find each other.

_These labels that they give you_

_Just 'cause they don't understand._

_If you look past this moment,_

_You'll see you've got a friend,_

_Waving a flag for who you are_

_And all you're gonna do._

_Yeah, so here's to you._

_And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible!_

Things would not always be easy, even if they did live in one of the most accepting cities in the United States. There would still be people who looked down on them for simply loving someone of the same sex. But those people were small-minded and ignorant. Those people didn’t matter. Because love is love and above all the important thing was that there was a little bit more love in the world because of them.

_Yeah, and you're not invisible!_

_Hear me out,_

_There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now._

_And someday you'll look back on all these days,_

_And all this pain is gonna be invisible._

_It'll be invisible._

Kurt pulled Blaine away from the piano. His right arm wound around his neck as their lips met. Blaine’s hands fell to Kurt’s hips, pulling him closer. Kurt forced himself to take a step away from Blaine, laughing when Blaine chased his mouth with his lips.

“Let’s take this to my room,” Kurt suggested.

When Blaine smiled, Kurt took his hand and led him down the hall to the room Kurt shared with Tristan. They had practice arranging themselves in the small twin bed; Kurt stretched out on his back and their lips met when Blaine draped himself over his fiancé’s body. They missed the intimacy of making love but as they were constantly being watched they made themselves content with making out like teenagers.

Tristan found them that way thirty minutes later. Blaine had been allowed to join them for lunch that day so the three of them walked over to the cafeteria together. As they filled their trays up, Kurt could feel Blaine’s eyes on him. He watched everything that Kurt put on his tray. Kurt did his best to ignore him but once they were seated and eating Blaine continued to watch every morsel that moved from the plate to Kurt’s mouth.

“Will you stop watching me?” Kurt finally snapped. “It’s bad enough that all the nurse techs are watching everything I eat. I don’t need it from you too.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said guiltily. “I just wanted to make sure you’re eating. I haven’t eaten a meal with you in two weeks.”

“It’s not your job to ensure that I’m eating. That’s why the nurse techs are here,” Kurt reminded him. “It’s hard enough to eat as it is without you watching me.”

“It hasn’t gotten any easier?” Blaine asked. He made sure to avert his eyes to his own food as Kurt ate.

“Not really,” Kurt said with a heavy sigh. “Every bite I take, I can feel myself getting fatter and fatter. It makes me anxious to eat and that makes me want to hurt myself.”

Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s knee, squeezing it.

“Two more weeks, love,” Blaine reminded him. “Then we’ll be home.”

“I can’t wait,” Kurt said honestly.

**K/B**

Friday December 21, 2012

“I did as you asked and we were right,” Blaine said when he walked into Kurt’s room that day.

Kurt looked up from the papers he was poring over. He was almost done with the latest writing assignment. He used his good hand to push himself to his feet and kissed Blaine chastely.

“It’s too late for next semester?” Kurt asked, already knowing the answer.

“I’m afraid so,” Blaine answered. They settled on Kurt’s small bed, curled around one another.

“Well it gives me time to explore my options. I still haven’t chosen between NYU and Columbia and there are other schools that I could still apply to,” Kurt said.

“I caught Jamie Tworkowski on the news the other day talking about his non-profit organization, To Write Love on Her Arms,” Blaine stated. “It got me thinking of your story and how many people you have connected to while you’ve been here. With your permission, I’d like to share your story with others.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked quizzically.

“Well, when you changed your mind about performing it got me thinking too. I’m not sure that I want that anymore either. But I’ve always enjoyed writing and according to the creative writing teacher at Dalton I was quite good at it. I want to write a book about your experience,” Blaine said. “Aren’t you the one who always said if you didn’t share your story others couldn’t benefit from it?”

“You’re not doing this because of me, are you?” Kurt asked uncertainly.

“What? No!” Blaine assured him.

“Because if you still want to perform I’m perfectly fine with that,” Kurt continued.

“I love to perform. We both do. And while a life as a performer would be fulfilling, I want to leave this world knowing that I helped others. How can I do that if I spend all of my time on the stage?” Blaine asked.

“You really want to do this?” Kurt inquired.

“I really do,” Blaine answered.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Kurt said after a while.

“Really?” Blaine asked, surprised.

“Really, really,” Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine kissed him gently. They had not known that their futures would change so drastically when Kurt agreed to rehabilitation, but neither regretted it one bit.


	26. Chapter 25:  Finding Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sorry it’s been so long since an update. I’ve had really bad depression and haven’t been able to write at all. This is the final chapter. You can expect an epilogue but I’m not sure when I’ll write it yet. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through this!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Over You” belongs to Miranda Lambert.

Chapter Twenty-Five: Finding Happiness

_The death of a beloved is an amputation._

-          _C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed_

Monday December 24, 2012

The ringing of his cell phone woke Blaine on the morning of Christmas Eve. He reached for his phone on his nightstand and groggily answered it without looking at the caller ID.

H-hello?” he answered through a yawn.

“I can’t do this,” Kurt said. Blaine could tell he had been crying and sat up straight in bed.

“What can’t you do?” Blaine asked in confusion.

Kurt sobbed something unintelligible. His breath hitched in his throat and he fought to keep from hyperventilating.

“Kurt, baby, I can’t understand you. Take deep breaths,” Blaine instructed. He climbed out of bed and pulled out the first T-shirt and jeans he found in his dresser. Setting the phone on speaker, he tugged the shirt over his head as the sounds of Kurt’s cries continued to drift down the line. Blaine thrust one leg into the jeans, tripping over the pants as he stuck his other leg in and wiggled his hips to pull them up.

“I don’t want it to be Christmas,” Kurt finally mumbled just as Blaine was reaching for the keys to the car he was renting while in St. Charles.

Blaine ran out of the apartment, barely remembering to lock the door behind him. On the other side of the line, Kurt had dissolved into tears once more.

“I know this is hard, baby, but you only have a few more days,” Blaine reminded him. He forewent the elevator in favor of the stairs and all but leapt down them. “I’m on my way,” Blaine said with Kurt didn’t respond. “Can you do me a favor and go sit in the dayroom? Why don’t you try to find Lara and talk to her until I get there?”

“Okay,” Kurt murmured. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine answered. “I’ll see you soon.”

Blaine hoped Kurt would take his advice and find Lara or one of the other nurses. He didn’t need to be alone right now. He only barely obeyed traffic laws on the drive to the hospital, desperate to reach Kurt. Once he reached the hospital, Blaine all but ran across the parking lot, scarcely remembering to lock the rental car.

Blaine was surprised to see Kurt sitting on the piano bench in front of the instrument with Lara by his side. His face was streaked with tears but he had stopped crying for the moment. Blaine breathed a sigh of relief. Lara looked up as Blaine approached. She stood up, clasped Kurt’s shoulder and murmured something to him before leaving.

“Are you feeling better?” Blaine asked as he plopped down beside Kurt.

“Not really,” Kurt answered honestly. His hands continued to move over the keys. His left fingers fumbled and he missed the correct note. Kurt had some difficulties playing with his left hand as he couldn’t feel any sensations in the fingers and they remained stiff. Still, he was determined to regain the full use of his hand and wrist. “Can I play you something?”

“Of course,” Blaine replied. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s cheek, satisfied that it brought a small smile to Kurt’s lips. Kurt began to play a familiar melody and Blaine listened as he sang.

_Weather man said it’s gonna snow._

_By now I should be used to the cold._

_Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary._

_It was only December;_

_I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me._

Kurt lost his mother in October of his eighth year. The holidays did not exist for the Hummels that year because the most important Hummel of all was missing. Kurt didn’t go trick-or-treating that Halloween. He stayed home with his father and they turned the porch light off to deter the neighborhood kids from visiting. At Thanksgiving, Kurt’s grandmothers from both sides of the family prepared dinner. Burt set a photograph of Elizabeth at her placemat on the table. No one had an appetite. Christmas was even worse.

_But you went away._

_How dare you?_

_I miss you._

_They say I’ll be okay._

_But I’m not going to ever get over you._

Two months had passed and everyone repeated that things would get better. Kurt and his father would be okay. But Christmas was Elizabeth’s favorite holiday. She prepared a grand feast every year, taking days to plan. Burt would always ask for her to wait for him to return home from work to brave the Ohioan winter to buy a Christmas tree but she never did listen. That year, Burt had forgotten to buy a tree until he saw eight-year-old Kurt hanging his mother’s perfume bottle from his window shade. Burt had bundled Kurt up and dragged him out into the night to find the perfect tree.

_Living alone here in this place,_

_I think of you, and I’m not afraid._

_Your favorite records make me feel better,_

_Cause you sing along_

_With every song._

_I know you didn’t mean to give them to me._

Each Christmas following got easier; except for the current year. This year was almost as bad as that first year without her. This Christmas, Kurt was away from his entire family, excluding Blaine. Normally, he would depend on his father to get them both through the holidays. This was Kurt’s first Christmas without his father as well as his mother.

_But you went away._

_How dare you?_

_I miss you._

_They say I’ll be okay._

_But I’m not going to ever get over you._

Kurt longed to hide in his room and pretend Christmas had already passed. The giant Christmas tree in the dayroom only served to deepen his melancholy every time he saw it. He grudgingly passed it each time he entered the room, hoping it would magically disappear before he was forced to reenter it.

_It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone._

_Cause you went away,_

_How dare you?_

_I miss you._

_They say I’ll be okay._

_But I’m not going to ever get over you._

His eyes were watering but Kurt refused to cry again. He was tired of crying. Blaine pulled him up from the bench and into his arms. Kurt clung to Blaine for several long seconds before Blaine gently pushed him back. Kurt grabbed his sling from the piano bench and slipped it back over his head.

“Let’s go talk in your room,” Blaine suggested.

At Kurt’s nod, Blaine led the way. Tristan had been discharged several days prior and Kurt now had the room to himself. He missed him already, but they had promised to keep in touch. Blaine sank onto Kurt’s bed, pulling Kurt onto his lap. Kurt buried his face in Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine waited patiently for Kurt to speak.

“I’ve always heard suffering is a part of life,” Kurt finally said. “I just can’t understand why.”

Blaine sighed. “Because we love. If we didn’t feel anything for another person then we wouldn’t care when they left us.”

“I’m just so tired of feeling this way. It’s been eleven years. Shouldn’t I be coping better than this?” Kurt asked, pulling away to look Blaine in the eyes.

“There is no black and white way to grieve, Kurt. Every person grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way in which to grieve, as long as you are grieving,” Blaine answered.

“When did you get so smart?” Kurt asked with a small smile.

"It’s the pants I’m wearing,” Blaine replied.

“What?” Kurt asked in confusion.

"They’re smarty pants,” Blaine explained.

“You’re ridiculous,” Kurt said with a laugh.

“I got you to smile,” Blaine said.

“You did,” Kurt agreed. “Thank you.”

Blaine didn’t answer but pulled Kurt’s head down to kiss him. Christmas Day would not be any easier. But Kurt was able to enjoy decorating the Christmas tree with the other patients, even if he did tear up once or twice. Blaine was there for him to lean on. He always would be. But the most important thing was Kurt had finally learned to stand on his own.

**K/B**

Monday December 31, 2012

“Are you ready to go?” Blaine asked when Kurt met him at the nurse’s station with his luggage.

“You know it’s funny but I’m actually going to miss this place,” Kurt said.

Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulled him into his side. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple.

“I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way since you’ve been here. Most importantly, you’ve learned a lot. Now we can go home and start on the rest of our lives together.”

“I thought we had already started on our life together,” Kurt countered as he led the way out of the unit.

“You know what I mean,” Blaine said. “So much has changed over the past few months and now we can finally relax a bit.”

“And by relax you mean apply to colleges and look for part-time jobs,” Kurt said. “Sounds cathartic.”

“Why are you already worrying about that?” Blaine asked. “We have plenty of time before the deadlines for Columbia and NYU.”

“I’m always worried about something. It might as well be as important as our educations.”

“You still feel guilty,” Blaine realized.

Kurt didn’t answer, only held the door open for Blaine to exit the hospital. Blaine froze in place, turning Kurt to face him.

“This is not your fault,” Blaine said earnestly. “I made the decision to drop out. I made the decision to skip classes and stay with you. That’s on me.”

“But if I hadn’t cut too deep-”

“Then you wouldn’t have come to S.A.F.E. and who knows what would have happened,” Blaine interrupted. “Losing a semester of school was worth you coming here. Hell, if we hadn’t come here neither of us would have changed our majors.”

“What is your dad going to say,” Kurt continued. He walked past Blaine and out into the St. Charles sun.

“You let me worry about my father. I think I made it very clear to him that he has no say in my decisions anymore. I’m nineteen years old. He can’t do anything, legally or otherwise,” Blaine said as he followed Kurt to the rental car. He held the passenger door open for him. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise.”

**K/B**

Kurt and Blaine took a cab from the airport to the penthouse. The cab pulled up outside the Gramercy Park Hotel and Blaine grabbed the suitcase before Kurt could, ignoring his protests. They took the elevator to the upper floor of the penthouse. Blaine had talked Rachel and Finn into going out for dinner so he and Kurt could have some alone time.

The second the entered the dressing area of the master suite, Blaine dropped the suitcase to the ground. He pulled Kurt into his arms and kissed him passionately. Kurt responded immediately, running his right hand through Blaine’s loose curls. He tugged lightly, pulling Blaine’s head back to give him access to his neck. He pressed kisses to the sensitive skin, only stopping when Blaine pulled his shirt over his head.

Blaine lifted Kurt up and carried him into their bedroom. Everything was the way they had left it thirty days prior. Blaine laid Kurt on the bed and stretched out above him. Their lips met again. Kurt pushed him away slightly.

“Make love to me,” he requested.

Blaine smiled before lowering his mouth to Kurt’s once more.

**K/B**

Blaine sat with his back to the armrest of the sectional in the living room. Kurt leaned against him, between his parted legs. The TV was on but neither were paying attention. They were listening for Rachel and Finn who were due to arrive any second.

“They’re here,” Kurt said when he heard the lock turn to the front door.

Rachel and Finn burst into the room. Rachel squealed when she caught sight of them. Kurt laughed, jumping to his feet to hug them both in turn. Blaine did the same before collapsing back against the sectional, pulling Kurt to take up his previous position. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him close.

“I missed you so much,” Rachel said, sitting beside Kurt’s feet.

“We missed you too,” Kurt answered.

“So, do you feel any different?” Finn asked.

Kurt thought for a second. “I feel like the same person, just healthier. I learned healthy ways to cope with anxiety and depression and that doesn’t include hurting myself.”

“I can’t believe you dropped out of NYADA,” Rachel said.

Kurt sighed. “I know what you’re going to say, and yes I’m sure. I’m going to apply to NYU for their music education program. I don’t think I could take the stress of performing every night.”

“And I’m going to apply to Columbia for their English program,” Blaine told them. “I want to write a book about our experience. Maybe our story will help someone else.”

“Writing is a lot different from being on the stage,” Finn commented.

“Not really,” Blaine answered. “I’ll still be performing, but it will be on paper.”

“As long as you’re both happy,” Rachel said.

“We are,” Kurt said, sharing a smile with Blaine. And for the first time in a long time, he was happy.


	27. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have plans for a VERY short sequel to this story. It probably won’t be longer than five chapters or so. I haven’t begun to write it yet but I will add an update to this story when I begin to post it. Thank you again for those of you who have stuck with me until the end! Kurt’s post-rehab experience is largely based on my own.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.

Epilogue

December 30, 2013

Blaine stirred in his sleep, habitually reaching beside him to pull his fiancé closer. His arm met with cool sheets instead of warm flesh. Groaning, Blaine lifted his head from his pillow and squinted across the empty space beside him. He listened carefully, trying to discern where Kurt was in the penthouse. He heard the crumpling of paper from the study and pushed himself out of bed.

A year had passed since Kurt’s rehabilitation at S.A.F.E. Alternatives in St. Charles, Missouri. The first few months after his release had not been easy. Kurt frequently dissolved into tears, which his therapist, Andrew Sawin, assured Blaine was to be expected. The beauty of inpatient treatment was it relieved stress while the patient was admitted but upon release they once again had to deal with the real world.

With the help of his friends and family, Kurt quickly readapted to life after rehab. For an entire year, he had relied on sedatives to help him sleep at night. Now, he was trying to become less dependent on them and only use them when he absolutely needed to. The result was different almost every night. Some nights, Kurt fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. Other nights, he tossed and turned half the night until he finally retreated to the study so he would not wake Blaine. This was such a night.

A lot had changed over the past year, and not just Kurt’s sleeping habits. Finn and Rachel had found a loft in Bushwick to rent, giving both couples their own space and privacy. Kurt continued to watch his weight but found the exercise room in the penthouse to be too triggering and together with Blaine and Finn had converted the room into a music room. They moved the baby grand piano from the library with a little difficulty and had acquired a drum set as Blaine had long expressed a yearning to play. Now, Kurt spent more time playing instruments than exercising, though he did frequent the gym housed in the Gramercy Park Hotel. Some nights Blaine would find Kurt taking his frustrations out on the piano, but tonight it seemed he had chosen other means of catharsis.

“Hey, watch it!” Blaine exclaimed when a ball of paper flew through the air, narrowly missing his head.

“I woke you up,” Kurt said sadly, turning to face his fiancé. He held his arms out and Blaine went to him with a smile. Kurt pulled him down onto his lap. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You know I’d rather be awake with you than have you stewing alone. What’s going on up here?” he asked, tapping Kurt’s forehead.

“I’m trying to design the perfect tattoo to cover my scars,” Kurt said.

Blaine crossed the room to unravel the paper Kurt had thrown. Looking down he saw a simple sketch of the word “Courage” in cursive writing.

“What’s wrong with this?” Blaine asked as he brought the paper back to Kurt.

“It’s all wrong. I want something that really stands out.”

“Something that stands out yet you’re trying to cover your scars. Which, might I remind you, have not fully healed. Remember, the doctor said you have at least another three months before you’re fully healed.”

“I remember everything that prick said,” Kurt said scathingly.

The memory of his visit with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Richard Laurens, was forever instilled into his mind. Blaine had sworn Kurt would never see that man again.

_ Tuesday February 12, 2013 _

_“Mr. Hummel, I understand you are seeking treatment for several scars,” Dr. Laurens said as he opened the door to the exam room._

_Kurt climbed onto the exam table, leaving Blaine to sit in the chair beside him. Kurt had finally been released from his neurologist and no longer had to wear an arm brace for his torn tendons. The tendons had regrown successfully and all feeling had returned to Kurt’s wrist. The same could not be said of his fingers. Kurt had little to no sensation in his fingers and his movements were stiff at best. He was still determined to use his hand to the best of his ability._

_“More than several, actually,” Kurt corrected. “But the worst are those on my left wrist.”_

_“How did you come by these scars?” Dr. Laurens asked as he inspected Kurt’s wrist. “These look self-inflicted.”_

_“They were. There are others: on my stomach, abdomen and my thighs.”_

_“These scars are not fully healed as of yet. How long ago were they inflicted?”_

_“Three months ago.”_

_“Scars such as these require at least eighteen months to fully heal.”_

_“Eighteen months!” Kurt exclaimed._

_“The depth of the scars call for a longer healing process. However, there are several options for you, Mr. Hummel,” Dr. Laurens said as he sat on the rolling stool reserved for doctors. “Steroid injections are proven to flatten hypertrophic scars – meaning raised scars such as you have – and also help with the redness. The steroids are injected directly into the scars, which breaks down the collogen. These injections would also help with any itching sensation you may have. I’m sure you already know itching means your scar is healing.”_

_“Yes,” Kurt said. “What are the other options?”_

_“Silicone gel sheets can flatten the scar. This is a rather simple process. You apply the sheet and it is worn 24 hours a day. There is also laser skin resurfacing but that is generally for most extreme cases.”_

_“These aren’t extreme?” Kurt asked, raising his left wrist. Scars covered a good bit of Kurt’s body, but the scars on his left wrist were the worst. They were an ugly purple and the skin was raised. These scars were from that fateful November evening._

_“Mr. Hummel, I simply mean to ask if you are sure plastic surgery is right for you?”_

_“What is that supposed to mean?” Blaine asked, anger brewing below the surface._

_“I am no stranger to self-harm, Mr. Hummel. But why cover up what you obviously don’t mind displaying? After all, aren’t you only going to add to these scars in the future?”_

_Kurt gaped at the doctor. He could not believe the gall of this man had to question how serious he was about recovery._

_“How dare you come in here and judge my fiancé based on his_ past! _He is a recovered self-injurer. Your job is to provide a service, not to judge your patients,” Blaine fumed._

_“I’m well aware of my job, Mr. Anderson. But I will not provide a service to a patient who is going to undo my work with more scars.”_

_“I gave up self-injury,” Kurt exclaimed. “And it is not your place to judge me. Thank you for the consult, doctor, but I believe I’d rather be referred to someone else.”_

_Kurt stormed out of the room. Blaine gave Dr. Laurens one last scathing look before following him._

“I only meant that you have three months before you can even meet with a tattoo artist,” Blaine reminded him.

“I realize that, Blaine,” Kurt snapped. He sighed heavily, setting down his pencil. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“It’s okay,” Blaine said, well used to Kurt’s mood swings by now. Thankfully, they had died down after the first few months post-rehab. Kurt pulled Blaine back down onto his lap. Blaine picked up Kurt’s wrist and examined the scars.

After finding another plastic surgeon, Kurt underwent several steroid shots. The shots were injected directly into the scars. After a series of shots, Kurt had begun applying silicone gel sheets over the scars.

“I really am sorry,” Kurt elaborated. “I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with over the past year. I’ve snapped at you, Rachel, and Finn more than a few times.”

“Sometimes Finn deserved it,” Blaine reminded him.

_ Thursday July 4, 2013 _

_Kurt and Blaine were both busy as waiters at a quaint diner while Finn and Rachel were busy with school. They tried to make time for each other but oftentimes they only had time to pair off as couples rather than to spend as a foursome. Because of this, Kurt was determined the four of them would spend the Fourth together._

_He stood at the kitchen counter slicing tomatoes for a salad while Blaine and Finn were grilling hamburgers, veggie burgers, and hot dogs in the north outdoor room. He heard the boys coming down the stairs and looked up as he continued to slice the tomato in his hand. Kurt felt the knife cut into the tender skin of his palm. The knife and the tomato tumbled onto the cutting board._

_“What happened?” Blaine asked, hurrying to Kurt’s side when he saw he was bleeding._

_“I cut myself while slicing the tomatoes,” Kurt answered. He moved to the sink and put his hand under cold water._

_“Let me see,” Blaine requested. He took Kurt’s hand and examined it closely._

_“It’s not that bad,” Finn observed._

_“I don’t know,” Blaine disagreed. “You might need stitches.”_

_“I only meant you’ve done worse to yourself,” Finn said._

_“Finn!” Rachel exclaimed._

_“What? It’s true,” Finn defended himself._

_“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you had to say it, Finn,” Kurt said angrily. “I’m well aware of what I’ve done to myself in the past and I don’t need you to remind me of that! In case you didn’t realize, I haven’t hurt myself in any way in eight months!”_

_“I only meant-”_

_“I don’t care what you meant!” Kurt interrupted him. He sighed unhappily and pulled his hand from Blaine’s. “I’m going to go clean this.”_

_Blaine glared at Finn after Kurt left. “That was completely uncalled for.”_

_“I didn’t mean to offend him. I didn’t think-”_

_“That’s the problem, Finn. You never think.”_

_And with that, Blaine followed Kurt out of the room._

“You know Finn didn’t mean anything by that.”

“I know,” Kurt replied. He looked at the drawing once more.

“Why don’t you do this?”

Blaine took the ‘Courage’ sketch from Kurt and picked up his pencil. He drew a curving line from the beginning of the word to the middle, then picked the line up from the other side and continued to the end. The result was the word ‘Courage’ in the middle of the infinity symbol.

“Blaine,” Kurt gasped, taking the drawing from him. “It’s perfect!”

Kurt turned him so Blaine was straddling him and pressed their lips together.

“You’re perfect,” Blaine said when they pulled apart.

“Don’t.”

“It’s true. I’m so proud of you, Kurt. You’ve come so far.”

“I had help.”

“Not all the time. You learned to find happiness with what you’re given instead of searching for it elsewhere.”

“I found my own little utopia, here with you.”

“I love you,” Blaine said seriously.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

“Forever.”

“And always."


	28. Sequel

Hello everyone!  
I’m excited to tell you the first chapter of the sequel has been posted. I hope you enjoy it!


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